Do any search on the internet for relationship helps and you’ll find a myriad of articles on better communication. Ask any counselor, life coach or minister about relationships and they’ll tell you that communication is key. Sit down with couples who’ve been together for decades and they’ll tell you that communication is one of the primary tools for longevity in their relationship.
There’s no arguing that being able to communicate effectively with the people you love is vital for successful relationships. So, if this is true, why do we suck at it so much? Why do we avoid it? Why don’t we spend more time sharpening these skills? Why don’t we take the time to think about what we say and how we say it?
We require people to take a test and have 6 months of behind-the-wheel training before they are allowed to drive a car. Without it, they are a portable time-bomb. I think the same mentality should be adopted when it comes to communication and relationships. No one should be allowed to carry on a relationship without thorough training in good communication skills.
The past several weeks I have found myself in a deep state of loss. There have been so many instances in my life where I classically failed as a communicator. Epically failed. You have no idea. Never mind my good intentions or deep hurt.
The humor in all this is the fact that I’ve written more content, made more money and added more followers who want to hear what I have to say than ever before. I broke $100 during the month of November on Medium. First time ever.
I also caused the biggest mess in November with people whom I love and value in my life. I used words ineffectively. I didn’t say the things I needed to say. I said things that were better left unsaid. My words backfired and caused a mess of things. They hurt people. They hurt me.
I chose to speak what I felt rather than feeling what people were speaking to me.
Here’s the thing. Effective communication is hard work. It takes practice and trial-and-error. There’s an art to communication that positively impacts people. I’ve spoken in front of thousands of people throughout my life. A well-designed talk can move a room to action. But, when those people are close to you, those words can be even more powerful and damaging.
As a man, the art of communication is even more important and more challenging for me. By design, most men are not good communicators with the people we love. Add to that how important good communication is to women, and you have a recipe for disaster. It almost feels like a design flaw. Why on earth would God put so much importance on communication as a skill and put it in the hands of a man?
Maybe this issue isn’t in the design. Maybe the issue is with our perception. We simply do not treat the skill of communication with the respect and attention it deserves. Maybe we are too lazy to put in the hard work to be better at communicating with those we love.
I’d been given the fantastic tool of communication and I unintentionally used it as a weapon.
I mentioned earlier that I really blew up November with my inattentiveness to quality communication. I made some mistakes I regret. I’m having to do some triage on one of those relationships that have taken hours of my time and attention and I still don’t know if the relationship is salvageable. Instead of enjoying the friendship I had developed, I’m having to try and clean up a mess I made.
But, I’ve learned some valuable lessons through it all. Surely that counts for something, right? Problem is, I’m old and wise enough to have figured this out way earlier than I have. A lesson is a lesson, though. I’ve made the decision to step back and really ask myself some hard questions about how I speak to people, especially those I care deeply about.
Here are some things I’ve learned. Maybe they will help you avoid the pitfalls I’ve stumbled headfirst into time and time again.
Be aware of the power of your words.
This sounds elemental, but let me tell you, we simply do not think about the power our words weld. We can say something that we feel very strongly about, but those words can be misinterpreted, they can be carelessly spoken, they can cut to a person’s heart and cause them to bleed out.
Good intentions aren’t enough to salvage the damage done by the power of our words.
I can have the noblest of intentions in the words I speak, but if they are not heard correctly, they cut. They stab. They are paired with our actions and become hypocritical.
Don’t say everything you’re thinking.
Just because you feel strongly about something doesn’t mean that it needs to be spoken out loud. Our feelings need time to ruminate. They need to be tested to see if what we are feeling is truly real or not. Sometimes what we are feeling is absolutely true, but speaking those feelings starts a ball rolling that we may not be prepared to manage. Give your feelings time to settle and be tested by time.
This is is part of my failure as a friend these past few weeks. I had strong feelings that I let take over. The attention was intoxicating. To be heard and understood was what I craved most in my life at that time. So, I let everything fly out of my mouth without a second thought.
What I felt was real, folks. It wasn’t manipulation. There was no real agenda attached to it. I simply wanted to express how I felt in a way that came across as honest and sincere as I could. But, I didn’t take time to think through how my expression of my feelings was going to affect the feelings of the other person.
Treat your words like an egg, not like a sledgehammer.
Here’s the irony in all this. As powerful as our words are, they must be treated with the utmost gentleness and sensitivity.
We are at our best in communicating when the words we say are sandwiched between care and empathy.
Social media has proven to be a cautionary tale for us in this regard. We become so passionate or enraged or opinionated by what we read or see online and feel the need to drop the hammer on the injustice or hypocrisy or insensitivity. The problem is, we forget the human being on the other end of the comment. We forget that human has a story we know nothing about. We can’t look them in the eye and see the pain or disappointment or conditioning that a person has been exposed to. All we know is that this person has stirred in us our own pain and it must be dealt with. (Insert hammer-on-metal sound effect.) And the comment feed begins its downward spiral.
Don’t use your words to manipulate.
This is one area that men are notorious for. I know it’s a gross generalization, but women are deeply affected by our words, men. They feel them deeply and need them consistently. It’s funny to me that women get so much backlash about how they present their bodies in public. Some men want to shame women into believing that women are responsible for the way men treat them simply by the way they dress. Dress provocatively and you’re asking for trouble. Men are visual creatures. We are wired to notice a woman’s beauty and are hard-wired to respond to that beauty in a sexual way. Women need to assume some responsibility and be sensitive to men’s visual tendencies.
But, men don’t want to use that same rationale when it comes to our words. Women are hard-wired to respond deeply to words spoken to them. But, we throw around our words to women so carelessly and thoughtlessly without any regard to how it affects them. Some men know this about women and will say ANYTHING to them to get what they want. It’s manipulation at its finest. Wouldn’t it be great if both genders were a little more sensitive to the wiring of the opposite sex and are gentler and kinder with how we present ourselves to them?
I found myself in a situation where all the feelings I was feeling were real and intense. Manipulation was never my goal — being heard and felt were. I was trying to express feelings. But, I inadvertently came across as manipulative. I completely regret that.
Communicate to connect, not to be heard.
This one is tricky. It seems strange that we wouldn’t have a conversation with someone to be heard. After all, we need people to hear us, don’t we? Here’s the magic of this rule. When we communicate to connect with another human being, we will be heard. Trying to get my point across is a power move. It serves as an agenda I’m trying to accomplish. There are times when this kind of communication needs to take place. But, in most loving relationships, it goes nowhere.
This is where the rule about good listening in communication comes into play. Again, guys are not great at this. This is probably the number one issue that caused so much pain to the people in my life this past month. I had things I wanted to say. I wanted to be understood and heard. The problem was, I wasn’t truly listening to the very people I cared about. I wasn’t feeling what they were feeling. There was little empathy. I just had to get out what I was feeling. It’s not what I wanted to happen; I cared deeply. The problem was, it just drove the wedge deeper — which was the exact OPPOSITE of what I trying to do!
This can also go both ways, however. Sometimes women can focus so much on being heard and understood that they miss out on the goal of connection. Communication comes to an impasse. Relationships are cast aside. Assumptions are made. Instead of doing the hard work of working through the pain and discomfort and hurt, they run to others who will hear them. They are more concerned about being heard than about connecting.
Here me in this. This isn’t a battle of the sexes I’m talking about here. Maybe that’s the whole point. We’ve made it into more of a battle and less of a dance. Pat Benatar has screwed with our minds. Love isn’t a battlefield. At least it shouldn’t be. In a battle, we are always on the offensive or defensive. Us vs. Them. In a dance, it’s about beauty on display.
Dancing is hard work. People’s toes get stepped on. There are tremendous amounts of trust involved. But, when the work is put into it, it becomes a beautiful thing to watch. Isn’t that what this world needs more of — relationships worth watching?
Here’s my point. If you care about someone, do the work. It doesn’t matter if they are a friend, a lover, a spouse. Get in there and get your hands dirty. Risk the pain and disappointment. Lock yourself in that proverbial room and don’t come out until you’ve reconnected and redefined your relationship so that it’s a healthy model of restoration and not a cautionary tale. Don’t run. Don’t throw up your hands.
I lost a friend this month. Someone I care deeply for. Someone that made me a better person. I broke every single rule I’ve mentioned above to a degree, with regards to our friendship. None of it was intentional or with malice from reckless selfishness. But, I was careless with my words.
All I can do is speak to my own actions. I hurt deeply. I realized that in my dark place of my soul, I chose to ignore some rules of good communication. In my actions, I hurt another deeply; the exact opposite of what I trying to do.
I need a time machine. I want to go back and have a do-over. To handle my powerful words differently. To connect better. To listen more empathetically. To think before I throw my words around carelessly. I suspect many of you if given the chance, would join me on that ride back in time. I hope my friend will. I miss them.
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Previously Published on Medium
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