During my teenage years, there was one boy who completely and utterly crushed my soul. Time and time again. I have vivid memories of crying in airport toilets and burning candles in dark rooms with The Weeknd playing on a loop. Everyone has that someone. A love that didn’t quite work out and we’re left with an unsolved battle to romanticize over and over again. Rather than getting closure, we’re left with a butterfly-inducing ache for acknowledgment of our pain. An apology.
We often daydream about idyllic scenarios where people who have hurt us, come back into our lives with their hands together in contrition and their hearts full of regret and sorrow. This of course, rarely happens. For me, it did. However, rather than being the dream come true that I’d always perceived it to be, it damaged my future in ways I’d never imagined. I, therefore, have a few warning signs that I now recognize and will look out for when life inevitably brings another similar circumstance into my life.
An Apology May Not Be Useful
Something to consider is whether the apology that you’ve convinced yourself to be imperative, is really that. According to The Power of Apology, by Beverly Engel. “when someone apologizes for hurting us, we are then able to develop a new image of that person”. We must question, however, do we really want to give the wrongdoer this opportunity? By no means am I encouraging you to take resentment to the grave but what good will it do for us if we give this sinner a brand new shiny halo? Perhaps, it will benefit them to the detriment of all our hard work spent moving on.
In Psychology Today, Michael E. McCullough believes that “apology encourages forgiveness by eliciting sympathy”. The simple recognition or acceptance of an apology, therefore, could be indirectly putting the power back in the hands of the wrongdoer. Once again, reinstating the victim as the vulnerable party. Not everyone is malicious, but when you have been hurt once already by this person, you owe it to yourself to be given the best chance of remaining free of anymore grievance or betrayal.
Ask yourself why you feel the need for an apology. What is the end conclusion that you’re hoping for? Is this relationship truly useful to your future? Is this something that will finally allow for a past chapter to be put to bed or is there an alternative motive that you’re anticipating. The one person you cannot fool is yourself.
Is The Apology Genuine?
In my case, it wasn’t. The night ended with him on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness. I had a few too many tequilas and the imbecile disclosed that he had failed to realize that he took my virginity all those years ago. There he was, after five years, kneeling in front of me. It was even more dramatic than I could have ever dreamed. Eyes staring through my soul and knees dirty with soil. From that moment, we were inseparable once again and I was caught up in his sticky web of lies. The apology was a curse that caused a repetition of my younger years.
When considering just how genuine an apology is, a major factor that comes into it is timing. Alison Wood Brooks wrote about The Apology Dilemma in the Harvard Business Review; “We are psychologically predisposed to find reasons (or excuses) to delay or avoid saying we’re sorry”. Therefore, upon receipt of an apology, consider why it came now. For me, all I saw was puppy dog eyes and all I heard was sweet words that I couldn’t even dream up in my wildest fantasies.
However, I did not consider convenience at all. This wasn’t a well thought out plan that he’d been anxious over for weeks. He didn’t reach out himself and hope and pray that I’d (by some gracious will) agree to hear him out. No. Fate had simply crossed our paths and he had casually decided that on that boisterous summers night he was feeling rather bold. We must acknowledge that we have the opportunity to live past an apology whether we accept it or not, without letting it change us.
Analyze The Apology
I became obsessed with the need for an apology. That somehow, it would solve everything. It was a delusion and obsession. One that caused me to fixate on something that in actuality, wouldn’t help me at all. Perhaps, it was just the excuse I was after for us to begin speaking again. Of course, it was. I couldn’t lie to myself. However, I failed to analyze the ‘why’ behind the apology. I was blind-sighted by my fairytale ending.
According to Beverly Engel, “The two important underlying aspects of an apology are intention and attitude. Apology, when sincere and intentional, is a powerful, even life-altering, tool for both the giver and receiver”. Why then, do so many of us allow something to be life-altering without first considering the authenticity or reasons behind why it came. Beverly breaks down the way in which we can examine whether intention and attitude are present into three statements which are the components of a whole and true apology.
Regret: Statement of regret for having caused the hurt or damage
Responsibility: Acceptance of responsibility for your actions
Remedy: A statement of willingness to remedy the situation
In my case, he didn’t feel Regret nor did he feel Responsibility, he was simply bored with the current state of his life. And his Remedy was nothing short of inappropriate considering he had a girlfriend. I was just a hot novelty that night who could be won over with a single sob story and a curled lip. I broke up with a loving partner for an immature, romanticized version of a long lost love that I’d single-handedly conjured up. I saw him as someone who had grown up. I believed he regretted leaving me the way he did and yet he never said any of those things during our reconciliation.
The calm I had worked so hard on creating had vanished, purely because of how much of his apology I had allowed in. I felt like I was a teenager again — ‘He keeps me young’ I thought. What I failed to acknowledge was that he was actually, keeping me stagnant. Each negative I turned into a positive and so I let this apology revolutionize all the very real and valid hurt that I had felt for so many years.
This reconnection had caused my already downward spiraling relationship at the time to completely disintegrate. I was devoting no time to my boyfriend because I was so utterly caught up with a man who wooed me with an improvised apology after five years and a few cocktails. This apology caused a knock-on effect that affected many people’s lives. It taught me to consider whether hearing someone out after years is beneficial. Are we sacrificing our own sanity for theirs? This situation made me wary of trust even after it was lost. Perhaps, we are better off hopping through the chapters of our lives without the need to formally close the doors …and being ok with that.
Thanks to Kay Bolden.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Quinten de Graaf on Unsplash