“It’ll be fun!”
“Dating is exciting!”
“It’ll make you feel like a kid again.”
I heard it all, y’all. I heard it all! And mostly, I heard the above from the women in my life.
“Of course, dating is fun for women! You LOVE being the center of attention!” My inner Prince is a sarcastic little jerk.
But you know something, life is a choice. And I have been choosing to see dating as a chore. And let me tell y’all, if I see something as a chore, I avoid it.
And I have avoided dating…like a…y’know…a guy who avoids something.
Mercy! The things I do to avoid a cliché…
In this week’s piece, let’s go behind the scenes of a recent date that I had, in an effort to show that these things ain’t that deep!
Before I get into the inside baseball, I want to lay a couple foundation planks.
I have been single since Barack Obama had dark hair. I have been single since the year that Auburn won a national championship in football and Cam Newton won the Heisman Trophy.
And now, Auburn doesn’t even have the same coach they had then. And Cam is now a former NFL MVP, Super Bowl loser, and a guy who doesn’t dive on fumbles.
See what I just did there? I used my dislike for the Auburn football program and my personal dislike for Cam Newton as a self-deprecating crutch to show how single I’ve been for so long.
“I’m going to be in a relationship with an amazing woman by the end of June,” I said to my coach a few weeks ago. And as soon as those words left my lips, I was immediately filled with pangs of regret. Because I knew what she’d ask me next.
“What actions are you going to take to create that outcome?” Then I proceeded to yell at her for the next 5 minutes. Then cry. Then hate myself over the next week for getting triggered by such an innocuous question.
That’s the way that I answer a question which I have no idea how to answer.
Let me drop another plank on this foundation. Most of the healing, completion, and shadow work I’ve been taking on over the last month or two has been in service of making this declaration happen. Because I have held so much negative and burdening energy around my dating missteps and failures that this was keeping me in the funky funkiness of my past.
And I honestly see that my patterns in romantic relationships tie directly into my patterns in other areas of my life.
If I want to attract a queen, I have to be a king in everything I do! You picking up on this?
Enough setup, let’s lift that curtain.
To do this, I need to take you back a couple weeks. Let’s go back to this singles mixer I attended at a charming little Irish Pub in Mamaroneck, NY.
And the mere fact that I said I attended a singles mixer and I write that sentence with no irony at all is a breakthrough in and of itself.
I only intended to stay at this event for an hour. And for that first hour, I found things to be incredibly stilted and awkward.
Don’t get me started on the bingo cards they gave us.
And the least they could’ve done was provide for an open bar! But alas…
All during this first hour, I kept seeing something fascinating…some one fascinating…an adult, female human being…okay, I was checking out a woman.
There was something about this woman I was drawn to. I’m a very good judge of character and of the way that someone shows up. And even before I said a word to her, I picked up on something real and organic about her. And two things I’m drawn to the most in another human being are authenticity and being organic.
But she also seemed to be rather popular. This led to some of my old unlovable Charlie Brown loser stories to creep back in. I took an opportunity to throw some water on that story.
But I kept seeing her. We met each other’s glances a couple times. And I got in my mind that I wasn’t going to leave without talking to her.
After that first hour was over, I chose to order another drink and stick it out. And while I’m leaning against the bar, the woman approached the bar and sees me.
“Are you getting anything out of this?” She asked me.
“Not yet,” I said.
This woman – who shall remain nameless for the time being – and I spoke for almost an hour. We spoke about our lives, hopes, dreams, and fears. It was an incredibly deep conversation and we set an intention to meet again.
The next day I texted her. And I could tell she had an iPhone – those blue text blocks though. I was direct – I enjoyed meeting you and I want to meet up again.
But something funny happened. I noticed that the message wasn’t showing up as delivered. To say nothing of a read receipt.
Okay, no big deal. She’s probably having issues with her phone. So, I waited.
I checked the next day. The message was still not showing up as delivered.
Finally, out of the blue the following day, I get a message from her. She acknowledged the slow delivery of my message and acknowledged the she enjoyed meeting me.
I replied…and wouldja believe that message went through slowly?
So, the next day I get done with my speaking gig and was feeling good. So, I figured I’d call her. We connected and made plans to meet for lunch on Sunday afternoon.
Lunch turned into an incredible 3-hour conversation. We spoke about her work and how much she enjoys it. I spoke about my coaching and my writing and how much I love it. We spoke about hopes and dreams and seriously had a blast.
And then the song and dance with delayed receipt of text messages re-started. And here comes self-doubt. And my Charlie Brown thing…
But we had a really nice time and I intend to see her again. I felt the connection, y’all.
I share this to prove a point. What we’re out to create isn’t rocket science. We’re here to create big lives, and loving relationships. It’s why we read articles like these on Good Men Project. Its why we hire therapists and life coaches.
We’re not doing any of this because we have to. We do these things because we choose to do so.
As my momma used to say, about my situation, I’ll keep y’all persted.
I’m taking on new clients in Royal Hearts Coaching and I really want to support you to power up your lives and your relationships. Please email me at [email protected] and we can set up a sample coaching session.
It’s like the basic premise of the Law of Attraction: like attracts like. And it’s funny, because as my own way of being has shifted in this particular context, I’m starting to see that abundance is available for me.
I woke up Wednesday to a surprise message from a woman who messaged me almost a month ago but hadn’t responded to my reply. We will be meeting soon.
This ain’t that deep.