This question isn’t just for husbands. Based on statistics from the Journal of Marriage and Family, 74% of men say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught. The percentage of women saying the same—68%.
These numbers don’t just refer to affairs in marriage. Additional statistics to ponder: 57% of men and 54% of women admit to having committed infidelity in at least one relationship.
Having witnessed the painful fallout of an affair, both personally and professionally, I have to ask, “What are you thinking?” The answers include, “I wasn’t thinking” to “I didn’t think I would be found out” to “It just happened.”
No affair “just happens”. And, to be clear, it isn’t really about being physically or emotionally attracted to someone who isn’t your wife. If you’re alive (and honest), that is going to happen. An affair happens because you act on that attraction. It is the result of a series of decisions to turn away from your marriage and your spouse and towards another.
Now, if you haven’t made the commitment to “love, honor, and cherish until death” or some other form of marriage vow and you find yourself wanting to cheat, there’s a simple answer. End the relationship.
But for the over 2/3 of the population who said they would cheat if they could get away with it? That’s not compatible with loving, honoring, or cherishing your spouse.
No person is going to provide everything you want in a relationship. My colleague Terry Real presents an interesting and clarifying question that helps get to the heart of the matter—Are you getting enough from this relationship to grieve what you’re not getting?
If the answer to that question is “no” and you’re married, you have a couple of options. You can choose to end the marriage, as many do. You can go outside the marriage. Or, you can address the things you’re not getting to see if it’s possible to have them.
Option number three is one that takes the most courage. It requires you to get real with yourself and your wife. It requires having difficult conversations that will be painful to one or both of you. It requires you to prioritize and make choices that you might not have to make if you were flying solo.
Because the truth is that no one can have everything they want all the time. An affair just gives the illusion that you can. But it comes at a high cost. Even if your wife never finds out, you will know. And that knowledge will always be a barrier to the deep intimacy and connection a messy, mature, committed marriage provides.
What’s the one thing you want in your marriage that you’re not getting? Email me your question and I’ll personally respond to you.
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Previously published on foundationscoachingnc.com.
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