Dr. Steven Hanley on “Stand by Me” and male friendship.
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“I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?”
Let’s face it, as a group, most adult men don’t do friendship well.
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This is the last line of the 1986 movie Stand by Me, which expertly depicts the coming of age journey of adolescent boys and their friendships in the 1950s,written by the narrator of the film as he reminisces about his youth.
I was probably about twelve when I saw it for the first time. On the surface it was an entertaining adventure story about a group of four boys and their quest to find a dead body down by the railroad tracks on the edge of town. In retrospect, the film resonated with me on some deep subliminal level that was difficult to see at the time.
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Rewatching Stand by Me with both of my feet firmly planted in adulthood, with all the joys and challenges that entails, I was left wistfully longing for a simpler time when friendships were easy, bonds were strong, and bro hugs (and affectionate arm punches) were plentiful.
The occasion of the narrator’s reminiscing is a sad one: the recent murder of his childhood buddy. Though he hasn’t seen his friend for ten years he writes, “I’ll miss him forever.”
When we are young, the love and intimacy we feel towards our guy friends seems natural and uncomplicated. It is only as we age, especially past puberty, that these feelings become trickier to understand and navigate.
Let’s face it, as a group, most adult men don’t do friendship well. Research suggests that adult males have fewer and less fulfilling friendships than the generations before us. As a group, straight white males have the fewest friends of all.
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Here are some reasons why this is a problem guys should be talking about and trying to remedy:
Men are also socialized to believe that we shouldn’t need close friends and that we can handle things, especially emotional things, on our own.
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Having good friends might help you live longer
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Having friends helps you cope with stress
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Having more friends can make you physically healthier
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A smaller social network is associated with increased mortality
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Having a close social network can help you deal with the impact of traumatic life events like a divorce or loss of a job
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Having fulfilling relationships with other men can make you a better father and husband.
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Why do men today have fewer friends as adults and fewer than our fathers did when they were our age?
For one, it takes more work than it used to. As the demands of being in a relationship, raising children, or climbing the corporate ladder increase, there is less time and energy available for maintaining social networks. That said, women seem to have a much easier time doing it than men. So, it can be done.
Being in school, a fraternity, the marching band, or on the football team provided our younger selves ample opportunity to form strong bonds with like minded guys. As an adult with jobs and families it takes more planning and creativity to form and maintain these connections.
Men are also socialized to believe that we shouldn’t need close friends and that we can handle things, especially emotional things, on our own. We are good at doing things with our guy friends (e.g., going for a beer, playing fantasy football, or hunting, etc.), but not so good at talking about things that really matter. There is an unwritten “bro code” that says we can’t be too soft and that precludes talking about important things.
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I am not knocking doing. Activities are important. It is a major way that guys can bond. What I am suggesting is an addition. It is important for guys to strengthen their capacity to feel and express true intimacy and love for their male friends. This will have lasting positive effects.
It has been my personal experience, as well as my professional experience working with men in psychotherapy, that we want more and deeper friendships with other guys. We are just not sure how to talk about it. Let’s start the conversation and encourage one another in the process.
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Previously published: StevenJHanleyPhD.com and Stand Magazine
Image: YouTube
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I’m not an especial Stephen King fan (the film is derived from a short work by that author), but you have to be fair – this was a deservedly well-regarded piece. Indeed, it is interesting that an author associated with traditional horror and the supernatural could pen something so affecting without a zombie or vampire in sight. Great respect to those involved in it – and a great role for a young River Phoenix.
I think that this is changing and I think that it has a lot to do with homophobia. I have noticed over the last 20 years or so that as homosexuality has become more open and not such a big deal in our society the messages men give each other about emotional intimacy are changing as well. As the fear of being perceived as gay looses its power men are more willing to touch each other and to have real conversations about things that matter. I certainly am seeing closer bonds between heterosexual males than I ever saw 20 years… Read more »
I think you’re right Gavin. Great points. As I mentioned in the article straight white men have the smallest friend group of all, perhaps for the reasons you mention. I am glad that it is changing.
It is so interesting to hear the male perspective on this. I think the same goes for most women. All of my best friends in life have been in my life before I turned 18. Many of them are men from grade school. I find that I am the glue that binds. They all keep in touch with me and I keep everyone else connected. My male friends are the brothers I never had, always watch out and move mountains for me. I treasure them. Sadly, at 23, we lost one of us. He was killed in a car accident… Read more »
Thanks for your comments. Glad you liked the article and you provide so additional insights.
Best,
Steve
Hi Steve, It’s a great topic to reflect on. I didn’t see the movie you reference, though I’ve gone through patches when I’ve felt, briefly, I had a close friend, and I think I did have when I was six. In some years I managed to get on the periphery of the in crowd. Not at twelve though. That wasn’t a great year . And I’ve had acquaintances now and then, subsequently. I find it’s not easy unless you’re following the course that others take, wearing the clothes and holding the views they do, etc. It must be hard now… Read more »
Wonderful points, Anthony. Let’s keep the conversation going and lead by example. We do have a lot to offer one another. Thanks for reading.
Steve
Dr. Steven-
I’ve had the same reaction to the movie Stand By Me.
Thanks for helping me feel a little less alone.
😉
-Derek
Derek,
You’re welcome! These are important conversations for guys to have.
Steve
Great article! I believe that activities can be a doorway to more deeper male friendships, but yes usually it just stops at activities. We all need to see ourselves as emotional beings and be willing to explore that area of our lives. I am very fortunate that I’ve found friends who are willing to walk with me through it.
Also, I love Stand By Me. It does resonate with the masculine soul.
Thanks James. Glad you liked the article. Activities are a wonderful way to deeper male friendships. It was quite a joy watching that movie again as an adult. As you can tell it really spoke to me.
I moved around a lot as a kid. I had an older brother who was more warped by the vagabond life than me. Went to 15 different schools. Made acquaintances, never friends. When I watch movies like Stand By Me, it hits somewhere deep that bothers me. I really shouldn’t miss what I never had, but I wish I did have those adolescent bonds. As a young adult, I was envious of people in groups that clearly were friends. If I had an opportunity to be included, I felt like Pluto-the planet, not dog-orbiting the main bodies and never being… Read more »