Advice for managing the radio silence that sometimes comes after you say what you need.
The man I was dating did exactly what the guy in your article did– Abruptly ended things (in a text message) and then came back a few months later stating “I was scared”, ” was too much too soon”, “I see us together”, “You make me happy”, “Let’s take it slow this time, I want this to work”…I felt on top of the world.
Yet, his actions didn’t seem to match his words. I felt like I was being treated like a booty call and when I communicated this. He’d say “That’s not how I’m treating you”. Even though that was how I felt, he made no effort to change after I said something.
I tried to communicate with him, maybe was too pushy about it, I was frustrated…so I finally sent a text saying that the guy I know is in there somewhere and when he finds him to give me a call, but this other guy who treats me like a nobody and dismisses me can lose my number… And well, it’s been three weeks and I haven’t heard from him.
It felt good at the time to say that. I thought it was the right thing but I’m having second thoughts. I want to reach out, but feel I can’t because of how I left things…I’m confused, deflated, and my self-esteem has taken a beating (once again).
Stop!!! Do not call that man!
The part of you that wants to call is the part of you that hoped that when you set a boundary, he’d show up for you and fight. That isn’t your guy. He’s showing you who he is and where he is at in life right now. He’s showing you that regardless of whether or not he wants to, he is not capable of being in the kind of relationship you want to have. Believe him! The ending to this story doesn’t change if you reach out to him.
This does not mean you want the wrong things, were “too pushy”, or were unreasonable. It means that the two of you are not in the same place right now. You don’t want the same things. He’s not the right guy for you.
The right guy for you would hear that you feel like you’re being used as a booty call and he’d be horrified by that. He wouldn’t want you to feel that way and would do everything he could in word and in action to show you what you do mean to him.
You showed him who you were—someone who could communicate what you were feeling and what you needed. Don’t obsess over how you said it or if you would have gotten a different response if you’d said it differently.
Yes, he said he wanted to slow things down and you’re probably running that over and over again in your mind. He didn’t want to slow down the sexual part of your relationship, though, did he? There were just other parts of a relationship that he wanted to slow down. That was the contradiction you were experiencing.
Don’t talk yourself out of needing more in the relationship, either. You want a guy who stays consistent in how he treats you. You want a guy who says what he means, means what he says, and does what he says he’s going to. This guy couldn’t be that for you. That’s about where he is at in life, not about you. Don’t let it become a reflection of you.
When you focus on what he’s doing, not doing, saying, or not saying, you’re putting your attention on the wrong things and giving him all the power in how you see yourself. Instead, focus on what you’re doing!
You’re someone who can identify what you want and need in a relationship. You’re not afraid of the hard conversations. You know your feelings and can talk about them. Those skills will set you up for success in the right relationship. When you meet a guy who’s where you are at, you’ll be capable of giving that relationship all it needs to be successful during rocky times.
Don’t let this guy change your mind about who you are, what you want, or what you deserve. The more you look back and the more you tear yourself down, the longer it will take for you to look up and find the guy who is ready for all that you are and all that you have to offer.