“I Want To Be There.” Iowa Mom Accompanies Daughter to Thailand for Gender-Confirming Surgery. [Video]

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When Daye initially came out as a woman of trans experience to her family, she was met with only tacit acceptance, and a sense that her family wasn’t as supportive as she was hoping they would be. This reaction left an impression on Daye, and when the time came to tell her parents that she was going to seek a more permanent transition through gender-confirming surgery in Thailand, she braced herself for even more resistance.

Instead she was met with the opposite: not only was she warmly embraced by her parents, her mother insisted on accompanying her to her surgery across the globe. From the moment Daye was wheeled in, to the moment she woke, her mother was by her side, attending to her needs and assisting in her recovery. Seeing this change in her mom and in her family during this time taught Daye a lesson – “that’s what family really is, is the people that love you and show up for you when it counts.”

Transcript provided by YouTube:

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[Music]
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foreign
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and I’m from Clear Lake Iowa growing up
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in the country back home I always knew
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that I was different and I remember at
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one point when I was 10 actually each
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night before bed praying that I would
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wake up a girl when I was 22 I was ready
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to come out to my family as a woman I
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sat down in the living room I just
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graduated college and gotten off of
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working on a political campaign and was
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living there with my family for a while
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in Iowa I think I tried to tell them a
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couple times and I couldn’t get the
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words out I was so hot under the collar
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and blushing and just freaking out
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but I finally sitting in the living room
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with them on the couch watching TV as we
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often did in the evening
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was able to say you know Mom and Dad I
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know you’ve known me in this particular
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way I know that I’ve come out as
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something else in the past but I’m a
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woman and I I want to go by this name I
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want to go by these pronouns and I’m
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going to pursue transition the response
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was better than a lot of people uh who I
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know who’ve been disowned or or not
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accepted completely
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but it also wasn’t really what I hoped
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for there were little things over the
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next few years like them forgetting my
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name and pronouns
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there were times when I had to come to
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them and say hey Mom and Dad we’ve still
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got these old photos up in the living
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room and I’m feeling like embarrassed
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and like you’re kind of holding on to
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maybe how I used to look and can we take
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some new family photos and put those up
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in the living room so this was the
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ongoing Journey that we were on together
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which was a little bit touch and go for
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a while when I was 27 a few years into
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my transition I
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decided that I was going to pursue
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gender confirming surgery in Thailand
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given the response that I had had when I
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came out as trans and began some
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permanent changes
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I was really scared again that this was
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going to be just the latest thing that
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might hurt my relationship with my
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family I couldn’t put it off any longer
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and I was living in Washington DC at the
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time and I remember having so much
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nervous energy that I actually left my
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house and was pacing around the
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neighborhood and talking to them on the
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phone I told them you know Mom and Dad
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I’ve done a lot of research I found this
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surgeon this is really important to me
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I’ve done a lot of reflecting I know
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that it’s what I want to do I know that
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it’s what I need to do
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and finally when they could get a word
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in edgewise because I was trying so hard
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to just get it all out
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the response was totally different than
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I expected my parents were like it
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sounds like you know what you need to do
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and
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my mom said
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I’m going with you this kind of blew me
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away after some of our earlier
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experiences where I felt
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accepted but almost tentatively this
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felt like okay we’re going to Thailand
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together I scheduled surgery and my mom
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and I started planning for the trip
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suddenly it was on the calendar it was
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coming up and my mom and I
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fly to Thailand she goes to some of the
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pre-appointments with me with the
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surgeons and the hospital to get
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everything ready
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and we had a couple days in Thailand on
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the last day before my surgery date
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we took just like this little tour
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around
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the the province that we were in went to
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the beach you know went to see this
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Buddhist temple and I really remember
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looking up at this Buddhist temple that
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was shaped like Buddha and had gold
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covering it and I remember being so
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beside myself with excitement but also
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so much fear and uncertainty not knowing
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how am I going to do with the surgery
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how is recovery going to be I actually
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remember feeling like
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I could hear in my mind’s eye in front
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of this Temple the word surrender
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and it was just it was a really
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meaningful spiritual moment that I got
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to share with my mom that kind of calmed
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me down before the surgery my mom was
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with me up until the last moment before
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I got wheeled in to the or uh
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and she was there when I started to wake
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up I remember just crying because I was
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so happy that this had finally happened
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and
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I’d wanted this for so long and
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I just knew that this is what I needed
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to do and and finally it had happened if
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I had to stay at the hospital for a week
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to recover and I couldn’t walk or
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anything at first
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and
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my mom was really my rock in those
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moments just to see that she was there
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with me in my hospital room all night
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for those first nights and able to hold
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my hand and help kind of tell the nurses
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what I needed I feel like that made all
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the difference in those in his early
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days of recovering that changed my
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relationship with my family to know that
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they had my back when it came time
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to
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you know they could have turned their
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back on me or they could have even just
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sort of tentatively supported me but
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wished I wasn’t going to do this this
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big change and instead they went all in
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and they were like you’re my child I
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want to be there I want to hold her hand
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through this and I think
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it’s a reminder that
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even though so many families can be
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broken up or can struggle with coming
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out or being ourselves that actually
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sometimes
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telling the truth about who we are
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allows us to get closer to our family I
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feel like this was a moment that really
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shifted my relationship to my family and
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just reminded me that
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that’s what family really is is the
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people that love you and show up for you
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when it counts
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[Music]
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foreign

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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