(Warning: this article is dangerously triggering. I do not recommend reading it if you are feeling particularly low lately. It is designed to give you some pain and discomfort in the short run to help you in the long run deal with the underlying issues of self-hatred. However, if you are already in a bad place in your life, it might not be useful to add more fuel to the fire. It could be the surgery you need but for which you are currently not ready yet.)
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“I hate myself,” said I. That was a normal part of my daily and consistent acts of self-degradation.
And I am sure I am not the only one who does that, aren’t I?
Some people will tell you that you should simply stop that, alter it, or improve it.
That is good advice. I have tried it and succeeded. But I thought I could elaborate on that. I want to articulate what that looks like to make it more comprehensible. What does that conflict with yourself look like? What are the feelings and thoughts involved? Can you survive? Is it worth it?
Well, I did just that.
This article is like a conversation (or an argument) you may have with yourself regarding self-hatred.
However, it includes good pieces of advice that will help you stop, alter, or improve your self-talk that is full of self-degradation.
The article is in the form of letters
You (presented using the pronoun me!) will send letters to “yourself” starting with “dear self,” and then proceed to explain why you hate it. Then, your dear self will respond to you. And we will see where the conversation will take us.
Interesting, isn’t it? (This may sound complicated, but it is simple as you will see.)
If we can have this conversation in a way that makes you develop more self-awareness that will strengthen you, then great — I have succeeded in illustrating the deeper interactions that occur within all of us and, hopefully, brought them to life and made them more comprehensible.
That would be helpful. If not, help me achieve that by leaving a comment to have a better conversation.
I hope that, by reading this article, you will understand, deep in your guts, the feelings and the ideas that will help you have a healthier relationship with yourself.
But wait. There is a caveat.
If you hate yourself, I am not here to tell you how amazing you are and how you should just appreciate yourself more.
In fact, love yourself a bit more than necessary, and you will become a horrible person. Love yourself less than what is ideal, and you will weaken your character.
I prefer using the term self-respect. You need to respect yourself enough because a lack of respect destroys everything.
So, what is the goal?
The goal is to help you go through your life without being held by self-hatred. To become a decent person who is, psychologically and emotionally, able to come to terms with your vulnerabilities.
Because when you do that, you start taking care of more important things in your life, which will inevitably make you respect yourself more.
Let us get started. Below are 7 short letters from you to yourself. And then one letter from yourself responding to that, which is the most important part of the article.
Do not allow yourself to speak to yourself (I know how that sounds!) as in the first letters. Do not tolerate disrespect, not even from yourself.
I Hate Myself Because I Am Ugly/Not Attractive
Dear self,
I do not like the way you look.
Your nose. It is big and ugly. Your skin. It is as dry as cactus.
And your body. Oh, your body! What a joke! It is the source of our shame, to put it mildly.
When you look in the mirror, I feel sick. Seeing this reflection is not the best thing in the world. It reminds me of how ugly you are and how you will never feel beautiful or handsome.
And this is not the only consequence.
It reminds me of the idea that you will never be loved. Looks are everything, aren’t they? Even if they are not, they are important. You do not have it anyway.
I Have Failed Myself
Dear self,
You do not keep your promises. You always fail us. You always screw up.
You say you will wake up early, and then you do not. You say you will stop that bad habit, and you only binge more. You cannot get your shit together. Life seems to always be more than you can handle.
You have a lot of work to do, but you are chilling around avoiding it. You procrastinate as if your life depends on it, even though it depends on you taking care of us.
I cannot count on you, for you have failed us more than I can count. I do not trust you anymore.
I Do not Stand Up For Myself
Dear self,
Again, you have allowed someone else to step on you. You could not stand up for yourself.
You were upset with how they treated you, yet you said and did nothing. Stop lying, for you cannot lie to me.
They violated your boundaries and hurt you. That makes me believe that you are a weak person. You cannot protect us.
If everyone you meet is going to walk over you, why should I, or anyone else, give you respect?
I Am A Burden
Dear self,
You are too much!
You have a lot of issues and shit. You can turn a perfectly happy situation (or a person!) into a miserable one.
Anxiety. Depression. Social anxiety. Awkwardness. Moodiness. Anger. Who can tolerate such things? And why should anyone tolerate them in the first place?
You are a burden. Burdens are not loved. They are tolerated, at best! And those who tolerate things will eventually get tired and leave you. Even if they initially loved you, the fact that you are a burden would drive them away.
Get away. Push them away. If they love you, they may fight. But they should not deal with all this shit. And if you love them, you would not wish them to lift such a burden their entire life, for they deserve better.
My Past Was Ugly
Dear self,
You know everything, and I do not have to remind you.
It sucked, and it was painful. Shameful it was.
And it shaped you.
I Know I Am Bad
Dear self.
Those who hide in the dark must be bad. Why would they hide if they were not bad?
Darkness is all you have ever known in your life.
And the things you do in those dark corners are bad. The thoughts are bad. The beliefs are bad. And the values? Oh, the values! They are as selfish (and weak) as they come.
When you come out of these corners, you still act like a bad person and hurt those close to you. Or do something stupid. Or fail yourself. Or fail someone.
When you sit at night thinking about your life, you inevitably come to the conclusion that you are bad. There is nothing else to decipher from all the information you have about who you are, even when those who love you (and I do not know why the hell they love you!) tell you how good and worthy you are.
And when you remember my words and my letters, you realize that you are the bad person you think you are. I am just here to remind you of that.
It Is Hard To Love Myself/It Is Easier, Though Painful, To Hate It.
Dear self,
I hate you because it is easier than loving you. I call you names because it is easier than accepting you.
I do not know how to love you. Or accept you. Should you believe me? That is up to you.
Loving takes work. Acceptance takes understanding. Both are demanding responsibilities.
All my life, I have neither understood these feelings nor experienced them. And you know that is true when you look at the chaotic world we grew up in.
I do not seem to care enough to accept my responsibility for taking care of you, which probably makes you hate me in return.
Hatred spiral. It sucks, but it is all I know.
I Hate That You Hate Me Because It Destroying Us
Dear me,
Only if you knew! You are making it worse.
I wish you had looked in the mirror with me and were not so critical of how my nose looked.
I wish you had forgiven me when I woke up late that morning, for you made it harder for me to go through the day feeling like a failure. Maybe I would have acted better had I felt safe with you.
I do not like it when someone picks up on me and bullies me. But, hey, you do the same when they leave; you finish their job and tear me apart. Maybe you are the first one I should be standing up to!
My anxiety, depression, moodiness, and all my quirk feelings and attitudes are killing me. But what is killing me more is the idea that I am a burden because of them. I also do not want to burden anyone, but you are the one who stigmatizes me because of my problems.
Stigma hurts ten times more than my actual flaws and issues.
My past was not peaceful. There were wounds, trauma, abuse, neglect, and suffering. I am fighting the demons of the past while being intruded on by the devils of the present and the Satans of the future, a fight that is not going so well so far.
And I thought that you would be my ally, not my enemy.
Sometimes, you give people exactly what I need. What we need. You would become kind to someone else when they make a mistake. You support them instead of beating them up.
You would be less critical of their looks when they show you a photo of them. You even consult people who are going through a tough time and do not consider them a burden.
If only you could be nicer, more compassionate, and more understanding with me, too!
And actually, you are the best one who can do that. But I do not blame you. Pointing fingers is associated with the unwillingness to shoulder responsibility.
We are both so deep in this shit that we cannot see the truth. We are so in pain that we believe it is here to stay. And we are so afraid that we cannot believe in anything but hopelessness.
See, I get that. I understand it. I feel your pain, literally; we are one, after all.
But I cannot accept those lies as truth, those judgments as facts, or your opinions as unshakeable beliefs. Because if I do, I will have to live in a meaningless cycle of self-hatred, anxiety, and despair.
I refuse that. What you are saying is garbage, and I believe there is a better way of living.
Shut the fuck up while I am getting my shit together. And after I get it together, you may change what you think. Or you won’t.
But it does not matter because I will look at you and tell you that despite all the nasty things you are saying about me, I can take care of myself, you, and a couple more people I love, and I can live in this world with dignity.
You are not the one who defines me. Anyone who speaks such venomous words does not define me. But still, I hate neither your definitions nor your labels.
I know they are coming from pain and fear. I understand that. But I am here to heal this and to stop it from jeopardizing us.
Last but not least, I am speaking up! Not only am I getting my act together, but also I want to speak about these letters you are sending me. These voices you put in my head and these ideas you advocate. These battles we are having.
I have my own voice, to which I need to listen more. I am here to articulate my own thoughts, ideas, and feelings. I am here to share, talk, and express myself authentically.
I will mend whatever needs to be mended without stigmatizing myself for being broken. It sounds like a better strategy than hiding and bottling up.
You do not have to love me. And I do not have to love you, either. Let u mute these conversations because they are making us weak.
When we are weak, we suffer emotionally, psychologically, intimately, and even existentially. When we speak up, at least to our own selves, and go to get our shit together, I believe that is where self-respect comes from.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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