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While playing, a friend’s granddaughter had reached out and grabbed him inappropriately. He stopped her, asked what was going on, but was wondering what else he could have done. There are many articles about inappropriate touch between adults and children, but what about the other way around? In this case, it was the perfect opportunity to help set up his granddaughter for a future of enthusiastic consent.
In the age of #MeToo and #IDidThat, I think it’s especially important to think about how we’re reaching our future generation. Sexist ideas of the past, sweeping things under the rug, waiting until the next time are all things of the past. More communication–gentle communication–is key.
There was no need for my friend to go apoplectic on his granddaughter. Instead, I suggested it was a time to lean in, listen, co-create, and set boundaries. This is what I told him:
1. Get curious.
Find out why she did that. At 8-years-old, a child absolutely knows what parts of the body are appropriate and inappropriate to touch. When kids reach out and touch inappropriately, three things come to mind:
They feel powerless, so they use their trump card. (No relation to president.) This is their most powerful move even if it’s underhanded. They need to know this is an unfair move, one they wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of.
They are testing boundaries. Will you actually stop them, or let them continue to play in that way? When it comes to the body, I recommend gently stopping them right away.
Someone has done this to them. Who was it and what happened? How did your child feel when this happened? Perhaps it was another child or adult. Assess the situation and go from there.
2. Create a safeword.
Both of you can use this word to stop the play on the spot. It could be a silly word or something as simple as “stop” or “pepper.” Practice playing with these words, so you both get used to them, and the child knows you are serious about listening to her. It works especially well if you enjoy roughhousing with your child though it can work with any kind of play.
3. Create ground rules together.
If you know you are going to roughhouse, what’s off-limits? Touching the face, tickling, kicking might be on that list. Enlist your child, so he is fully onboard with the rules. What if the rules are broken? What are the consequences for your child? What about for you? Note: these ground rules don’t need to be for roughhousing. They could be for everyday interactions.
4. Check your own behavior.
It might be that you would never touch your child’s genitals (except for medical reasons), but what about tickling? People have an immediate physiological response to tickling, which means they might laugh, but it doesn’t mean they are actually joyful. In fact, tickling can occur to some as torture. (I know a number of people who have bad memories from childhood.) What about poking? What about off-handed physical interactions? Maybe you’re unknowingly engaging in behavior your child/grandchild doesn’t actually like.
5. Set boundaries.
If your child won’t listen to boundaries, then stop playing. After all, you’re not only setting up a relationship of respect with you, you are laying the foundation for boundaries and consent for the future.
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Kids do things for reasons. They’re not just random. With so many people questioning the old sexist paradigms and resculpting the status quo, now is the perfect time to have more communication, not less. It’s time to empower your sons and daughter, grandsons and granddaughters with knowledge about not crossing boundaries, asking, setting boundaries, and playing in a way that leaves everyone better than how you found them.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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