I’m 17 and May Have Already Destroyed My Future

Waiting is rough, and as a member of Gen Z in the prime of my high school career, I have discovered that adults never tire of telling us that we lack their patience because we have grown up in an era of “instant gratification”.  This is always said with impatience and no irony, I would like to point out.  But who can blame us for feeling anxious about our futures in a world that seems to have gone berserk, from political turmoil, to global pandemics, to the climate emergency, all while having no idea where we are going to spend the next four years of our lives furthering our educations.

To make matters worse, we are all acutely aware that this is very much a “first world problem”.  Going to college at all is still a privilege, and this theoretically is supposed to erase the anxiety we are all feeling about our future and our lives. I’m just as anxious as ever, but with the added layer of feeling kind of guilty for worrying about something that millions of people don’t have access to at all. Still, I’m 17 years old and just about every single thing I have done in the last four years is being scrutinized, analyzed and compared to my peers by people who have the power to decide whether or not I am worthy of higher education. Which is a little disconcerting, to say the least.

Especially since most of the colleges I applied to are highly competitive, it’s been easy for me to fear the worst. The scenario of getting rejected by ALL of the schools I applied to has replayed in my head more times than I’d like to admit, even though this is logically and statistically unlikely. I wonder if I was too bold in my selections, and if I should have only applied to colleges where I clearly exceeded all of the academic and extracurricular requirements. Recently, colleges and universities have been receiving applications in record numbers, which has pushed acceptance rates lower than ever. This, like so many other stressful things, has been attributed in part to COVID.

Unsurprisingly, teens have experienced higher rates of anxiety and depression since the pandemic, so forgive me for feeling a little bit apprehensive these days.  I know a lot of people are struggling with much greater stressors than this, but I’m feeling like the outcomes of the next month will have a substantial impact on the trajectory of my whole life. So, yeah, that feels pretty huge.

Recently, many schools have been making a more conscious effort to be inclusive of diverse students, including those from underprivileged backgrounds. Many members of Gen Z, including myself, are supportive of social justice issues such as this, and it is reassuring to know that higher education is becoming less dominated by wealth and white privilege. However, the disadvantages faced by minorities regarding college education have not yet been fully erased. That may have something to do with the fact that many prestigious colleges were founded in a very different era. 

Here in the United States, some of our greatest colleges and universities were established in the 1600 and 1700s—when the average life expectancy was about 43 years.  So in that context it makes perfect sense that the decisions you make as a teen would set the course of your entire life because you were already almost halfway done with living. But as life expectancy has grown, the timeline of critical life decisions seems stalled a bit, especially in this regard.  

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the autonomy my parents allowed me in choosing the schools I wanted to apply to and the support they have offered once the final determinations have been made, but again…at 17, I want to enter adult life with all the tools possible to succeed and help others succeed too. And one of those tools feels like it should be some peace of mind.

Even though COVID began in the spring of my freshman year, I still have been able to find a wonderful group of friends in high school.  I love the community of support I have forged in the last four years…but will college bring me the same experience?  It’s been really positive and encouraging to be with people that I trust and enjoy spending time with. Most of them are waiting on college decisions just like me, and I feel confident in their chances of success. My friends have been a true inspiration to me, especially throughout this college process. 

In my friends I see kindness, determination, intelligence, artistic talent, and resilience. Watching their journeys unfold has reminded me that I’m not in this alone and shown me the importance of surrounding myself with people who make me feel valued and loved. Still, I can see that the uncertainty we’ve been subjected to recently has taken a toll on all of us. My mom sometimes says, “Without uncertainty, there are no possibilities” but that sounds a lot better than it feels right now.

As hard as waiting can be, do you know what can be even more daunting?  Starting over.  Ask anybody, even an adult.  

So the excitement and anxiety we all feel waiting to hear where our future lies can sometimes be eclipsed by the excitement and anxiety about beginning again in a whole new place with all new people and very different expectations than the ones we have become accustomed to. It’s kind of like Schrodinger’s cat. Until I hear back from colleges, the metaphorical box contains either acceptance or rejection, and I can’t know which until the box is opened. What will be the deciding factor that tips me into success or failure?  Do I even want to open the box to find out?

I think it’s also important to mention that while I want the best for myself, I don’t want that to come at the expense of an equally qualified person from a marginalized community. Statistics show that minorities are still not afforded the same educational opportunities as white students, and I hope that access to a college degree becomes more equitable moving forward. Social justice issues are a big part of the reason I am interested in majoring in political science–-I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

When it comes to finding the right college, I am often reminded of one of my mom’s favorite stories. It’s an old Sufi legend about a man who enters a village asking to speak to the wise man.  When he is granted an audience, he asks, “I am thinking about moving here and I wanted to know what the locals are like.”  The wise man responds with a question, “What were the people where you are coming from like?”

“Oh, they were horrible, the worst…liars and cheats, that is why I am leaving.”

The wise man shook his head.  “Well, don’t stay here. That is exactly the sort of person you will meet in this village as well.”

So the man goes away and never returns. The next day, another man enters the same village and asks to speak to the wise man. When the two meet, he asks the same question as the first man, “I am thinking about moving here and I wanted to know what the locals are like?” The wise man again responds with a question, “What were the people where you are coming from like?”

“Oh, they were wonderful. So thoughtful and caring! It was a community in the truest sense and I shall miss them terribly.”

The wise man responded, “Oh that is exactly the same kind of people you will find here. I think you will be happy here as well.”

I have been thinking about this story a lot as I wait (and wait) to receive those fateful emails from colleges. At the end of the day I guess the ultimate truth is no matter where you go, there you are. In high school, I was able to find a community and group of friends that I am proud to be a part of. Since I came across such amazing people in high school, hopefully college will be the same way. 

So I will work on being myself and know that if I’m ok with who I am, I will be ok no matter what.

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This Post is republished on Medium.

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Photo credit: iStock