I’m 29, single, swiping on Hinge listening to men voice note their bio using the new app feature.
I take a big sip of wine and sigh, giving up and switching to Facebook instead.
The first thing I see is a photo of the first guy I ever dated. He still has that same shaggy dark hair, and he’s in tux with a woman in a white dress laughing, tossing her head back beside him. It’s his wedding. He got married.
I glance down at my current state: glass of wine in one hand, scrolling on apps with the other, tucked into bed with a messy bun and sweats.
I am not upset about this man. It was not a significant relationship.
We dated in grade seven for a whole 17 days. I thought I was in love. Like every cliché, I scribbled his name in my notebook and imagined I might one day be his “Mrs.” Guess that spot is now taken.
He broke up with me because he didn’t “have the time” for a relationship (we were thirteen, how busy could the guy have been?), and I was heartbroken for the rest of the year.
I would never love again.
Of course, I have dated, fallen in and out of love since. I was in a pretty serious relationship a few years ago that I thought would be my last. And yet here I am, single, 29, and well, not really looking.
Seeing that photo pop up on my feed made me feel like maybe I should be.
I am content in my singledom, and I do enjoy dating when I’m in the right headspace. But I wasn’t feeling any pressure to get into a relationship until I saw that photo.
It made me feel…old.
And alone.
I know 29 is not old. I know that being in a relationship is not the be-all-end-all. I don’t even know if I want marriage. But I couldn’t help but wish for once that could be my story.
Why wasn’t I ever going to be the happy one on someone else’s social media feed?
Why had all my relationships failed? Why was I single? Why didn’t anyone want to marry me?
Why did he dump me all those years ago?
Just kidding.
It’s not about him. It’s not even about marriage. It’s about acknowledging that there is a real human need to love and be loved inside of me I’ve been ignoring.
There’s something that’s been holding me back. Perhaps I was getting too comfortable being alone. Perhaps I was scared to fall again because of previous heartbreak. Perhaps there is a part of me that feels I am not deserving of love.
Whatever it is, I’m ready to face it.
I would like to think that amidst all the strange voice notes and men with baseball caps and puppy photos trying to play to our heartstrings, there is someone out there for me.
And a sincere congratulations to my grade seven boyfriend. Our love story was never meant to be.
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Also check out: How to Date When You Have Low Self-Esteem.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockphoto