Even after twenty-two years of marriage and nine children — I’m not angry.
When I found out about his affairs, lavishing women with expensive gifts and traveling the world at our expense — it knocked me to the ground. It made me question everything I knew as truth.
I was deceived by the person I trusted most.
I’m not going to say I never felt anger; that wouldn’t be true. But I never allowed myself to stay there. I realized right away that holding onto anger only hurt me.
Anger is a choice we have control over; in fact, one of the few we have in divorce.
Bitterness Sours Our Life
Life is too short to be resentful.
I’ve encountered angry and bitter women still feeling wronged by their marriage from years back. There’s never a shortage of bad words to say — and they feel justified.
And while they may have every right, it’s of no value to stay there. Don’t get me wrong; we need to feel, we’re going through an ongoing slew of emotions.
Like death, we’ll grieve the loss of our love and life as we knew it. But we’re not meant to stay there — we need to let it go.
Anger keeps us stuck in our story and prevents us from moving forward. It’s nearly impossible to focus on our growth when we latch onto blame and resentment, close cousins of anger.
Blame and Resentment
It can only hurt us.
Bitter and resentful people always seem to have reasons why someone else is to blame for their situation. They would’ve had this if it weren’t for that. It would’ve been different if “insert name” hadn’t done this.
But the truth is, no matter our situation, we play a role. Especially when it comes to our marriage. It’s easy to see their faults and minimize our own. I wasn’t perfect, and I’m certain I contributed in ways I still haven’t realized.
There are always two sides to the story. Even when it doesn’t feel like their side deserves consideration.
I don’t blame my situation on my ex. Even if I could — how does it help me? We need to ask ourselves, how does blame help me move forward?
We have no control over anything or anyone other than ourselves.
It doesn’t matter who’s to blame. All that matters is we pick up the pieces, learn from them, and let go. And somewhere in there, we reinvent our life in a way we can’t wait to live.
That’s it.
Perspective to Frame Your Future
Choose it wisely.
The way we see our situation is significant in moving forward. Each day we decide how to frame our outlook. Which perspective will you choose?
Option one: I can justify my anger all day long.
I have every right to be angry. He made promises and didn’t keep them. Spent money meant for our family — our children, and used it on women instead.
He lied. Cheated. Hurt me and played me like a fool.
I loved and believed in him. He took advantage of my trust and didn’t honor me.
All the years I invested meant nothing. I sacrificed so much for our marriage and family, and look at what it got me.
Option two: Speaking my truth but letting it go.
Though I wish he’d been honest, I have no control over whether he is or not. I chose to keep my word and will always choose integrity.
He spent our money, but at this point, there’s nothing I can do to change the situation. I now know his capabilities.
His word once meant something, but it’s no longer of value to me.
As much as finding out about his cheating hurt, it’s a blessing to know. I deserve to be with someone who honors me.
All the years invested were not wasted. I have a beautiful family, and I have many wonderful memories. My past has prepared me for a future I can’t wait to create — it’s never too late.
Choices
Our perspective shapes our days, months, and years. The one I choose will dictate how my present and future life unfolds.
It Comes Down to a Choice
We choose how to approach our life.
Divorce is never easy. In fact, it’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. Perhaps time will put it more into perspective, but that’s where it stands for now.
From the beginning, I promised myself I wouldn’t allow my divorce to make me angry or resentful. I’ve seen too many people hurt themselves by remaining stuck in the past.
So many parts of divorce are out of our control. But this is the one part we have control over. We can always reframe our thoughts and rewrite our narrative.
We choose to hold onto anger or let it go — there’s much beauty in realizing we have that choice.
Redirecting Our Anger
There’s always a better choice.
Anger is a natural part of the healing process; we will feel it. But it becomes a problem when we stay there too long or allow it to control us.
Rebuilding our life after divorce isn’t easy. There will be days when it’s just plain hard. And at times, pulling up the covers and staying in bed is exactly what’s needed. But — we need to keep going.
Having a plan in place for those days helps. I love making lists, which is why I have one place for my favorite pick-me-ups.
If I’m heading towards anger, I’m not in the mood to think about what might help. By being proactive and making it easy, my list is a tool I can rely on. Taking action always changes how we feel.
Here are some of the categories on my list:
- Movies
- Music
- Breathing exercises
- Inspirational videos
- Books
- Podcasts
- Activities
- Hiking Trails
It works.
Realizations
Awareness is powerful.
Divorce is a difficult process to move through. But once we realize that holding onto blame and resentment only hurts us, it makes the process easier to move through.
To summarize
- Bitterness: it keeps us stuck in our story.
- Don’t Blame: instead, focus on letting go so you’re able to create the life you want to live.
- Perspective: the perspective we choose will dictate our present and future.
- Choice: we have the choice to stay stuck or move forward.
- Redirecting anger: taking action changes how we feel.
Anger, blame, and resentment only hurt us — not the other person. It eats away at our hopes and dreams.
Feeling anger is part of the healing process. But we can’t stay there.
Regardless of our situation, there’s no justification for blame or resentment. Even if we feel justified in our anger, it’s never worth staying stuck. Anger is one of the few choices we can control.
By far, the best gift you can give yourself is to let go and focus on moving forward.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jonathan Borba on Unsplash