A man still has feelings for his ex, and he wonders if he should reach out and try to rekindle things.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Dear Sexes: I’d been dating this girl for two years, but last fall she returned to Europe to finish college. We did the long distance thing for a few months, but broke up in December when I visited. It’s been four months since the breakup, and I’m still not over her. We stayed in touch when I first returned to the U.S., but she wanted some space, and we haven’t spoken since. I want to visit her over the summer and reconnect, but I don’t know if she feels the same way. What should I do? Should I just move on?
She Said: There is nothing like heartbreak. It boggles the mind to imagine so much physical pain without a physiological reason why… It’s agony. And I’m sorry you’re in it.
In reality, the best thing to do would probably be to try to move on. But the fact is, sometimes we need a little more before we’re ready to let something go.
There’s a delicate balance to asking an ex for more—-whether it’s more information, more attention, more love… It’s hard to do without coming off as pathetic or overwhelming to her. And yet if there’s a suspicion that she may feel the same way, it’s worth it.
So take it from your best girl friend: Make a plan to call her when you’re going to be feeling good about yourself. See a great movie with friends, then call her when you’re happy. Or call after a work out when you’ve got all those great endorphins going.
When you call her, try to stick to the facts. Say something like, “I get it that we’re broken up, but I’m curious if you think there could be a future for us at some point?” And then validate whatever it is she says by saying something like, “I totally understand that while we’re apart you just don’t think this is going to work. But I still care a lot about you and feel a bit unsettled with how we left things and that’s why I’d like to know, just really straight-up, how you see the future for us.”
Keep it cool. You don’t need to say, “I love you so much, I can’t breathe, I can’t eat, I’m a mess without you. I’m in agony!” She knows you still have feelings simply because you’re asking. You don’t need to lie and pretend to not give a shit… Just keep your eye on the objective that you’re simply looking for more information. If she doesn’t feel the same way as you, the last thing you want is her saying she does simply because she feels bad for you.
Go in strong, and you’ll get an honest assessment of where she is. And that’s the best thing you can do for yourself at this point.
Then move on if need be. Though I know that’s easier said than done. I suggest the movies Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, (500) Days of Summer, and Say Anything as salve for the broken heart…
He Said: What’s the status of your relationship right now? Are you on speaking terms at all? I suggest you take baby steps (before you visit her in person). If you haven’t been talking much, test the waters with some emailing and talks on the phone. If all goes well, and you still think there’s a special chemistry/connection (between both of you) then go visit her. However, I have to implore you to proceed with caution.
If you go and visit in person, you could get some clarity, but you might not like the answers you get. There’s also the possibility your visit could be a wonderful time and a smashing success. But then what? You’ll be back at square one. In love, and trying to stay in love, long distance. That didn’t work last time. But, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again (I guess). Good luck. I think you’re gonna need it.
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Photo of Man in autumn park with girlfriend in background. Man call on the mobile phone courtesy of Shutterstock
this was extremely helpful, it has showed that i am not the only one in this situation and has helped me and my exes relationship
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I always wonder how people give all this advice like…forget her, move on…without really knowing the dynamic between the people they are talking about. That’s easy to say. but can you always predict life? I just got broken up with by my girlfriend of 4 years, but it was definitely because I screwed it up because I got bummed out about life and became emotionally distant to her. There’s no exaggeration to say she is the girl of my dreams, and things could definitely work cos I know what the problem was and what I need to do. It was… Read more »
Hey i was wondering did you ever contact her and what was the out come?
2:28am? I feel like you and I did the same thing. Searched stuff about what to do with exes in the middle of the night. I’m also curious if he ever contacted her. I hope he did.
It’s her loss. Just forget all about her and find someone local.
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Mike.L your comment is spot on!
It sounds like she broke up with him, and if that’s the case I’d just try to move on. I know the feeling of breaking up and thinking you’re never going to find a girl as good as your ex. But this just isn’t true, there’s a reason you broke up. Secondly, if she wants to get back together, she’ll contact you I’m sure.
I like the advice about only calling her when he’s having a good day, and only to focus on some specific questions, not a total declaration of agonizing love.
If you do contact her, approach it as a way to get some understanding, not as a way to get her back or turn back the clock.
Absolutely no drinking and dialing.
Na, she would ruin his good day.
Keep your good days to yourself and guard them jealously.
I think Jimmy is a little bitter about some past relationship gone terribly wrong. I don’t think just ignoring her and pretending she doesn’t exist is the answer. If this guy is really still in love with her, ignoring and bottling those feelings up under the guise of not giving a shit about her is only going to allow those wounded feelings of heartbreak to fester and abscess. He needs to get it all out in the open with her, scrape it clean so he won’t have that lingering doubt of “If only I had said/done this it might have… Read more »
The sad truth is that your feelings won’t have any effect on hers. So you love her–so what? That’s not her problem, and she has zero obligation to reciprocate in any way.
Move on, pal. Find someone who’s willing to give as well as receive.
Agreed, Copy left knows what he’s talking about. Had a very similar story from my past, I’d thought She was my soul mate. Stayed friends and kept in contact via phone, mail, email, missing her the entire time. Got back together 20 years later and it crashed and burned after a very intense and romantic period of living together. In a very short time discovered She wasn’t the person I’d thought she was. Recalled why I was somewhat relieved that She’d left for school to begin with. What I’m trying to say is She obviously left you. If she was… Read more »
If she asked for the breakup, just move on. She’s no longer interested. She likely learned more about herself, and now wants something/one different. At least for now.
Keep your dignity, say nothing, and just move on.
Again not true nevessarily!
Neither of the “sexes” brought this up, so I think it’s important to bring up: Please do not tell her how you are feeling unless you are sure you understand why the break up happened in the first place, and further that you are willing to personally change whatever part of the break up you are responsible for. If you broke up because “long distance is hard” this means something. It means the two of you were unwilling to plan a future together. Maybe that meant she wouldn’t leave Europe, but it also might mean you wouldn’t consider moving there… Read more »
Your comment is spot on!
NO No matter how much you love her, she is not gonna want you back because you tell her you love her. Women don’t get attracted to men who tell them they love them. They get attracted to successful men. So be successful. Forget that has-been and make this world yours. Rip open the rind and spit out the seeds. Above all, abandon any notion of romanticism, everything you’ve been taught about it is a lie. Don’t listen to any men or women telling you to be honest and tell her. Just forget about her and turn all that love… Read more »
I agree with Jimmy 100%. Be there, done that.
Wow that’s funny but somehow untrue. We all need a little vulnerability and to know that theyv want to be your husband and father to your children. That’s v a very high honor if you asked me! And what would simeine have to do to not make you want to be there for them ascas husband and father? Don’t you want that? Howcome it’s changed so much?