Let’s all come together with deeper empathy.
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Female irritability seems to be in my face lately. I’m hearing about it in my men’s group. Friends are describing it. I think it may even be related to the widespread support that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are currently receiving.
Here are some things I’m hearing from men:
“My wife shows very little empathy when I’m I talking about my ongoing foot pain. When she’s hurting I try to express loving kindness. When I’m hurting, she gets irritable and angry.”
“We’ve been having financial problems lately as the economy in our area continues to be on the decline. When I try and talk to my wife, she bombards me with questions. She’s like a woodpecker rat-a-tat-tatting on my brain.”
“I can’t seem to do anything right lately. I work my ass off to keep us afloat, but when I come home tired she’s got more and more things she wants me to do, and the tone in her voice always has a sharp edge.”
Men aren’t the only ones who are noticing this. Women are sharing their own concerns about irritability.
“I don’t know what’s the matter with me. It seems that things bother me more these days. I’ve become a real bitch. I know it hurts my husband and he gets that wounded, hurt-puppy look, which makes me even more angry. I don’t understand what’s going on with me.”
“I’ve got two children, but including my husband I have three. I’ve got to constantly remind him to do things around the house. It’s like I’ve become his mother. I hate it, but he just keeps pissing me off.”
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free“I’m getting more irritable with everyone–my husband, the kids, even my friends. Sometimes I just wish I could escape and get the hell out of here.”
A number of years ago I was seeing an increase in irritability among men, particularly those between the ages of 40 and 60 who were going through Andropause. I spent four years doing an in-depth study. My book The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression detailed my findings and what I had learned that could be helpful to men and women.
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In the research study I conducted with over 60,000 males, I found there were 50 symptoms (You can take the full quiz here) that were indicative of Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS). Here are the most common.
- Hypersensitivity.
The world is changing and they don’t know where, how, or if they fit in.
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It’s as though the man was emotionally sunburned. It seems that every little thing sets him off. She feels like she’s walking on egg shells trying to avoid setting him off. He feels like everyone is going out of their way to irritate him.
- Anxiety.
Anxiety is a state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic, or fantasized, threatening event or situation. IMS men live in constant worry and fear. There are many real threats that they are dealing with—sexual changes, job insecurities, relationship problems. There are also many uncertainties that lead men to ruminate and fantasize about future problems that may never occur.
- Frustration.
IMS men feel blocked in attaining what they want and need in life. They often feel defeated in the things they try to do to improve their lives. These men feel frustrated in their relationships with family, friends, and at work. The world is changing and they don’t know where, how, or if they fit in.
- Anger.
Anger can be simply defined as a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility. Yet anger is a complex emotion. Outwardly expressed it can lead to aggression and violence. When it is turned inward it can result in depression and suicide. Anger can be direct and obvious or it can be subtle and covert. Anger can be loud or quiet. It can be expressed as hateful words, hurtful actions, or in stony silence.
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I’ve found that many women experience these same feelings. I’ve found that hypersensitivity and anger are more common in men, while frustration and anxiety are more common in women. All four can contribute to depression in both sexes.
When I explored the underlying causes of IMS in men I found four that predominated.
- Hormonal changes.
Testosterone is a critically important hormone for men (and women). Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D., author of The Alchemy of Love and Lust, describes testosterone as the young Marlon Brando—sexual, sensual, alluring, and dark, with a dangerous undertone.” We’ve heard of “roid rage” when men take testosterone-like steroids to bulk up. But the more common reason men become irritable is when their testosterone levels are too low, rather than too high.
- Biochemical changes.
Most people have heard of the brain neurotransmitter, serotonin. When we have enough flowing through our brains, we feel good. When there isn’t enough, we feel bad. What most people don’t know is that our serotonin levels are influenced by what we eat.
Judith Wurtman, Ph.D., and her colleagues at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that a high protein, low carbohydrate diet can cause serotonin levels to drop. They found that men often mistake their cravings for healthy carbohydrates, such as those found in rice, corn, squash, with cravings for protein found in meat. “Eating protein when we need carbohydrates,” says Wurtman, “will make us grumpy, irritable, or restless.”
- Stress.
It’s no secret that stress levels are going through the roof. Our economic system seems on the brink of collapse. We worry about whether we will have a job tomorrow and how we can support our family while prices on everything continue to rise. World population has reached 7.4 billion.
According to the UN population division 216,000 children are born each day. They won’t all come to our town, but we all feel the pressure and our stress increases.
- Loss of male identity.
For most of human history, the male role was clear. Our main role was to “bring home the bacon.” Everyone had a job and contributed to the well-being of the family, the tribe, and the village. But now many of us work at jobs that we hate, producing goods or services that have no real value to the community.
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This is a time when we will come together with deeper empathy or pull ourselves apart with anger and fear.
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Again I see similar causes that contribute to women’s increased irritability. We know about hormonal changes in women as they age, but not everyone is aware of the shift in balance between estrogen and testosterone. As estrogen levels drop, the ratio of testosterone to estrogen increases and women often become more irritable and “testy.” Like men, women often go on “low carb” diets which may also increase irritability as their serotonin levels drop. Finally, women too, have to deal with increasing stress and changes in roles.
But there is hope. In my new book coming out this summer, The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best is Still to Come, I talk about why Stage 3, Disillusionment, is often the time when irritability and anger begin to undermine our relationships. The key to getting through this difficult stage is to practice loving kindness so that we can embrace Stage 4, Real Lasting Love and Stage 5, Couples Coming Together to Change the World.
Denying these changes increases our fear. At home we find our relationships are in trouble. In the political world we lean towards candidates that are often irritable, angry, shaming, and blaming. This is a time when we will come together with deeper empathy or pull ourselves apart with anger and fear. I look forward to your comments.
This article originally appeared on Men Alive.
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Photo: Getty Images
Forgive me for chiming in so late. I wanted to comment but my computer was not cooperating very well these last few daya. I believe this is a very viable subject, but I am having trouble “getting my head around it” because it is so alien to me (and perhaps all of us). Likewise was the essay on male irritability syndrome. Examining the age group (assuming the same with women), I tend to question whether this is a symptom of oncoming menopause (early onset)? Is menopause something that first manifests itself as subtle changes, over a long period of time,… Read more »
It’s clear to me that the stresses we face in a world out of balance impact men and women. Most of what I write for the Good Men Project focuses on men, but we also need to focus on women. In a society that is so polarized too many people get locked into seeing men as the “bad guys” and women as virtuous. We also see the reverse as women are viewed by some as the “cause of our problems” and men as the victims. One of the things I like about the dialogue here is that we can share… Read more »
(correction: Physical, not fiscal above) Not sure if that was Freudian…unless one is in love with tax season.
As to Dr. Diamond’s (Jed’s) comment above, I can neither add or take anything away as it was succinct, lucid, and on point. I just hope I’m still around to see the day!
More women need to read this to see how bad women’s behaviour is becoming. Far too often on GMP, writers shirk away from pointing out women’s bad behaviour and even enables it. The only way we can really improve relationships is by showing everyone that their behaviour is not acceptable and not putting the burden of the problems on one person.
Sadly Jed, I feel this is another article where the discussion will be derailed into talking about women’s problems and men’s faults.
This site has gone from the Good Men Project to “Good Boy Project” I haven’t been here for a while and the front page of this place it deeply disturbing. Is this owned by the Gawker or Buzzfeed folks? WTF! The more I read here, including this piece, the less hope I have for my children’s future. The main worry for me is that we seem to completely have abandoned any sense of wisdom in our search for knowledge. Unfortunately, relativism precludes real knowledge and relegates everything to “perspectives” and opinions. If you have to ask why I feel this… Read more »
Thank you for at least mentioning that females are becoming worse too. My opinion is now females are under such stress that it is spilling onto the men and causing them to suffer too. As a man I have to fight and stress all day to make money, I come home and have to put up with a cranky female who had to do the same thing. All I want is to relax and she just goes on and on. She cant stay home because we need the money and her self worth is tied up in her career. Both… Read more »