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I’ve been a marriage and family counselor for more than 40 years. My wife, Carlin, and I have been happily married now for 37 years. There are five important things I’ve learned in my personal and professional life:
- A joyful marriage is one of the greatest gifts anyone can have.
- Too many marriages go under, just when the couple could be enjoying their lives the most.
- Most people would like to have a joyful, juicy, relationship that lasts through time.
- Many people are reluctant to marry given the risks of unhappiness and divorce.
- An increasing number of men are choosing easy sex over marriage.
There are many reasons why men and women are having a difficult time with marriage these days. One reason may be the increase of cheap sex. The term “cheap sex” is an economic term meant to describe sex that has a low cost in terms of investment. If a person doesn’t have to invest a great deal to get the sexual return they want, the sex is cheap.
Of course, men, like women, don’t just want sex. In my popular article “The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex,” I say that more than the sexual pleasure of “getting off,” men want a safe harbor, a place where we can feel nurtured, care for, loved, and appreciated for who we are. Of course, developing the relationship skills to develop and maintain a caring, trusting, relationship between the members of a couple takes time and skill.
Generally, relationship skills are more easily developed by women than men. Further, men may start off with a disadvantage. According to Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen, author of The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male & Female Brain, “The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding and building systems.”
The qualifying word “predominantly” is important. It’s not saying that all women have brains that make them more empathic than all men. But just as we can say that most men are taller and stronger physically than most women, we can recognize and accept that women are more skilled at developing and maintaining close relationships.
The number of young, married, Americans between the ages 25-34 dropped 13% from 2000 to 2014. A new book, Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage, and Monogamy, by sociologist Mark Regnerus blames this declining rate on how easy it is for men to find a willing sex partner. According to Regnerus, “When attractive women will still bed you, life for young men, even those who are floundering, just isn’t so bad. This isn’t to say that all men direct the course of their relationships. Plenty don’t. But what many young men wish for—access to sex without too many complications or commitments—carries the day.”
Based on what I’m seeing in my practice as a therapist, this isn’t just true for young men, but for older men as well. More older men are finding that the demands and challenges of an intimate partnership and family life are difficult to maintain. More are seeking out women who are willing to accept a much lower level of commitment and involvement.
Regnerus blames cheap sex for the decreasing education and employment rates among men as greater numbers of women get college degrees and enter the labor force. There are many reasons that men are falling behind women in education, including a school environment that often favors women’s emotional intelligence and de-emphasizes men’s need for physical education and action. But if men are less motivated to work hard to get educated, that is another important factor. In past generations, women generally made men wait until marriage to have sex. Women wanted a man who was educated and had a good job. As a result, more men were motivated to follow the societal rules that made them good marriage material.
Now with porn on demand, the proliferation of on-line dating services, and a greater acceptance of premaritial sexuality, sex is easier to obtain than ever before. This has left men with less motivation for marriage, says Regnerus. He cites demographer Steven Ruggles’ prediction that one of every three people in their 20s will never marry.
Regnerus even points to “Fifty Shades of Grey” to prove his point. In the book, Christian Grey gets Anastasia Steele to agree to a series of submissive conditions, including “any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable” by him, with no such power returned on her end. “I recognize that ‘Fifty Shades’ is fiction,” Regnerus writes. “It’s made up. But when you sell 100 million copies in two years, your narrative is resonating. There’s something to it.”
Meanwhile, many will go it alone. Self-love for men and women is at an all-time high. A 1992 study found that 29 percent of men (and 9 percent of women) masturbated at least once a week. In 2014, 49 percent of men (and 32 percent of women) confessed to doing it at least once in the previous six days. Unsurprisingly, “as frequency of [watching] porn increased, so did masturbation.”
In their book, The Demise of Guys, psychologists Philip Zimbardo and Nikita Duncan say, “In record numbers, guys are flaming out academically, wiping out socially with girls, and failing sexually with women.” They trace problems males are having to lure of addictive technologies that males are subjected to from a young age.
“We believe this demise can be traced to the rise of technology enchantment,” say Zimbardo and Duncan. “From the earliest ages, guys are seduced into excessive and mostly isolated viewing and involvement with texting, tweeting, blogging, online chatting, emailing, and watching sports on TV or laptops. Most of all, though, they’re burying themselves in video games and in getting off on all-pervasive online pornography.”
Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs, who study this phenomenon. “Nowadays young men can skip the wearying detour of getting education and career prospects to qualify for sex,” they write. “Sex has become free and easy. This is today’s version of the opiate of the (male) masses.”
I think we need to look deeper if we’re going to understand the reasons males are flaming out in school, becoming more reliant on technology and porn, and never learning the social skills that enable guys to find real, lasting love. What I see when I look deeper is Lost Fathers.
According to the National Center for Fathering, “More than 20 million children live in a home without the physical presence of a father. Millions more have dads who are physically present, but emotionally absent. If it were classified as a disease, fatherlessness would be an epidemic worthy of attention as a national emergency.”
I’m not saying fatherlessness is the only cause of the demise of guys, but the father wound is one important result. Roland Warren, former President of The National Fatherhood Initiative says, “Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that hole, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.”
When we have a hole in the soul, we try and fill it with all kinds of things, including the temporary highs we get from tweeting, texting, and sexting. Healing the father wound will go a long way towards filling the hole in our soul left by our lost fathers. I’m writing a new book about the father wound. If you’re interested in learning more, drop me a note at by emailing me and put “the book” in the subject line or leave a comment below.
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This article originally appeared on Men Alive
Photo credit: Getty Images
I learnt a lot from your article it gives interesting and useful knowledge about the relationship. I really enjoyed this article.
You weight the answer on the shoulders of the boys and men involved. I suspect the men not marrying are largely making an accurate assessment of the costs and benefits of marriage. As more people become single, being single gets more fun. I’m sure the single folks will figure out how to have deeply meaningful relationships with each, with or without sex. And if “cheap sex” is moving this change along, let’s have more of it.
Ben Piper
” As more people become single,being single gets more fun”.
You made me smile :).
But it seems that the data Regnerus has collected give no indication of the emegence of better skills in men age 25-40 to want to have deep love relationships.
Regnerus even points to “Fifty Shades of Grey” to prove his point. In the book, Christian Grey gets Anastasia Steele to agree to a series of submissive conditions, including “any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable” by him, with no such power returned on her end. “I recognize that ‘Fifty Shades’ is fiction,” Regnerus writes. “It’s made up. But when you sell 100 million copies in two years, your narrative is resonating. There’s something to it.” But isn’t the vast majority of the 50 Shades fanbase made of middle aged women? It would seem if men are looking for cheap… Read more »
Danny
I am also surprised that he brings up the sale of Fifty Shades.
This piece omits a large population whose experience doesn’t back up its assertions: gay men. Many of whom are now marrying, but couldn’t before. I agree with the commenters that commitment is more relevant than marriage, and that not everyone is happier or better with a long-term partner (especially if they are not seeking to raise children). But I would also say that gay male life in the U.S. in the 1970s was less about commitment than it is now, even with the pervasive availability of online porn. I urge the author to base his assertions on more representative data,… Read more »
And I would add that a significant portion of the cause of absent fathers is mass criminalization of men of color, especially Black men.
Why is marriage something to aspire to, necessarily? It seems to me that personal fulfillment and productivity (i.e. making the world a better place) is more important, and if we’re now starting to see that marriage doesn’t necessarily accomplish this for most people, then why try to “go back” to a time when marriage was the norm? I’m glad the author has a good marriage, but most marriages are not as ideal as he describes his to be. It’s funny to me how married people so often seem to want to get other people to be married – even if… Read more »
LucyCharms
“I question the “more people should be getting married” narrative.
I tend to agree,but a committed relationship it is what gives women security to have children and take well care of them.
So I think what is important in this article is not the question of marriage but some type of committment .
There was an article that got panned on mensrights. It was, I believe, Denmark trying to get men to marry and have children. Tehy pointed out how men who were married and had children worked longer hours, made more money, and held higher positions (sought promotions, etc.) than men who were single and childless. The forum was in agreement. Yes, he did all these things, but they weren’t for his benefit (sake), they were things he had to do because he was married with children. I almost agree with what you’re saying and I could agree with what Kim said… Read more »
Exactly! Not everyone should be married or partnered up. To act as if marriage is the only viable option for men (or women) is ridiculous.
I would like more information about you book, please. I’m worried about my son. We are domestic abuse survivors. I’ve been separated from his dad for almost 5 years, and it wasn’t until we moved very far away from him a year ago that my son started to make significant progress in counseling. I’m certain part of that progress is my son’s age (he is 13 now) and general growth emotionally plus steady, consistent exposure to mental health services.. But I know from my own childhood that having a dad who hurts you and leaves creates a “dad sized hole”.… Read more »
There’s no difference between male and female brains. There’s more variation between different men and different women than there is between men and women together. Just because a gender essentialist wrote a book doesn’t mean it’s accurate.
Arakiba
What Simon-Baron Cohen says is
” it is your brain type ,not your sex ,which predicts how you will behave”
Sorry I forgot the link to Simon Baron-Cohen
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2010/may/03/biology-sexist-gender-stereotypes
Jed Diamon I like this article but it also raises lots of new questions.
What motivates women to take higher education ?
women must be driven by different motivation than many men.
I think you should include those that cohabitate in this analyses.
The autor of “Easy sex” is a Christian an against same sex marriage. I guess he see cohabitation to have less value than marriage.
What a great article. Many men want lasting relationships but some men are happy to settle for low investment options like casual sex. We need a men’s movement that helps men and boys in education, as well as helps men in their personal and professional lives. We need a movement for active and involved fatherhood, shared parenting and parenting excellence. The differences between how boys are raised and how girls are raised is stark and helping boys achieve in school is an important issue for the future.
What came first the chicken or the egg? The theory I’ve heard is that because there are fewer men in college, the men who are in college have access to cheap sex. Women feel pressured to do things they aren’t comfortable with to compete for the few men that are there. I’ve experienced a form of this myself when I was younger. My high school rented out 2 floors of a dorm at a women’s college that was struggling financially. What would make 15 or 16 year old boys attractive to 20 something year old women? The absence of men.… Read more »
Hi John Anderson “Why can’t a man flip burgers for $10 an hour, walk home, and play video games in his 1 bedroom apartment and let his boss work herself to death putting in 60 hour weeks, pay the gas tax, tolls, etc. driving home to her 4 bedroom house that she pays property taxes on and be the grease that runs the societal machine if that’;s what he chooses to do with his life and that’s what she chooses to do with her life?” When was it forbidden for a man to choose to choose to flip burgers for… Read more »
Hi Iben, I hope you’re well. I think it’s important how we treat each other. I also understand that there is a fundamental difference in the meaning of well in the U.S. and Europe. In Europe, well is a positive endeavor, good Samaritan laws. In the U.S., it’s the absence of harm. If I don’t break into your house, I’m a good neighbor. I grew up as one of a very few minorities in an almost entirely white neighborhood in the most segregated city in the U.S. in the 70s. There were a few people who welcomed us mostly those… Read more »
I did want to mention one more thing, but didn’t want my comment to be too long so I broke it up. We had some neighbors growing up who didn’t like minorities, but hadn’t moved out and changed their opinions about us. Depending on when they changed their opinion, I accepted them as friends, but there was a time where I was like I was OK without your friendship for 20 years, I have other things I’m doing now. It wasn’t like I’d attack them, but that ship had passed. The one thing I’ve been thinking about when I look… Read more »
Hi John Anderson “Mail order bride” Why not travel there and get to know women face to face? I am sure you have read up about how to find a wife online and know the risk. I understand your mother. She wants to see you have your own family ,and I can assure it is worth good to have a close partner and family. Don’t worry about the fact that you maybe will leave this earth when your children are young like age 15-25. If you are there for them 100% when they grow up,and give them as much of… Read more »
John Anderson
I am sorry about my typo.
How they treat children ( not eat children).
I wish we could edit here.
Cheap sex = Women aren’t charging enough for sex.
Men pay for sex and love through ‘marriage’.
Marriage = Expensive Prostitution.
Divorce = Financially/Legally indentured man servant.
Divorce = Forced wealth transfer from men to women & the state (socialism).
Good one. I see what you did there, Dave. Very funny, Dave. Humor.
Insightful article Jed!
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Contributor
Good Men Project
A great article !
Yes, I am totally agree with it cheap sex is not good for the relationship.To now more about sex visitliterotica