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Another week in isolation…
This crisis is really putting a magnifying glass on my (alarmingly natural) gift for hibernation, as well as my capacity for eating chocolate. How about you?
It’s also exposing a lot of cracks in relationships – both those under the same roof and the long-distance ones – as they strain under the weight of this “new normal.”
Just this morning, I had the pleasure of working with a woman who is in my live coaching group, and she confided that she was having an issue with her boyfriend.
Like many, she found herself in a long-distance relationship all of a sudden, as she and her guy self-isolate about 30 minutes from each other in their separate homes.
I said to her, “That must be tough. Are you speaking every day?”
Her answer revealed more than I anticipated…
It quickly became clear to me that her needs were being ignored, and that she was ignoring a conversation she needed to have. Something I’m worried too many people are doing right now.
If you’re in a similar situation, where you’re feeling scared to ask for what you need, then you need to watch this video.
Thinking of you.
P.S. If you stay until the end of the video, you’ll get free access to a training session where I coach a woman to be her bravest self. I know it will give you courage (and the tools) to do the same.
P.P.S. Always remember, your standards aren’t a luxury. They are a necessity.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
well here we are this t-shirt these
00:05
jeans this belt I’m wearing accessories
00:10
it’s all a lie I have not looked like
00:13
this in not just ours but days I’m even
00:18
like you see me adjusting my shirt
00:20
that’s me
00:22
sort of trying to hide my newfound belly
00:25
anyway hello
00:28
another week in isolation there was a
00:31
woman who I had the pleasure of working
00:34
with for a little while this morning who
00:38
told me of an issue she’s got with her
00:40
boyfriend who is now long distance they
00:43
live about 30 minutes apart they’re not
00:45
seeing each other I asked her are they
00:47
speaking every day it was just a casual
00:49
question and I didn’t know that anything
00:51
would come of it I said oh that must be
00:52
tough are you speaking every day and she
00:54
said well actually we text every day but
00:58
we speak on the phone about once a week
01:00
and I thought oh that’s interesting
01:01
because I don’t know many people who in
01:04
a relationship can get by on just one
01:06
phone call week not Stu not to say that
01:08
there’s anything wrong with that there
01:11
are many ways to have a relationship and
01:13
it depends on how each person feels but
01:15
I know for me that wouldn’t be nearly
01:17
enough and so I said to her is that
01:19
enough for you I said who is it you
01:22
don’t like talking on the phone does he
01:24
not like talking on the phone she said
01:26
why he doesn’t like talking on the phone
01:28
I said well have you talked to him about
01:29
it she said why he’s kind of stubborn
01:32
and she kind of almost shrugged that off
01:34
like it was a cute quality of his and I
01:36
said well do you want to have that
01:39
conversation and she said well I don’t
01:41
know I mean I think it’s good for me
01:43
anyway because I need to focus on my
01:46
independence and I think this is
01:47
actually a good time for me to do that
01:49
it’s to focus on being more independent
01:52
now I’m always interested in those
01:55
moments where people find ways to square
01:58
in their own mind something that maybe
02:00
isn’t meeting their needs because
02:02
clearly this person because even when I
02:05
said to her do you like speaking on the
02:06
phone she lit up she said I love
02:08
speaking on the phone it says so this is
02:12
not a situation that’s meeting
02:13
your needs I get that you want to be
02:16
more independent or that you feel that
02:17
something that you could focus on during
02:19
this time and that’s wonderful but
02:22
there’s a quote from one of my favorite
02:24
movies interstellar where Matthew
02:27
McConaughey’s father-in-law says to him
02:29
never trust the right thing done for the
02:31
wrong reason and I would apply that in
02:33
this case that whilst it may be a good
02:35
thing for her and all of us to focus on
02:37
our independence and our ability to take
02:40
care of ourselves or or self-soothe at
02:43
times in this case it was being used as
02:47
justification for her not speaking up
02:50
about her needs which really wasn’t
02:53
happening because she was afraid of what
02:56
might happen if she did when we’re
02:58
afraid to bring up our needs what is it
02:59
was scared of we’re scared that we might
03:01
be seen as high-maintenance we’re scared
03:04
that it might lead to confrontation
03:05
we’re scared that we might seem weak or
03:08
needy or overly vulnerable and that will
03:11
be perceived as unattractive we’re
03:13
afraid that we’ll be perceived as a nag
03:15
at its most extreme we’re afraid that
03:18
rightly or wrongly rationally or
03:20
irrationally that us bringing something
03:23
up could precipitate a breakup
03:25
we’ve pictured the unhappiness of
03:27
someone leaving but we’re not
03:30
associating with the unhappiness we
03:33
already have in our needs not being met
03:36
we are already in pain if our needs
03:38
aren’t being met in the situation we’re
03:40
in
03:40
we’re not avoiding pain we are in pain
03:43
we’re just in a different kind of pain
03:44
that’s something that can be avoided by
03:46
a approaching something with confidence
03:49
with calm and of course we’re going to
03:53
have emotion but try to have some
03:55
emotional neutrality in the moment so
03:59
that you’re able to make your case
04:00
without losing control to your emotions
04:03
where you now get angry or excessively
04:06
upset when you’re trying to just
04:08
communicate that hey this is something
04:10
that’s important to me it may not be
04:12
right all wrong that you don’t want to
04:14
speak to me as much as I want to speak
04:16
to you but it’s not enough for me right
04:19
now it’s not enough connection I see a
04:21
relationship as a blending of two colors
04:25
you represent a color
04:27
he represents a color in a bad
04:29
relationship that’s imbalanced where one
04:32
person holds all the power or is in the
04:35
driving seat and dictates the rhythm the
04:38
routine the atmosphere the environment
04:40
of the relationship it’s almost like
04:43
this person has this really dominant
04:45
color and one person comes along and you
04:48
know puts a droplet of their color in
04:51
there just to stain that color slightly
04:53
but ultimately it remains this person’s
04:56
color so the entire relationship now is
04:58
the color of this person if you’ve ever
05:00
been in the driver’s seat you’ve noticed
05:02
this in Reverse
05:03
you know they added a tiny drop of their
05:06
color to you but ultimately the hue of
05:10
the relationship the color of the
05:12
relationship was your color in a really
05:14
balanced and positive relationship two
05:17
colors blend together to create a new
05:21
color rule together a beautiful bright
05:23
new color that is the representation of
05:26
both worlds both personalities both sets
05:29
of routines both sets of ideas
05:32
we of course retain our individual
05:34
colors outside of that but the
05:36
relationships color is an equal
05:38
representation of the two as opposed to
05:41
this person retains their individual
05:43
color and also make sure the entire
05:45
relationship is their color as well so
05:47
ask yourself this question whether
05:49
you’re married whether you’ve been
05:50
together a few years or whether you’re
05:52
just starting out with someone what’s
05:55
the color of your relationship and is
05:59
that color representative of a balanced
06:04
blend of the both of you or have you
06:07
through a desire to appease to please to
06:10
placate to hold on to that relationship
06:13
allowed it to become 90% their color and
06:17
10% yours all the while pretending to
06:21
yourself that their color is yours too
06:24
if you’re watching this and thinking oh
06:27
I want to be braver this is going to
06:31
require some bravery and I want to push
06:34
myself to get outside my comfort zone
06:37
then I invite you to watch a training
06:41
we’re a coach a woman on stage and show
06:44
her exactly how to do that and I think
06:46
by watching her you’ll also see how you
06:48
too can be braver and get out of your
06:51
comfort zone so go to this link check it
06:54
out and I will see you there
07:03
you
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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Photo credit: Screenshot from video