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Hey.
Hope you’re doing well 🙂
I wanted to use today’s video to talk about our fear of what other people think.
How often do you find yourself anxiously thinking about what others think of something you’ve done? Or not doing something because you’re worried about how your friends, family – or even strangers – will react if you do?
I’ve spent the last decade of my life in the public eye in one way or another, so I’ve had a lot of time to worry about what others think of me. There have been days where it’s bothered me so much I’ve not wanted to do it anymore.
And yet I’ve still managed to continue to make videos, appear on TV shows across the world, be interviewed on national radio, and, well, just generally be “out there.”
In all of this I’ve often wondered the same thing you have…
Is it actually possible to stop caring about what other people think?
My answer might surprise you, and it also contains the secret to how I’ve continued to do what I do, regardless of what people think.
Watch Now: My brand new video on dealing with this debilitating fear.
Thinking of you through all of this.
P.S. Thank you for your support during this time, even in just reading these emails and watching my new videos. It brings me so much purpose to be able to connect with you during this difficult time, and continues to be one of the great joys of my life. I so appreciate you.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
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I was recently asked by one of my
00:01
members Matthew how do I stop relying on
00:04
others for my confidence and my
00:06
happiness which begs the question is it
00:09
possible to actually stop caring about
00:12
what other people think of us the answer
00:16
I gave her possibly surprised her I said
00:20
no why evolution in it what evolution in
00:32
it its evolution isn’t it isn’t it yes
00:41
now there are people far more studied in
00:44
this area than I but in evolutionary
00:46
biology there are people that argue that
00:49
back in tribal days if we were
00:51
ostracized and outcast from our tribe
00:54
that could mean death it could be fatal
00:56
so it was just about one of the worst
00:58
things that could happen to you hence
01:00
the fear of what other people thought of
01:03
us it was important to see that coming
01:05
even today that is part of the fabric of
01:08
our DNA we have not just shaken off the
01:11
fears of our ancestors that even when we
01:15
say today I don’t care what people think
01:17
of me we’re either lying or sociopathic
01:21
because we do care and even when we’re
01:25
going to great lengths to show that we
01:27
don’t care usually that’s just another
01:29
way of caring right I care that you
01:32
think that I don’t care what you think
01:34
so resistance is futile we could be
01:41
banging our head against a wall in a
01:42
pointless endeavor and I think that’s a
01:45
waste of time plan a resist let’s not do
01:48
that Plan B change the game what does it
01:51
mean to change the game when it comes to
01:53
caring what other people think first
01:56
know who your audience is we’re not
01:59
trying to impress everybody
02:01
and yet our instincts our reflex
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response is when anybody points out
02:06
something that’s wrong with us when
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anybody criticizes when anybody says
02:10
something mean we immediate
02:12
we take it to heart and yet logically we
02:15
know if we were to spend time with those
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people and walk through their lives with
02:19
them understand their belief systems
02:21
what they like what they don’t like how
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they treat people how they live their
02:25
life we’d realize my God why am I trying
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to impress this idiot
02:29
there’s a great moment in the show Rick
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and Morty I don’t know how many of your
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fans but the irreverent maverick of a
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grandfather Rick is on stage at a
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convention in front of a bunch of people
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that he doesn’t like he says something
02:41
in the entire crowd boos he says to them
02:44
you’re booths mean nothing I’ve seen
02:46
what you cheer for I think about that
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all the time
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whenever you’re worried that someone
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thinks poorly of me think first what
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things that person cheers for and you
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might worry a little less about their
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approval number – even in the case of
03:00
the people whose approval you do seek
03:03
even on a logical level an intellectual
03:05
level don’t over respect anybody hero
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worship is dangerous even the people I
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respect the most in life I have watched
03:14
them change their opinions on things
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over and over again I have watched them
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be stupid I have watched them get things
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wrong I have watched them disagree with
03:22
me one minute and agree with me the next
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and vice versa so even the people we
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respect the most whose validation we
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often prize do not over respect them
03:33
either as Christopher Hitchens said
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whenever you feel yourself intimidated
03:37
by another human being remember it’s
03:39
just another primate and number three
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change the rules of what your confidence
03:46
is based on now what do I mean by this
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let’s imagine that right now the thing
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that’s inhibiting us is a set of rules
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we want to go over to that person and
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tell them we think they’re attractive we
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want to go for that interview for that
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job we want to start that company we
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want to voice our opinions to people
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around us or speak our mind but we don’t
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because of a set of rules that stop us
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from doing so we may have a rule that
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says I never want to be rejected now we
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may not actually verbalize that rule or
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consciously admit that
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but our behaviors or our lack of action
04:30
is suggesting that this is indeed a rule
04:32
that we have internally always being
04:34
right I always want to make sure that no
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matter what I say it’s correct that’s a
04:40
rule that will stop us from speaking up
04:41
never looking stupid if I have a rule
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that says I don’t want to look stupid I
04:45
don’t want to be embarrassed I don’t
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want to make a fool of myself
04:48
that will stop us from having a
04:50
tremendous number of experiences that
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would enrich our life that would teach
04:54
us a lot and that would allow us to live
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more intensely so here you have three
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rules one that will stop us going after
05:02
things we want in life another one that
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will stop us speaking our mind and this
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one that will stop us having new
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experiences these are very dangerous
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rules to base our confidence on and yet
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so many I would argue the majority of
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people base their confidence on these
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rules and then they wonder why they can
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never get themselves to act I just can’t
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get myself to do that thing I know there
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are things that would improve my life
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but I can’t get myself to do them if we
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change the rules of our confidence it
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means making a switch in each one of
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these areas so never being rejected
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becomes finding someone who actually
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loves us for who we are
05:40
see people go through their love lives
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all the time never wanting to be
05:43
rejected by anybody but if you’re
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rejected by somebody who gets to know
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you and then decides they don’t want you
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by definition they can’t be right for
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you so is the goal to never be rejected
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or is the goal to find someone who
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really wants you for you if it’s the
05:56
latter it creates a new rule now my
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confidence isn’t based on never being
06:01
rejected my confidence is going out
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there showing Who I am in this world and
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looking for someone who likes that
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person well if you changed always being
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right to just valuing yourself based on
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how much you care I care the most I
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think about that in terms of my videos
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and my work all the time I can’t base my
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confidence on always being right because
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I’m going to be wrong sometimes I’m
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going to miss the mark sometimes I’m
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gonna say the wrong thing
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I have to base it on just showing up
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every week and saying I care and if I
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care I’m gonna go out and speak up no
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matter what because I care about my
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subject I care that people hear it and
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if I get it wrong
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I have the ability to adapt I’ll just
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change the message until I get it right
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I’ll adapt until it’s heard the right
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way I’ll just keep manoeuvring because
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that’s what I do it’s not about being
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right all the time
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it’s about how much I care and my
06:53
ability to change when I’m wrong if I
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have these two rules in place it doesn’t
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matter that I’m wrong sometimes if
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someone says I’m wrong find that can
07:01
sting for a moment but ultimately you
07:03
can move on because you know that’s not
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ultimately what your confidence is based
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around it’s based around a different set
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of rules never looking stupid that can
07:12
change too I want to have experiences
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this isn’t about whether I always look
07:17
cool I always look in control you can’t
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look cool and in control when it’s your
07:21
first time doing something or when
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you’re not very good at something
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sometimes the fun of life is being out
07:27
of control the fun of life is looking
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stupid the fun of life is as my friend
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Karen Rinaldi would say sucking at
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something so if we put a premium on
07:37
having experiences and the rule that
07:39
I’ve set up for myself is I want to live
07:41
a life full of experiences then avoiding
07:43
looking stupid becomes secondary
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sometimes we might look stupid and we
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might get embarrassed and we might go
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red and that might happen and we go okay
07:51
so what avoiding that isn’t more
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important to me than having new
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experiences it’s not that making the
07:58
paradigm switch between this and this is
08:01
going to eliminate all of our care about
08:04
what other people think we’re all going
08:06
to be susceptible at times to something
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someone says someone’s gonna say
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something in just the right way that it
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catches us off guard or strikes a nerve
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strikes upon an insecurity we already
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have and it’s going to affect us in that
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moment it’s gonna hurt that’s normal
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that’s human right
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by the way numbing yourself to that will
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be numbing yourself to a whole bunch of
08:26
other things too so I’m not even sure
08:27
that it’s desirable to stop caring what
08:29
other people think in that way what we
08:32
need to make sure is that what other
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people say and think of us doesn’t
08:38
debilitate us doesn’t paralyze us and
08:41
stop us from going and doing the things
08:43
that would improve our lives give us joy
08:46
allow us to express ourselves and allow
08:48
us to actually make an impact on the
08:50
world because there’s a lot of people
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out there right now not
08:52
making an impact on the world on the
08:54
circle around them or themselves because
08:57
they’re so inhibited by rules that
09:00
dictate everything they do by the way
09:03
you might have a rule that as we’re
09:05
talking you realize there’s a rule that
09:08
I haven’t put up here that you have for
09:10
yourself that’s causing you a lot of
09:11
misery in which case you can run this
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exercise on that rule right you’ll roll
09:15
up on the left hand side and then write
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up what the new priority is going to be
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for you that your confidence is no
09:23
longer going to be based around this
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rule it’s going to be based around this
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one that frees you up and you’ll notice
09:28
by the way that on all of these the
09:31
locus of control is external and putting
09:34
it in the hands of other people all of
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that power in everyone else’s hands the
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locus of control on this side is
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internal these are all things that I
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have complete control over and no one
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can take away from me no one can stop me
09:48
achieving these goals but everyone can
09:51
stop me achieving these goals you see
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that tons of you ask me every week if
09:56
I’ll design a confidence program what a
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lot of people don’t realize is that I
09:59
already have it’s called the retreat the
10:03
retreat in May got cancelled I still
10:06
have one in October
10:07
many people are signing up for that but
10:09
a lot of people are asking is there any
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way for them to do it from home right
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now and what I’ve put together is
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something that allows for both not gonna
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say anymore here but let me just say
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this the offer that we have for the
10:21
at-home retreat right now is has never
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happened before and it will be almost
10:27
impossible for it to ever happen again
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it is a function of these times that
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we’re in and we’re doing something very
10:34
very special so if you’ve ever been
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interested in the at-home retreat if you
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are interested in transforming your
10:39
confidence right now while you have this
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time at home check it out I’ll leave a
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link here
10:43
go see for yourself and as always I will
10:46
see you in next week’s video
10:54
you
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Photo credit: Screenshot from video