Everyone and their dog seems to be a narcissist these days. The term gets thrown about so much you’d be forgiven for thinking that it’s an adjective. It rolls off the millennial tongue so readily you might not even realize it’s actually a serious mental disorder. Neither did I initially.
Like most people, the first time I heard the term I immediately thought of a vain, arrogant, halfwit whose favorite pronoun is ‘I’. I now know that’s an extremely superficial understanding at best.
Language naturally develops and shifts over time. New buzzwords are quickly adopted into everyday use. Especially those derived from the world of mental health.
It’s become the norm to hear terms like ‘psycho’, ‘schizo’, and ‘manic’ casually integrated into everyday language. The latest to be widely misappropriated is ‘narcissist’.
The term has flooded everyday language to such an extent that it has now lost its true meaning— that of a clinically disordered individual.
Just how prevalent is Narcissism really?
Statistics indicate that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) account for anywhere from 1- 5% of the population.
Narcissism, like many other disorders, exists on a spectrum. There is a huge difference between someone who has mild narcissistic traits compared to someone at the malignant end of the spectrum. Full-blown NPD is much rarer than just having narcissistic traits.
In addition, younger more immature folk lean toward having more narcissistic traits in general. Recent studies have discovered that the human brain does not actually fully mature until at least 25 years old — Yikes! Worryingly, but not surprisingly, adolescence now stretches to a quarter of a century.
So, if you’re dealing with a difficult or troublesome juvenile — have patience. Don’t assume the worse. Maturity doesn’t start at 18.
When did narcissism become fashionable?
It’s easy to throw a label at someone but a lot harder to try and actually understand them. Not many of us have the time or inclination to decipher the motives of others. And nor should we have to.
It’s not unusual to overhear ‘narcissist’ being used to describe every tiny act of self-absorption. In today’s world of self-promotion, people can be astonishingly self-obsessed. Posting endless selfies, hogging the bathroom mirror, or shouting into your phone does not define someone as a narcissist.
Most narcissistic behaviors are not even recognizable to the untrained eye. Would you see through feigned concern, divide and conquer techniques, or a carefully calculated smear campaign?
Most can’t and don’t.
We take the narcissist at face value because we assume that any untoward behavior was either unintentional or misinterpreted. It’s hard to fathom that people can and do behave in ways that are beyond our comprehension.
Where do we draw the line?
However, despite this not every jerk has a personality disorder. Some people just don’t care to sugarcoat life or conform to societal norms. And that’s ok.
What’s not ok is to carelessly label someone with a mental disorder when you have no idea of what it actually entails. Many victims suffer excruciating abuse at the hands of true narcissists — especially from those at the malignant end of the spectrum. To casually label someone as a narcissist undermines and minimizes the horrific abuse that their victims suffer. We must learn to distinguish between those who are careless with our feelings and those that truly suffer from narcissistic personality disorder.
Malignant narcissists can deliberately drive victims to suicide — something they obtain great pleasure and supply from. Narcissistic abuse leaves deep-rooted scars that often never heal.
Anxiety, depression, complex PTSD, and emotional flashbacks are just a few of the side effects of having your spirit systematically destroyed on a daily basis. Throwing around the word ‘narcissist’ trivializes its legitimate victims.
Those of us that have been targeted by a true narcissist know the difference. Not only is it offensive to hear it used so flippantly it can also be extremely damaging.
There’s a big difference between someone who leans towards selfishness compared to a vindictive, malicious person who is hell-bent on annihilating you. Yes, people can be selfish, arrogant or even abusive but that does not necessarily qualify them as being a narcissist.
There’s something incredibly validating for a victim to be able to authentically recognize an abuser as a narcissist. The diagnosis brings genuine comfort to the victim and allows them to put a name to what they suffered.
Many victims have spent years being gaslit into thinking that they were the problem. Finally having a name for the abuse they endured gives validation and allows them to understand, process, and move on with their lives.
Learning to differentiate
Narcissism reveals itself through repetitive maladaptive behaviors that are displayed over time. We need to continually observe a person in many different situations, over significant periods before we can draw a solid conclusion.
If you think you are dealing with a narcissist ask yourself the following:
- Is the relationship reciprocal?
- Do they take responsibility for their actions?
- Do they always play the victim?
- Do they regularly act entitled?
- Do they display genuine empathy?
- Do their actions match their words?
- Are they congruent in who they portray themselves to be?
- Does their persona feel authentic or contrived?
Can Narcissism be healthy?
Indiscriminate name-calling is never the answer. Yes, it feels good to throw a derogatory label or two about, especially when someone has wronged us. It feeds into our sense of moral superiority. We denounce others into categories we deem appropriate without ever considering how accurate it actually is.
In addition, our own intrinsic levels of healthy narcissism, need to be considered. Healthy narcissism fuels our sense of self-confidence and resilience. Every individual has a certain level of narcissistic traits within them. Healthy narcissism gives us the impetus to persevere with difficult tasks, attain lofty goals and feel a sense of joy and accomplishment from our achievements.
Some people score higher on the scale of healthy narcissism than others — should we bunch them into the same category as those with toxic narcissism? This is why ‘narcissist’ has never been considered an official mental health diagnosis.
Learning to use our discernment when identifying toxic people is imperative. When we retrain the focus toward their behavior rather than the label we get a much better indicator of what we are dealing with.
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Previously Published on medium
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