Bill and Sarah were at it again.
Over the last 15 years it seemed this conversation had no end. But that didn’t stop Bill from trying.
Bill: “We can’t just keep going on like this!”
Sarah: “Like what?”
Bill: “Once again you’re not in the mood for sex and I get rejected. I want to talk about it and you don’t. We never reach any resolution to this. And your indifference is pissing me off.”
Sarah: “I’m not indifferent. It’s just not the only thing I think about like it is for you.”
Bill: “It’s NOT all I think about, but it’s important to me to have an intimate connection with my wife.”
Sarah: “Oh, whenever you want to have sex you call it an “intimate connection” so I appear to be the cold-hearted witch. This is why I don’t want to talk about it. You make me feel horrible when we talk about it.”
Bill: “All I’m saying is that a healthy sex life is normal and we’re NOT normal and I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I can’t see me doing this for another 15 years.”
Sarah: “There’s a lot of other stuff in our marriage that isn’t normal either, you know.”
Bill: “Like what?”
Sarah: “Like the way you treat me, talk to me and criticize me. Is sex so important to you that you would leave me and our kids?!”
Bill: “No, yes, I mean I don’t know… argh…what kind of question is that? Who said anything about leaving?”
♦◊♦
This is the same conversation Bill and Sarah have about every 6 months. It’s always the same. Bill tries his same logical approach to solving the sex problem and Sarah ends the conversation by challenging his dedication to his family.
It sounds like they aren’t even close to being on the same page in this discussion.
Actually, they are always on exactly the same page. Both are suffering from the same thing and it’s killing them and their marriage.
More than anything else, Bill and Sarah want to feel valued, respected, appreciated and truly loved. They both want to feel a sense of certainty in their marriage.
They just don’t know they are on the same page because their individual needs for feeling those things look very different. And because they appear so starkly different to each other their only option is to place blame and sulk away in resentment – for another 6 months.
♦◊♦
Why it’s Not About the Sex
Bill and Sarah’s relationship had a very steamy beginning 15 years ago.
Sex was the familiar, easy road to feeling valued, respected, appreciated and loved. Until it wasn’t any longer.
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With a strong physical attraction and desire for each other, their first year together was full of the kind of sexual intimacy that kept their cups running over. They didn’t spend much time developing deeper emotional, intellectual or spiritual connections. In fact, those were uncomfortable, scary places to be avoided at all costs. They preferred to keep things light and fun.
Sex was the familiar, easy road to feeling valued, respected, appreciated and loved.
Until it wasn’t any longer.
Not long into their marriage they both started to feel empty and disconnected. Sarah wanted to feel the spark of attraction, aliveness and trust she felt in the beginning. Bill wanted to feel her unconditional desire, admiration and respect he thought would never fade.
As the intensity of their early attraction waned so did their ability to be light and fun with each other. Feeling happy and in love was supposed to be easy and it was getting harder. They both started to question if they ever really loved each other.
They judged the depth of their love by their individual feelings of “happiness”. They took no responsibility for creating love because they knew little about HOW to love. And the little they did know was way too risky – way too scary.
So without any other tools to dig deeper, they just stood their ground not knowing how to give what the other needed.
Sarah wanted to be treated better.
Bill wanted more sex.
In 6 months, they’ll have another conversation. The same conversation.
♦◊♦
Are You Avoiding the Deep End?
The “deep end” is all about deciding to learn how to love one another.
They both need to switch their focus from feeling happy and in love to creating happiness and creating love.
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It’s about Bill and Sarah trading in their “How happy am I?” measuring sticks for one that measures how well they are creating love. They have to want to learn how to love more than they want the other to make them happy. They must consciously decide to change their measuring stick!
Why?
Because a person who is stuck in the “How happy am I?” mode of measurement is blinded by their self-interests. They are consumed by what they feel they are not getting and are numb to their ability to give. They unconsciously sabotage every conversation and interaction with their smoldering resentment and the belief their partner holds all the cards.
They are giving up responsibility for their own happiness…as if happiness exists in the hands of others.
And when they give up that responsibility, they also give up their power to think, say and do anything that will create feelings of love in their partner.
This is the challenge for Bill and Sarah.
They both need to switch their focus from feeling happy and in love to creating happiness and creating love.
Bill needs to go into the scary place of discovering what emotional intimacy and safety means for Sarah. He will have to WANT to become a man and husband who learns how Sarah’s needs for attraction and trust are met. Then he will need to turn his knowledge into action.
Sarah needs to face her fear of being more vulnerable and comfortable in creating sexual polarity. She will have to WANT to become a woman and wife who learns how Bill’s needs for admiration and desire are filled in many ways beyond sex. Then she will need to step into her fear and take action.
♦◊♦
Bill and Sarah’s unproductive, semi-annual conversations need to be replaced by something much deeper. They need to discover the joy and confidence in becoming partners who want to create love with each other. This will be a scary jump into the “deep end” – where honesty, truth, transparency and vulnerability lurk.
This is where they will find the happiness, trust, respect and passion they both want.
♦◊♦
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You get used to celibacy and being a family bank. This is the role you signed up for when you got married. Complaining about it now is pointless. You’ll get your life back when the last child is out of the house and on their own.
In my case: Lack of sexual intimacy was both a symptom of other issues as well as a cause of some. Nothing i did was good enough to overdone the demons in her head. She was unwilling to meet my sexual interests halfway. After a decade of celibacy, I finally felt brave enough to leave without fear of abandoning my child and taking the blame for breaking up the only family my child knew. I claimed my sexuality back again. Leaving saved me from the death of staying. This article isn’t about real people. It’s a hypothetical set of scripts… Read more »
Hey Bill and Sarah,
I suggest you check out a support group called iliasm.org where you can talk to real people in this situation.
This is not the right conversation – because it is not a conversation about mutuality, as Trey points out below.
It’s not a man’s job to be the initiator or sustainer of the right marital environment. That’s a sexist approach.
Rather, it is both of their jobs. He should be doing his best to give her the love she wants the way she wants it…
And vice-versa.
If he’s doing his best and she’s not (no blow jobs,etc) – that’s on her. She’s got to CHOOSE to change.
Yep, this pretty much says the same thing.
“They both need to switch their focus from feeling happy and in love to creating happiness and creating love.”
But…this never happens “mutually” in the beginning. Someone needs to know what’s happening and how to get things moving in the right direction. I teach men how to do that.
Sounds like Sarah just went and cut him off for no reason other than her feelings and you want to blame Bill. Stop saying sex is not the issue. This is not either/or. This is both. And BTW – Why does Bill have to leave? If Sarah has abandoned the marriage bed for no good reason that is grounds for divorcing her and taking the house and kids from her.
Oh that’s right. Men are the ones who always lose in divorce. Time to start sucking up to Sarah, I guess.
Because we’ve allowed the conversation about happiness in marriage to revolve around if he is providing her with enough…..The idea that a husband is responsible for his own and more importantly his wife’s happiness without any expectation of reciprocation. And that is bullshit…. she is equally as responsible for the state of the marriage as he is… just culturally we’ve written women a pass and to many take cruel advantage of it. Unilaterally deciding to end the sex in a marriage, that was is a punishment for his failure to meet her “needs”….would we be OK with him choosing to… Read more »
Sorry, Ricky. Sex isn’t the issue. In a relationship that lacks the basics of emotional connection, safety, honesty and openness….men aren’t any happier getting regular sex. They KNOW she isn’t connected to him and they still get pissed and anxious. Good sex is the result of real connection – not faked attraction or obligation sex. Sex is not the first indicator of what’s really wrong. Now, when a man comes to a place where emotional connection, safety, honesty and openness are impossible with his wife – and he’s done all he can to establish those – should he settle for… Read more »