Jayson Gaddis used to be the classic unavailable guy, the one whose heart women tried to melt. But it never worked. And he’s got some insight into why.
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I used to be the classic unavailable guy.
I attracted insecure women who tried to crack the code of my heart.
They never found the key.
Ouch.
Sound familiar?
Well I’m about to share with you one simple “trick” you can do to get your shut down man to open up.
First, ask yourself a few questions:
Does your man get distant like I was?
Does he shut down and stay shut down?
Does he get irritated when you simply ask, “what’s wrong?”
Is his phone more important than eye contact with you?
Do you sense his heart is closed, guarded or protected in some way?
And, do you just long for that amazing heart of his?
If so, read on…
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At a certain point while dating (or being with) a shut down guy, normal women reach their threshold.
They’ve had enough.
As one woman said to me recently, “I was banging my head against the invisible concrete wall of his heart.”
But here’s the interesting part.
These women keep trying.
Or, they leave the guy, only to find themselves with another shut down guy.
Hmmm…
Okay, so let’s say you find yourself with a guy like this, what do you do?
One simple thing:
Do a 180.
What?
Let me explain.
Most women are dealing with an unavailable guy backwards.
Remember, when I was an unavailable guy in my former life, I attracted a lot of women who were drawn to the mystery of my lack of openness.
They wanted “in.”
I didn’t even know I was blocking them out or pushing them away.
And guess what, the more I struggled, the more they tried to help.
Did that work?
No.
In fact, them trying to “help” drove me further away.
The women I dated were making the same mistakes a lot of women make. As I said in another post, there are three big mistakes women make when trying to get an unavailable man to connect with them. Go watch that video.
But there’s good news…there is another way.
What is it?
Watch this video where I explain what to do instead. In this video, I share one “trick” that will get an unavailable man to want you, pay attention to you, and open his heart to you.
Seriously.
Check it out below.
What’s the trick, in case you didn’t watch the video?
It’s really quite simple.
So, instead of EHH, the trick is this:
Take the attention off him, and begin to focus on your own life, your empowerment, and how amazing you are.
In other words, focus all of your attention on you.
That’s right.
No need to wait around for scraps that resemble affection from him.
I guarantee you, when you focus on your own self care, self love, and self empowerment, he’ll do one of three things:
- Be inspired and snap out of his fog
- Feel intimidated and check out further
- Get clingy, needy, and desperate
All have benefits.
And all 3 are helpful to him and his path.
Women who date unavailable guys, slowly without knowing it, start to make it a project to “figure him out” to “get inside his head” and to “get him to love me.” It’s subtle and happens slowly over time.
And, when women do this, they lose themselves every single time.
Do you really want to work that hard to get love?
Not if you are smart.
Clawing at his heart is futile because these types of men do not value intimacy in the same way that you do.
So, if you are this woman, no need to lose yourself over time, trying to “get” the love you want by convincing your man to change.
If you do want an unavailable man to want you, then pay attention to you, embrace you, stand in your brilliance and stop tolerating men who can’t, or won’t, meet you there.
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Photo: Flickr/Dan Queiroz
Love this website. Fabulously helpful article. I love men more and more everyday when I see articles like this! thank you x
I think a lot of commenters here are missing the point of the article, which is basically that you can’t change your partner. If you are with a person whose primary defense mechanism is emotional withdrawl, constantly poking and prodding him will just make him withdraw further. Think of him like a turtle. You can’t get a turtle out of its shell by poking it more. You have to back off and see what happens. if you really can’t stand being with an emotionally unavailable guy but you keep ending up with those guys, you need to do some work… Read more »
@ Marie Here’s the thing. If you’re not willing to do the work, that’s totally fine. Move on. It’s probably better for both of you. No one wins if one person is unhappy. No one is saying you should stay. That’s up to each individual person. If you decide to give it a try, here’s my take. First thing I would say is are you sure he didn’t open up? You won’t get many chances. Often times just once and if you miss it, he may not open up at all. I dated a woman who didn’t speak English well… Read more »
OK, so I’m trying to understand this, as friends and I have all been attracted and/or involved with emotionally unavailable men at one time or another. We were the ones approached by the guys, not the other way around. The situation was just as the article author posted. There were just enough scraps of affection, usually given when we were getting to a point where it was obvious that intimacy was not growing, and we had tried every method given, and were starting to pull away. It’s a pretty common pattern. I’m asking the guys who commented: How do you… Read more »
This seems like good advice, poorly phrased. On the one hand, I agree that there’s no sense in bashing your head against a wall… but the way you’ve phrased it here seems manipulative, abusive, and comes across as an ultimatum. The fact is, women are not entitled to be let in. Men, individually and collectively, don’t owe that to a woman just because she demands it. If she wants to be in on that inner space of his, then- as John Anderson above puts it- she has to do a little work to make sure he’s in a safe spot… Read more »
8ball
you write ” the fact is women are not entitled to be let in”.
So what you are saying is that men can approch women for sex,and if women ask what he really wants, and would like to know his intentions and what he feels about her since he is a person that want to have sex with them then SHE express entitlement?
Has it ever occurd to you that persons that act like that , they USE others to satisfy their own needs . The issue is not one about letting somebody into your own inner world.
We’re not talking about a one-night stand here. We’re talking about a relationship. The context is an already established relationship, it has to be or this article makes even less sense. So, yes, I stand by my statement. If you want your boyfriend to open up emotionally, you have to do the work. You don’t get to just demand that he “share his emotions” on your own whim. Same way people expect to feel safe before they’re able to open up sexually. it is the Same. Damn. Thing. I mean, jesus, how would you react if this were an article… Read more »
8ball Maybe we misunderstand each other? I do not think anyone ever has the right to demand that an other person share their feelings with them. That is not how it works,we can agree on that. And I can assue you I have never demanded a man or a friend to tell me how they feel. But sometime many of us get hurt in relationship because our partner is dishonest about his or her real feelings. That is what I mean. But men and women sometimes goes into relationships with a person they know they do not want to be… Read more »
Sounds like he may have had Aspergers.
I didn’t read anything that sounds like manipulation or ultimatum.
It’s not about entitlement, but a genuine desire to connect with someone, to know the human in them, to understand, care and love. And no, no one said anything about demanding anything as well.
But I guess that’s all about the genders. If they were reserved, maybe you would smile to the article and not even come to the same conclusions. That’s how the men who always comment here usually act hahaha.
Jayson
Why not give your advice to men instead?
Tell the emotionaly unavaiable men to leave women alone!
I think it’s because the emotionally unavailable men are not the people complaining. I do find it odd that the solutions given to men and women seem to be different. That’s probably why MGTOW has become so popular. Men have found the barriers to entry and exist so draconian that they won’t even enter the dating market.
HI John Anderson
I am not sure I understand what you mean.
Lets imagine the emotionally men complained ( since you say they do not complain and I do not agree with you) but let us imagine that they complained ,and was able to express this in words.
If the emotionally unavaiable men spoke up, what would they say?
Is MRA and MGTOW expressing what these men feel and would have said if they complained instead of withdrawing ?
typo
Lets imagine the emotionally unavailable men complained…..
@ Silke @ Silke Good question. There is some overlap between MRAs and MGTOWs. MRAs strive for equality between men and women with the emphasus being where men are disadvantaged. There are some women who are MRAs. MGTOWs are men who take the position that any relationships they have with women must be on their terms thus many MGTOWs have forgone relationships with women because you can’t really have a one way relationship that works. Some MGTOWs don’t like societies rules and believe it puts them at a disadvantage. Some have been hurt so often and frequently that they find… Read more »
John Anderson I wonder if it is true that men complain less than women in relationships? Maybe it more a matter of personality. I have met many women that describe their husband or partner as very demanding. And I am sure some men will descibe their woman the same way : demanding. I think our relationhips will become better if we tell each other the truth if we are hurt. It is hard . I find it hard to say to a woman friend that she hurt me.It is hard it is nearly impossibe. If I tell a man that… Read more »
Some MRA’s just believe women have it all and men have nothing, focusing on straight men, of course. Some GTOW’s just wish women would have no rights once again, believe that women are all “sluts” nowadays and should… be erased or ~replaced by robots~, as women’s value is only about what they can do to men, mostly sexually and domestically.
If we are going to describe it all…
Hi July
Here is some interesting facts about child custody cases in the US and it makes me wonder why the MRA are so angry?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cathy-meyer/dispelling-the-myth-of-ge_b_1617115.html
Hey Claire- You’re so right. I remember the exact day when I realized i was over these types of men. I was about 22 and walking along thinking about this guy i had a crush on and it just hit me, he wore his heart on his sleeve and i actually liked him because of that! It was like the world became much bigger that day and the colors in the sky were brighter. Of course I found out a week later that he had a girl friend but i was still so happy about liking him that it didn’t… Read more »
I find it strange that when we give men advice on women it’s always do this or do that and eventually you’ll get her heart, but when we give advice to women it’s walk away as if there is something intrinsically valuable in every women, but men have to prove their worth every day. I don’t really have a problem with that advice except that it won’t work in accomplishing the goal if the gals is to unlock his heart. Here’s the thing ladies, you already know the answer. Remember back to when he asked for your number. Did he… Read more »
Of course you are spot on.
He didn’t say anything about walking away.
The problem is most unavalaible people will be like that even if you make them feel “safe”. They many times just don’t want to. You try and try, and they just don’t want to open up… now, I guess that would be better if one will just walk away if that’s really important to have your partner to “open up”, even more if you’re already in a relationship and not just still casually dating.
Yep! Why be with an emotionally unavailable man when you can be with an emotionally available man?