I was listening to the radio last week, a pledge drive as a matter of fact. A recording of a phone call with a winner of a trip to the destination of their choice was being played. The man was surprised, appreciative, and when asked where he’d like to go, he said, “I’ll need to check with the boss”, meaning his wife. This annoyed me in the same way as when my ballroom instructor says that women begin on their right foot because “women are always right.” The implication? Wives are in charge.
So, who’s the boss in your marriage is really a trick question. In the most successful marriages, there is no boss. Research shows that the happiest relationships are egalitarian ones. But way too many partners just give lip-service to this idea. Do you?
Do thoughts of Happy Wife, Happy Life and the admonition to “appease the goddess” crop up in your marriage? They may be said in jest but giving them any foothold is problematic. Having all the focus be on the happiness of one partner leaves the marriage out of balance. If either partner is not doing okay, the relationship won’t be either.
I know many women will disagree with me, but wives have an unfair advantage in many marriages. The commonly accepted idea that women know more about relationships is relative. They may be more in tune with feelings and pay more attention to relationship dynamics, but they also file almost 90% of divorces. So, obviously there is still a lot about marriage that they don’t get either.
In addition, when women’s happiness and satisfaction is the primary focus of a marriage, is it any wonder that they want to keep it that way? Allowing room for their partner means giving up some of their power. This isn’t easily done, especially when you may not even acknowledge you have it.
I don’t know when the statement “women are always right” came into being. I know that for much of history, women were considered property of first their fathers and then their husbands. In some places, this still is true. Has the pendulum swung too far in the opposite direction? Both extremes—women never matter and women only matter—create unequal and unhappy marriages.
Women like to be in charge until they don’t. They come to resent making all the decisions. But by that time, the pattern has been set. They often don’t see their part and that’s why talking about it is so hard.
So how can you bring more balance into your marriage? By adopting the Policy of Joint Agreement. No action is taken on anything unless and until both of you truly agree. It is the “two yesses, but one no” process. If one of you isn’t on board, nothing happens until there is real agreement. This allows you to make the best agreement, not necessarily the fastest or the one the more persistent partner wants. It also allows both of you to be heard and included.
This Policy puts you both in your marriage and on equal footing. There are no bosses, just co-captains. It works because you design it that way. Trust me, you and your marriage will be happier.
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This post was previously published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished here with permission from the author.
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