Mygirlfriend slapped me hard twice in the middle of a busy road.
I was stunned. It was the first time any one of us raised a hand at the other one. And it should have been the last as well. If I dared to walk away from a toxic relationship.
The relationship started when we were both 18 years old. It started on a great note. Just as most relationships do. And it seemed to be great for the first few months.
But it was short-lived.
The abject lack of emotional maturity in both of us started to rear its ugly head. The fights became frequent. Even on trivial matters. Especially on trivial matters.
By the end of the first year, I was all but sure that ours is a toxic relationship that will never pass the test of time. And it did not. No matter how much we tried.
The emotional maturity gulf was way too deep to cross. That is where our relationship fell into and died.
And yet, it took me another 6 years to finally call it quits. Here are the lessons I learned the hard way.
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Love yourself first.
When I entered into the relationship, I had extremely low self-esteem. I did not consider myself worthy enough to be loved or desired by anyone.
That is why when a girl I had just met in Mathematics tuition, gave me attention and appreciation, I got carried away. I was not used to being desired by the opposite gender. Not even in my own family.
She was the first one who saw me as someone special and something amazing. Even when I didn’t. It was endearing. Even thinking about it now makes my heart break a little. That even when we had something really special, it fizzled away all the same.
So who was the culprit? Perhaps no one. I am not here to malign her or put all the blame on her. I know better than that. I know it takes two to tango.
But this makes me realise that if I had higher self-esteem, I wouldn’t have gotten carried away like that. I could have taken it slow and analyzed her emotional behaviour more. And would have made an informed decision.
“Learn to love yourself first.”
How you can apply this:
Work on your self-esteem. Work out regularly, be fit, and keep on learning new skills. And most importantly, watch out for how you talk to yourself. There is no worse killer of self-esteem than negative and self-bashing self-talk.
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Ask a crucial question to yourself. What do you expect to get out of this relationship? Why are you entering into this relationship anyway?
I didn’t ask myself this crucial question.
To be honest, I just wanted to love her. Love her right. The way she has never been loved before.
Maybe it sounds too corny. Yes, I loved the appreciation and love I got from her too. But I can’t admit I came into a relationship with her just because I needed my ego fed. Because that really wasn’t the case.
How you can apply this:
Be intentional about why you want to be in a relationship. It is a powerful question to give much-needed clarity about the relationship.
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Have Zero Tolerance for These Red Flags.
At the start of a relationship, we tend to ignore red flags because we are way too enamoured at the moment. But there are two things you should never overlook.
Emotional Drama and Immaturity. Read that again.
Notice how they respond to an unexpected or bad event. Are they calm and composed or are losing it completely? Are they overdramatizing stuff?
Do they frequently come from a place of “life happens to me?” People who have this mindset are a perpetual pool of drama.
No matter how trivial they might seem in the moment, they always return to bite you back. It really is about small things, right?
Noticing this small detail would make a huge difference in you making a better decision.
How you can apply this:
Develop an eye to notice emotional drama and immaturity early on in relationships. You would save yourself a tonne of time and emotional trouble.
Stop watering a dead plant
Don’t tell me it is hard to tell when the plant is really dead. You know it in your heart. Always. You’re just unwilling to accept it.
I was too. And it sucked all happiness out of me.
The relationship turned into a Dementor by the end. It sucked all the good times and memories and left me miserable. I kept on trying to water a dead plant. I knew in my heart that we are never gonna make it. And yet I couldn’t get myself to break up with her.
That takes me to my next point.
How you can apply this:
Accept things as they are rather than trying to paint a picture in your head.
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Never continue your relationship past this.
Leave the relationship at once if there is a suicide threat.
End the relationship at once if there’s a suicide threat. It is nothing more than manipulation.
I know it can be scary. Feelings of guilt take over. You don’t want that on your conscience. But believe me, those who want to commit suicide, do.
They don’t do the threatening drama. And my girlfriend threatened me 3 times. By actually sending me pictures with a knife to her wrist and one having on noose on the fan. And even video-calling me through that once.
It was miserable. I wish I could have left the relationship then. So much time, energy and emotions could have been spared. On both ends.
How you can apply this:
Never overlook a suicide threat by your partner. It is a manipulation technique.
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Find a partner who is comfortable being alone.
And for that to happen, the first condition is that you yourself are comfortable in solitude.
I wasn’t at the beginning of the relationship. So many of our fights happened because of the different amounts of time we wanted to spend with each other.
Make sure your partner has a life other than you. Else, you are going to get burdened way too much. And sooner or later, it is gonna take its toll.
“Make them the centre of your heart. Not the centre of your universe.”
How you can apply this:
Give space to each other. Don’t become too enmeshed in each other’s lives.
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Steer clear of control freaks.
I like to explore new things. New skills, new places, hanging out with my friends, and playing sports. I have numerous hobbies. I absolutely love to play sports, watch movies, read books, play the guitar, travel & try new things.
Sadly, she was neither of these things.
So whenever I would make plans to pursue one of my hobbies that didn’t involve her, she would get terribly upset. She would throw tantrums and then make me cave somehow by guilt-tripping me.
And on a few occasions when I didn’t, I would never hear the end of it.
Gaslighting at its best.
I suppose none of this would have happened if she had her own set of hobbies and friends, and would let me be and gave me the space I needed.
How you can apply this:
Run the fuck away who tries to control all your actions and then play the victim card when they fail.”
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Notice This One Character Trait.
Everybody deals with negative experiences in their way. I get that. I respect that.
Yet, at some point, you have to realise that what has happened is in the past. No matter how much you ruminate over it, it is never going to change.
Everyone makes mistakes. It is what makes us human.
Forgiveness is a virtue. And so is letting go.
Look at how they treat or talk about people who have hurt them.”
Do they try to put all part of the blame on others? Do they never take responsibility? Believing that you played no part in the situation is a sign of an acute lack of self-awareness.
You are going to get the same treatment. No matter what happens it’ll always be your mistake.
Because you’ll be met with the same intensity. If they tend to overreact and over-dramatize their hurt, be ready to sign up for constant drama and misery.
This is such a biggie.
I believe I am someone who tends to forgive rather quickly. Not someone who would hold grudges on end.
Just to be clear, I used to be that. I am happy that I am not anymore.
Why this is so important, is that when you forgive someone and your partner doesn’t, it creates a rift between the two of you. And it is difficult to recover from that.
How you can apply this:
Notice if they are someone who let things go, or keeps ruminating over past deeds endlessly.
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If your partner wants to break up, let them.
“If love, attention and time are not given willingly, it is not worth having. ”
I can’t find to whom this quote is attributed. But it is so true.
There is no point in holding on to someone who has made up their mind. The best course of action, then is to just let them go.
The year before our breakup, I told my girlfriend 2 times that I don’t want to continue the relationship any further. That I want to break up. And both times she reacted aggressively to it and threatened suicide to make me cave in eventually.
It was so futile. She knew I did not stay willingly. And yet she could not let me go. It only worsened the relationship.
We could have ended on an amicable note had she let me go a year ago. Instead, we ended in the ugliest of ways.
“Let go or be dragged.”
How you can apply this:
Don’t hold onto a person who doesn’t want to stay. It serves no purpose and helps no one. Only makes matters worse.
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Before We Part
Have the courage and get out of the relationship if it is toxic.
The other person would be just fine. And you both will find someone better suited to you.
I believe I did her a disservice by not leaving her sooner. In my defence, she would act crazy every time I remotely mentioned that I wanted a break or wanted to break up. I couldn’t gather the courage.
The longer you hold onto someone that is not meant for you, the longer you are putting off finding someone that is meant for you.
Don’t rush to get into a relationship. Take time and analyze both yourself and the person you want to get into a relationship with.
Learn from my mistakes if you can and choose your partner wisely.
It is the most important decision you can ever make.
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Thanks for taking out your precious time to read this article. Ever grateful!
-Shashwat
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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