Kenny Bodanis is tired of being asked if he’s “that way” or just seems that way.
In a recent post I wrote:
“Three things I will never do:
1. Spend an evening of intimacy with Ronnie Wood.
2. Share a bowl of chocolate-covered pomegranate seeds with Barack Obama.
3. Work myself into the Lotus Position without dislocation.”
Upon reading #1 on the list, my wife called me from work: “An evening with Ronnie Wood?! People really are going to think you’re gay.”
♦◊♦
The comment was nothing new. Sarcasm and quips related to my sexuality have followed me since I was 7 years-old like crane flies under street lights.
I did myself no favors:
– I figure skated for seventeen years. For two of those I was a competitive ice dancer; for the final three I taught the discipline professionally.
– I love cooking, and keep an online recipe book.
– I share true feelings with others.
– One of my go-to dress shirts is hot pink.
– Among my favorite movies are “Fame” and “Saturday Night fever”; and at the time it was released, I was also memorized by “Flashdance”. I was moved as much by the dancing and the soundtrack as I was captivated by Jennifer Beals.
♦◊♦
People are most intrigued about the figure skating. When asked why I first took up the sport, I make the mistake of answering honestly: At the age of 6, I saw my older (male) cousin perform a solo routine to Kermit the Frog’s “Rainbow Connection.” His outfit was green lycra, with a sequins rainbow travelling from left shoulder to right hip. I was agog.
Though I was never physically assaulted by the hockey teams brushing past me and my various practice and show gear on their way to the locker room; “fag” and “nice outfit, homo” were phrases I heard as often as “If you’re afraid of falling, you’ll never complete the rotation on your double Lutz.”
If anything, snide remarks over the past thirty-three years have only helped develop a healthy sarcastic sense of humor.
I would usually either ignore questions about my sexuality, or laugh them off, or simply answer “no” and continue with my day.
Until lately.
I finally asked myself: why do I need to defend my heterosexuality or deny to anyone that I’m gay?
It is clearly implied in their question, and therefore in my answer, that gay is something to be avoided.
It’s not. It is just a state of being.
It is actually a lewd curiosity: there’s Kenny, I wonder which gender he prefers having sex with. Does he find an erect penis attractive? Or naked breasts? Who does he fantasize about, Jessica Simpson or George Hamilton?
These are really the questions people are curious about when they broach the topic of an individual’s sexuality.
No one questions whether I’m a member of the NRA, or the Tea Party, or whether I’m a racist. Somehow, though, my sexuality is fair game – even if it is in jest. It is of no importance to people which memberships tickle my fancy, but they sure wonder who I fancy to tickle with my member.
Shamefully, I allow my metrosexuality to prevent my defense of homosexuality. While people jest openly to me about what they perceive as my more feminine inclinations, the room really quiets down when I don’t join the chorus of laughter following a “fag” joke.
Maybe he really is gay…
Maybe I am? What happens now?
Are you imagining me doing weird things with strange people? Are you dismayed the immature jokes have to stop when I’m in the room? Am I not invited to the company golf tournament?
As it is, I already choose the “spa” option on the company form, so I’m never on the course anyway.
As Montgomery MacNeil said in “Fame” (The original 1980 version. The remake?…Don’t even go there, sister.): “Gay used to be such a happy word.”
Am I gay?
Have you ever wondering why you’re asking such a manifestly creepy queston?
Why don’t I answer?
Because it’s none of your damn business.
Photo—Man with glasses from Shutterstock
Well, I guess that makes ME one of the, what, .05% of men who didn’t get “laid” until my wedding night at age 26. Yes, I got the “I like you as a friend” etc. etc. routine all through high school and college, but what kept me going was that I knew that there is life after HS and college. I’ve been married for nearly 19 years now. I was (more than likely) thought to be gay in HS/college; was approached by 2 men who, once I politely told them I didn’t swing that way, we later became friends and… Read more »
News flash, folks…being “gay” in the eyes of others has zip to do with whether you get off on men or women or house plants. Gender is performative, and in their eyes, you are underperforming.
Blow it off if you like, but understand that finding open minded people out there is harder than you think, and that often there is a high price to be paid for being yourself.
Goodness all these people talking about being constantly hit on by men – i have spent the last 4 years of my life trying to get that kind of attention and ‘nothing’ – i know it annoys you guys but you gotta know – on some level your lucky bastards – i can sympathise though i feel part of the problem is growing up with 2 older brothers in a neighbourhood full of knuckle dragging, quadrupedal nitwits – you learn to act straight – though i have never had many feminine tenancies – in fact femininity in men is something… Read more »
I think “None of your damn business” sums it up. I don’t understand why someone’s sexuality is anyone’s business!?! But then again I have to wonder if society, being more open to alternative life styles has caused people to be more comfortable with asking the question? Personally, sexuality is personal, what people do behind closed doors is their business and shouldn’t be something to qualify a person one way or another.
I have a more progressive work place. There are a lot of people that are out. They don’t seem to be having problems. There have been issues that some people have had who were thought to be gay, but never came out (I don’t know if they were gay to begin with). One guy was in a department of women and believed that his female coworkers were out to get him. It’s weird that the guys who came out had less resistance than the ones who were suspected. This is the only place I worked that has actual urinal dividers.… Read more »
Ex-gymnast and stage actor (my last character was actually a gay waiter), at 26 I can count my sexual partners on two thumbs. I don’t drink beer, I drink gin cocktails, I write poetry, and. That my current girlfriend lives in another country doesn’t help the assumptions that she’s “cover.”
And this is from people who like me! Excellent article, shared for sure.
“I can count my sexual partners on two thumbs.”
That’s great!
I always wanted to be a gymnast…man, they’re in good shape. But I realized how much work it entailed, so I took up skating instead. Beside, I’m too tall….yeah, that’s it….too tall.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in9SiDtJLaU The first half’s for you, the second one for me. 😆 Loved your article. 🙂 What I loved the most is that you got figured out, that you don’t feel like you have to apologize for anything that you do, or the way you act (okay, maybe you feel it still a tiny bit, but you don’t act on it). Especially the fact that you’re a straight guy, who isn’t homophobic and actually thinks “So what if I were. That is not a bad thing. At all. But I’m not.” Usually the straight guys that “look gay” (whatever that’s… Read more »
Never. I gave up on immaturity. That’s why I have, like, one friend.
Thanks for the comments!
I like to wear pink dress shirts too. I have noticed though there is a notion that black men can get away with wearing pink
Ha! Whenever I wear my pink shirt, I try to convince people I’m black; they don’t buy it. People can be so closed minded…
From the ages of 10 through 17 I was called “faggot” approximately 10 billion times and “pussy” approximately 9.9 billion times by my peers, both male and female. I grew up wondering if I actually was gay, even though I liked girls, since evidently everyone else but me thought I was a homosexual.
That’s the kind of shit that you just can’t ever get over. When I meet someone new, I automatically wonder if he or she thinks I am gay, and I am 40+ years old.
Haha, I’m your female counterpart in being assumed a lesbian when I am in fact quite straight. Like you, I typically don’t answer because I’d rather have those people reexamine the way they think and talk about lesbians than know who I prefer having sex with. If there is something offensive you wouldn’t say in front of an LGBT individual, don’t say it in front of me. I do find it hilarious when I explain that I’m actually straight and people answer with “no, she really IS a lesbian, she just doesn’t know it yet” (I’m pretty young so that… Read more »
Valter,
Thanks. I’m really am going to start answering: “If I say ‘yes’, are you going to start picturing me with other men? No? Then why are you asking?”
@Kenny: “I’m really am going to start answering: …”
You might even reply “Are you so much interested in my ‘gayness’ because you’re willing to date me?!?”.
That should shut up most of them! 😆
Jeanette, that last part is hysterical. I having a running joke with a friend of mine with whom I occasionally disagree with when it comes to which movies we like. She’ll say “I LOVED that film.” I’ll answer “No, you didn’t.”
Drives her crazy…so, of course, I keep doing it.
Thank you Kenny, brilliant post; smart, funny, and with the right amount of edge.
Me, too, I have been considered somehow “gayish” for a long time: apparently, being intelligent, articulate, sensitive and sweet are no men’s qualities. 🙄
What can you do, some people are just too limited to grasp the complexity of a human being.
The “none of your business” part is just perfect, though.
I’m ashamed to say I’ve been on the giving end of this as well as receiving in the past (not so much gaybashing as assuming camp men are gay).
This is an excellent post, well done.
It takes a certain kind of person to admit when their wrong…umm…by any chance are you….? 🙂
Thanks!
UGGGH, this became an issue again for me yesterday. I had this boy from high school message me out of the blue 5 years later asking me out on a date. I politely declined telling him I was straight, and he insisted I was gay. I have been assumed to be gay since the age of 3, and it doesn’t matter what happens, everyone assumes that to be the case. Androgynous looks, an obsession with dressing impeccably, and rather effeminate mannerisms means the entire world believes I’m gay. From “friends” trying to set me up with men, to my boss… Read more »
Wow. The guy called you to ask you out, and then tried convince you you’re gay? What what he expecting – for you to change your mind on the phone and say: “On second thought, you’re right! Thanks to you, I now realize I prefer men! Thanks, dude!.”
People are weird.
@Collin: “I politely declined telling him I was straight, and he insisted I was gay.”
Well, he must have known you better than yourself, isn’t it? 😆
Smile and shrug, Collin, morons are everywhere… 🙄
Regarding your issues with women, when I was young I was in a similar situation (I was always “the friend” and never the love interest), but it changed eventually (I had to develop my male side, though).
Hold on, it gets better with time.
It gets better with time is a really shitty thing to hear all the time. At 23, I am, quite frankly, sick and tired of waiting for it to get better with time. Am I forced to suffer in misery through the prime years of my life and then suddenly expected to be pleased when women get bored and finally deem me worthy? I’m going to end up wealthy and powerful, and I’m going to date nothing but young 20 year old girls and all the women my age are going to complain about me dating younger women. I will… Read more »
Collin, I didn’t mean to piss you off with my platitude, sorry. I was just trying to give you some hope. BTW, at 23 you’re STILL very young. While suffering sucks at any age, complaining that you still don’t get laid at 23, sounds a bit like entitlement to me: the world owes you nothing; if you want something, work hard to deserve it. Having said that, and aware I’m at risk to piss you off even more, I’d add some suggestion: 1) Whining is NEVER sexy. If you want to become attractive, STOP whining. With people, your attitude is… Read more »
When you’re of the, perhaps, 2% of the population by the age of 23 not getting laid I don’t think it is entitlement. I do thank you for your incredibly helpful advice. Bitterness and resentment happen when you’ve been rejected nearly 100 times without anyone giving you the light of day. I have solicited the advice of dozens of people and no one can actually understand what exactly is going wrong. “You’re just really unlucky, keep trying, I guess,” seems to be the only advice people can muster. I only let my frustration out on the internet because, as you… Read more »
@Collin: “… without anyone giving you the light of day”
But when someone offer you some insight, you’re not the least interested.
You only want to whine and blame.
@Collin: “… seems to be the only advice people can muster”
My “advice” were of different kind, but your reaction speaks volumes.
@Collin: “In other words, go F*** yourself.”
Thank you. This pretty much explains your “success” with people. 🙄
So, you like to play the “victim”.
Please yourself and farewell.
Sorry for not making a habit of thanking others for making personal attacks against me.
@Collin I feel your pain man, it is difficult to find relationships when you have a some aspect of your image that can cause people to make assumptions that are manifestly untrue. When I was 23 I was in a similar situation, though in my case it was being fat (I have been somewhere 300lbs since my late teens) and a nerdy kid that didn’t have too many friends outside of a few highschool friends that shared my interests. Because of that I had a lot of the anger issues and problems with talking let alone asking women out, and… Read more »
@ Collin “I get hit on by men all the time, but I can’t get a woman to even smile or say hi.” Dude, I’m surprised. A couple friends and I were at this party and none of the women were paying us many attention. One guy said we might as well be gay. So as a lark, we pretended to be gay. The women started coming up to us. It was the weirdest thing. We just assumed that felt safer with gay guys. I look back 20 years later and wonder if it was that fact that we were… Read more »
I grew up around ballet dancers…some of them were boys, of course, …and they were some of the most talented people I have ever met…and some of the nicest…and, yes, it’s terrible that they got the gay teasing…it’s so asinine…
To all the idiots who ever called my friends “gay’, you were a bunch of jealous dummies….because all the girls thought they were incredibly handsome….in fact, my BFF went out with one of the cutest….what a sweetheart he was! (I think sometimes I liked him better than my BFF!)…
Ballet dancing…ice skating….those are ways to get the girls!
Ha! That’s what I always told my friends:
“Why do you skate?” they’d ask.
“Because the ration of girls to boys is 24:1.”
Also, it’s not only a matter of wondering whether someone is gay, it is the fact people need to defend their sexuality (still!) as though there were a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ state of being.
Haven’t you just tried not being heterosexual?
(Tongue firmly planted in cheek.)
🙂
Excellent. I agree with you completely. Stupid assumptions about others are based upon stupid stereotypes. Just to give you an example from my personal experience: When I was about 15 years old, my parents decided I needed to see a clinical psychologist because I was being picked on at school and my grades had fallen. The psychologist whom they chose (who, unfortunately, turned out to be abysmally incompetent) sent me to a judo instructor, a white man who had played football at one of the local universities and was afflicted with the social views and attitudes of machismo. A bad… Read more »
The point I failed to make in my post above regarding the stupid jerk’s claim of saving me from homosexuality is that I never had homosexual tendencies. He stereotyped me because at the time I was slightly built, had no self-confidence and no interest in sports (and today, by the way, I”m still not a sports fan), and was being bullied at school. So, I had to be gay, right?
Unbelievable.
If “doing this thing will keep you from being gay” is true, shouldn’t the counter argument also be true? i.e. forcing someone to figure skate should turn them into a homosexual, right?
I hope to find a way to return to this earth a few centuries from now and see if the macho men get it yet.
BTW, the part about the judoku disparaging Sakharov is hysterical. You can;t make stuff like that up. (If you did, don’t admit it; it’s still funny.)
Thanks for reading.
You’re welcome! How could anyone disparage figure skating? Granted, I know nothing about skating from my own experience; but it seems to me that it’s not easy to learn. Regarding my former judo instructor from decades ago, I swear I’m not making this up. He really did disparage Sakharov, as well as say all the other kooky things that I mentioned. He also had no moral objection to bullying. As a matter of fact, he didn’t seem to have any moral objection to anything. In fact, he’s the coldest guy I’ve ever met. I have to point out that there… Read more »