Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, but there’s one tiny problem. I’ve been lying about my age. While I just turned 18 and he is 20, we started dating when I was only 17. I didn’t want to tell him but now I feel like I should come clean. Any advice?
Answer: There are certainly things we are going to withhold on a first date wanting to make a good impression, not wanting to dump our dirty laundry on someone. That’s normal. It takes time to build trust so you know somebody will take precious care of your secrets or wobbly parts. Vulnerability is earned.
And there are other things we withhold because of shame, guilt or fear that they will reject us that as you’ve indicated, make you want to come clean.
Let me ask you love, why didn’t you tell him in the first place?
Was it because you were under age for a sexual relationship? Was it that you just wanted to be older so that he would like you? I’m curious.
Foundations are everything. So having important conversations upfront about having multiple sexual partners while dating or being exclusive, that’s a fundamental conversation. Conversations about money or how you will handle conflict, also very important.
Yet in the same breath, none of us are perfect. Relationships are meant to be the fertile ground for growth, evolution and deepening of intimacy overtime. We can learn to honor where we’ve made a mistake, not blame anyone, clean it up, evolve and grow, and make up for the damage done.
Since the HOW to have these difficult conversations is a common question I receive, I wrote about it in my latest book. I recommend you speak to your boyfriend about this in what I call a ‘sandwich’ (see video for example).
There’s also a powerful communication practice called the Dyad that would create not just a foundation for the two of you to be completely heard and acknowledged without judgment, it could be a great place to make up for the damage done of having lied in the past. Given like attracts like, it’s possible he may have withheld information as well and this could be a safe structure for you both to come clean and grow closer.
The structure of those Dyads and more information about sandwiches and other healthy communication tools that can turn conflict into connection, can be found in my 4th book called 7 Steps to Manifest Your Beloved While Staying True To Yourself.
I invite you to download Chapter one to review as my complementary gift to you by going to www.allanapratt.com/7steps.
I really acknowledge you for your desire to come clean. Very impressive. It’s so much easier to just hide or numb out.
The skills you will learn in my book about cleaning this up affectively, will serve you for the rest of your life not just with your boyfriend but with all people. And they will also help you tell the truth to yourself, live in alignment with your values and be in integrity with your heart and soul.
Good stuff with which to build a successful long term love life. Congratulations 🙂
Humongous love, Allana XOX