Jackson Bliss thought that marriage would be the death of his masculinity. Then he realized that it helped him become a stronger, more courageous and more complete human being.
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After LB and I became serious, I routinely ignored her hints about getting married, flicking them off my sleeves like breadcrumbs. Usually, I’d change the subject. Or I’d give her a long hug and tell her I loved her. Besides, she was a decorated marriage veteran, wearing an invisible Purple Heart for her battle wounds from her first marriage (dude cheated on her). Just as importantly, I was an adamant critic of the institution of marriage at the time. At any given instant, I could spew a furious and multiplying list of reasons on why the institution of marriage was irrevocably fucked up. The list was always in flux, but the basic arguments went something like this:
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- DOMA is profoundly discriminatory and same-sex couples should be able to marry whoever the fuck they want
- Historically, marriage was an act of tribal consolidation and economic protectionism, connected to property rights and the ownership of female bodies
- Radical social conservatives have been using straight marriage to rally single-issue voters for so long now that it’s become an act of cultural chauvinism, a political gesture of hypocrisy and a tool of oppression to deny legal and proprietary rights to gay couples. Therefore, every new straight marriage reinforces a complicit and codified discrimination against non-straight couples
***
My personal arguments were much simpler:
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- I don’t want to doom our relationship by following impossible expectations
- Marriage always turns into friendship with diminishing bennies. Why complicate something so simple as love?
- Marriage is slow-motion castration. Why sublimate my sexuality for a daydream?
- Marriage kills the romance and the sexual chemistry of a good relationship. Why ruin a good thing for an impossible ideal?
- Marriage is a baby boomer obsession. Gen X and Gen Y don’t have the same hang-ups. We can get down or disengage whenever we want
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I had this epiphany: I don’t have to get married for all the reasons I abhor marriage, I can get married for all the things that make marriage beautiful. For my very own reasons.
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In some cases, these arguments are still valid. But something changed inside me three years ago. I was driving through K-town with a friend when I had this epiphany: I don’t have to get married for all the fucked-up reasons I abhor marriage, I can get married for all the things that make marriage beautiful. For my very own reasons. It seems so obvious now, but it wasn’t so obvious inside my head. Once I returned to our Hollywood apartment, I opened the front door, ran to LB, gave her a huge hug and said: —I think we should get married, boo! LB told me not to joke around with marriage. She said she’d wanted us to marry me for so long now that she’d given up hope. She said Latinas don’t play with marriage, so if I valued my life at all I’d stop joking around. I laughed and told her I meant every word. I told her I wanted to be with her forever and that it was only now that I understood the way couples could shape marriage into their own creation, a collective Galatea project of passionate love, bedrock friendship and dynamic and continuous personal growth.
When we’d finally opened ourselves to that bold gesture of togetherness, we both cried like in telenovelas. A month later, we drove to the Beverly Hills courthouse and got married with tears streaming down our faces again. The sweet judge who married us that day said she could see how much we loved each other. She said in so many words that our vows were redundant. Afterwards, we called our shocked parents to let them know the impossible had happened. We went to Urth Café in West Hollywood with some friends and ate vegan chocolate cake. Two days later, we flew to Tokyo for our honeymoon and visited as many Shinto shrines and Buddhist temples as possible. We wanted to thank our ancestors and the Buddha for bringing us together.
♦◊♦
There are plenty of legit reasons not to get married. And clearly, marriage isn’t right for everyone (whatever their sexual orientation). It wasn’t even right for me until one mysterious day in 2010. But after being together for over seven years and married for almost four, I realize that marriage can be an intensely personal and intensely beautiful daydream that you share with the most important person in your life. Sometimes, you wake up from that co-created dream, other times you’re gone forever. And that’s okay, because part of marriage is pure raw intention.
But marriage is not the death of your masculinity or the death of your sex life.
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But marriage is not the death of your masculinity or the death of your sex life. For too long now, male bachelorhood has had complete jurisdiction over the operative definition of masculinity. For too long, we’ve defined straight masculinity through the trope of the skirt-chaser and non-straight masculinity through the cruiser, as if only hunters were real men. The sexually dominant single male bachelor who rode a motorcycle, forgot to shave and didn’t call back the next day was always the real man, not the happily-married guy holding his wife’s (or husband’s) hand in the hospital, not the faithful husband resisting advances in a bar or making quiche out of the blue, and not the dedicated father who reads J.K. Rowling books to his kids and kisses his partner’s head as s/he sleeps. For whatever reason, we treat husbands and dads like they’re anti-sex symbols, part of the inevitable emasculation and degeneration process that begins in the chapel of love and ends in the nursing home. From Chris Rock’s hilarious cock in a jar theory to Milan Kundera’s degrading depiction of married couples as sexless, silent and boring extras in a movie of exciting bachelor protagonists, from big pimping motifs in hip-hop music to outdated biological narratives of male germination, and everywhere in the silver screen, marriage is depicted as the death of masculinity, the death of male identity and the death of male sexuality. Here’s the thing—and I say this in the sweetest way I know how—that depiction is complete bullshit.
In a way, there’s nothing more “gangster” (and I mean this in the most evolved sense possible) in the whole world than a man abandoning the trite gender clichés of the male hustler and exposing himself, devoting himself, to love and its emotional turbulence. In a way, there’s nothing more gangster than being real, complex and vulnerable: your imperfections, contradictions and hang-ups flashing in your partner’s face every day of your life like a strobe. In a way, there’s nothing more gangster than true intimacy: learning to understand, intuit, respect and celebrate your partner’s sexuality and sexual desire (and of course, being able to make love whenever both of you want). There’s nothing more gangster than monogamy: learning to stop using new sexual partners as an escape from the work you’ve got to do in the relationship you’re already in. There’s nothing more gangster than being with someone for such a long time in such an intense way that it forces you to confront your own bullshit. There’s nothing more gangster than learning to advocate, listen, and negotiate with your (life) partner. And of course, there’s nothing more gangster than not having to be a gangster at all: to learn how to undress your own gender stereotypes (especially those that glorify violence, promiscuity and lack of empathy) and rewrite those identities into empowering counterexamples of dynamic manhood. The evolved gangster, as I like to call it, never uses violence to resolve crisis. He never tries to escape his reality, never loses his ability to empathize, compromise and communicate with his partner. He never stops trying to become a better person and a more complete human being. He never stops caring for people or animals, he strives for self-awareness and has a healthy relationship with himself. Above all else, he never disses the redemptive power of love because his marriage is the very embodiment of it.
♦◊♦
Of course, all the great things that happen in dynamic marriages can also happen (and do happen) in dynamic relationships without the marriage vows. That’s obvious. But in some mystical way, marriage feels different to me. It’s a sort of beautiful weight that prevents me from floating up into the nebulous sky like a weather balloon (and ultimately, crashing back down to earth). It’s the awareness that my decisions will always have consequences for the person I love. It’s the sacred knowledge that she’ll always be there for me and I’ll always be there for her, even if the world collapses into chaos, global amnesia infects the planet and the streets burst into apocalyptic flames. For me, marriage is a tiny promise I’ve made to my self, to my wife, and to the universe, to be better than I actually am. When you break it all down, there’s nothing more gangster in the whole world than loving someone so much it actually engulfs you in sadness because you know there will never be enough time to express every majestic thing you feel for her when she looks at you with the sunlight in her eyes.
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Other articles by Jackson Bliss:
Ballers of the Heart: The Importance of Male Self-Love
5 Mistakes Men Make in Relationships
A Scarcity of Affection among Men
The Dream of an Inclusive Masculinity
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image credit: Flickr/Wineblat Eugene – Portraits / Creative commons
Signing up for marriage is GANGSTER? lmao. Yeah, like those white guys from suburbia cranking Cypess Hill from their moms minivan.
It’s interesting that we have a stereotype that men want to avoid marriage when married men seem to be healthier and happier than single guys, and are quicker than women to get into a new relationship after a failed one.
WRONG!
Single men are just as well adjusted and happy as married men.
WRONG!
Research shows married men live longer, healthier and usually enter a new relationship again much faster.
Join the discussion
WRONG! Research shows that single men live just as long and in many cases are happier then married men. The same study also stated that single women have better health than married women!
So much awwwwww for this piece 😀
If it’s so wonderful, then why every stop at just one? Marriage is so cool and so awesome that each person should try it as many times as possible. Try 2, 3, 4 spouses at a time.
If your spouse can get some more as well, I see no problem.
Agreed.
Ah, marriage may be gangster, but is it “gangsta”?
I’m just an uptight a cultural dinosaur. When did “gangster” become a good thing? It’s bad enough that “pimp” is now a positive expression. I’m waiting to see the article titled “To Be a Husband Is to Be a Pimp.” Great, just great….
I might consider a mail order bride type thing, but probably wouldn’t marry a woman from the U.S. The biggest issue is that I’d have to put up with someone else and they’d have to put up with me. I can see the first one happening, but not the second. I also need significant amounts of alone time, which I imagine is counter marriage.
American males considering normal to buy women. To buy people, people to live with them and serve them, people that could care less about them. I do not know if I laugh or feel ashamed for humanity, maybe I’ll go with both. America was supposed to be a first world Country, but it seems that, socioculturally, it is a sad place. These males also still believe American women is the issue, though. Yes, all of them (if I remember well, almost 160 million?), men there are saints and victims, that is all. Hysterical and embarrassing. Males there think of women… Read more »
@ José K. Why do you think getting a mail order bride is the same as buying a woman. Granted she’s probably a little less picky when it comes to choosing whom to marry, but I don’t think that they’re totally without standards. I know a 26 year old Filipina who wasn’t interested in a 46 year old American man because he was fat and bald. I know several men who’ve married women from other countries and guess what. They’re some of the happiest couples I’ve seen. The way these guys talk about their wives. You can tell they adore… Read more »
Because no foreign woman in their right minds would ever choose a fucking American dude, dude. You guys are the absolute worst of the civilized world, both physical and mentally. Look at yourself, do I have to say more?
These women only do that because they are looking for money/a better life.
And you see, all those women are housemaids these men pay for, nothing more than that. Housemaids they also use for sex. You just admitted so and still see nothing wrong with that… gross.
Love, Love, Love this article! Not only because you clearly outline that forever is NOT for everyone, but also for the fact that you show how much work a marriage really is.
“there’s nothing more “gangster” (and I mean this in the most evolved sense possible)”….
Nope. Were you seriously not capable of finding a more accurate word? Did the editors put you up to this? The only justifiable reason to use a word like this to mean “cool” is if a better one literally doesn’t exist. It’s…it’s hella lazy dude.
Katherine, I don’t know what I have a bigger issue with, the sententious tone with which you wrote that comment, or the assumption that I’m either not smart enough or original enough to reattribute this word in a current idiomatic expression for a different purpose in my article. But for the record, the term “gangster” has become synonymous in our culture with both “thuggish, strong, attractive, cool, tough, badass, dangerous, sexy, homicidal + powerful.” I didn’t invent that word + I certainly didn’t force it into the vernacular of 20 and 30-somethings. But that word is there, it has all… Read more »
Gangsters are criminals. Do you want men to evolve? Stop calling yourselves criminals as if it was a good thing.
I really enjoy the points made about the failures of marriage. I’m not sure why society is so afraid of a marriage that fails. It’s certainly possible, and my wife and I have discussed this at various points in our relationship, but that doesn’t mean we should be avoiding it. We know that failures can make us better as people. I’ve seen every failed relationship as an opportunity to improve myself which has culminated in the marriage I’m living in today. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. We’re being very careful to wait a couple years before… Read more »
The death of sex life? So you’re already living in sin? Is yours a mixed marriage too? 3 years later – you still together? Marriage sucks.
This worship of marriage by progressives is at best disturbing. At worst it’s a terrible support of the primary pillar of the patriarchy. Franklin your comment is right on the money. I hope people are paying attention.
This essay is much more objective, nuanced + fair than that. It does not workshop marriage (sorry, that’s an absurd overstatement), it enunciates some of the redeeming aspects of a healthy marriage, expands the definition of masculinity to include the father and the husband + also simultaneously revinvents + defies the gangster stereotype. At the same time, my piece concedes a number of problems with marriage, both historical, cultural, institutional + even political issues with the institution (which includes an obvious referent to patriarchy), so worship is an absurd characterization (because that connotes a delusional, one-sided, uncritical perspective). Additionally, I… Read more »
marriage is the primary pillar of patriarchy??? who’s going to tell my young niece who dreams about her wedding day???
As for marriage being a tool of the patriarchy:
Marriage takes many different forms in many different societies. It is not inherently, always patriarchal. When and if you find some good historical or anthropological evidence for non-patriarchal societies, you’ll see they have forms of marriage as well. Patriarchal forms of marriage are just one kind.
It’s awesome that you were able to move past your old stereotypes and preconceptions about marriage and move to a place where you entertain new ideas about it. Unfortunately, it seems that you have substituted another set of stereotypes and preconceptions about marriage for the ones you used to have. For example, you wrote “In a way, there’s nothing more “gangster” (and I mean this in the most evolved sense possible) in the whole world than a man abandoning the trite gender clichés of the male hustler and exposing himself, devoting himself, to love and its emotional turbulence.” Unfortunately, you… Read more »
Dear Franklin, Thanks for reading my piece. I appreciate that. On to your comments: First off, I haven’t substituted any stereotypes for marriage, unless of your course you think that monogamy is a marriage stereotype (it’s not, it’s a personal choice that happens to characterize the vast majority of married couples) or unless you think that positing a few ways in which marriage can be awesome + beautiful somehow qualifies as an idealization of marriage (which still wouldn’t be a stereotype, by the way). But in case it’s not clear, my essay does not idealize marriage. It concedes a number… Read more »
Is it possible that maybe you communicated all of that poorly the first time, then? Could you maybe take responsibility for that instead of being so defensive? That might be gangster.
Mr Bliss, I truly wish you all the bliss in your relationship endeavor Sir, I am not anti-relationships as much I am anti- common law & marriage including any relationship that is government involved, that forces either adult parties to follow specific criteria based on outsiders ( religion – ideological demagogues – government decisions, ..etc) views period, human relationships are evolutionary natural invention based on our needs according to time , place & Era, therefore we are seeing ever increasing number of different kinds of relationships evolving nowadays since marriage as we know it is not as attractive option for… Read more »
Mr Bliss, By the way it’s not the idea of commitment that is I am avoiding or dreading , heck I am in a committed relationship for years now in which not only do we have separate places, the term common law is not something either of us defines it as, both of us had children, Ex’s ..etc, but we have separate residences, accounts, friends, …etc. we do care about each other enough to set the other person free from coercion & unnecessary commitments if & so the other person wants to move on, it requires emotional maturity but it… Read more »
Hi Franklin
You write:
✺ “investing in two (or more!)
long-term, stable romantic relationships requires nothing short of an awe-inspiring amount of
investment in relationships.”✺
May I ask you a question. How long do the poly relationships lasts? Are 50% lifelong relationships ?
I ask because I know nothing about it,and have never meet anyone living in committed long term relationships with several partners .
I am incapable of loving like that. What has enabled you to do so? I fictionalize my life experiences to try and make it work, at least in my head and on paper.
Virginia, Thanks for your honesty. To be honest (+ as I mentioned briefly in my essay), for most of my life, I wasn’t ready for it either. I tell LB (my wife) all the time that if I’d met her earlier on in life, it would never have worked between us. I wasn’t emotionally mature enough, I was way too interested in making out with too many girls, I had a hard time committing, I hated the idea of marriage, I was way too narcissistic . . . the list actually goes on + on. I’m not saying this to… Read more »
Can we please stop using “gangsta” as a compliment? Real gangsters kill, rob and degrade innocent people in order to gain easy wealth for themselves. It’s not something I aspire to.
Apologies for not commenting on the substance of the article…
Nic, That’s partially true, which is why my essay revises/redefines the term gangster, introduces the concept of the evolved gangster (because the classic gangster would almost never subscribe to the belief system I outlined here) + also why my piece gives space to both undress, appropriate, reinvent + recreate this term +/or reject the gangster as a trope of masculinity altogether. It’s pretty clear in this sentence: “And of course, there’s nothing more gangster than not having to be a gangster at all: to learn how to undress your own gender stereotypes (especially those that glorify violence, promiscuity and lack… Read more »
Also, just because other people inappropriately appropriate (lol) racial terminology doesn’t mean it’s okay. lots of people do lots of stuff. You need to take a black studies class.
Right, because if I took a black studies class, I wouldn’t write this essay. That’s absurd. Look, I’m from Chicago, which is where the term gangster comes from. If I’m appropriating the term gangster, then I’m appropriating an appropriation. Second, just because some people use the term as a form of racialization doesn’t mean no one is allowed to use it anymore. It certainly doesn’t mean that only people of color can use gangster considering that the term has been used to describe both white, black, Latino + Asian gangsters. And what about the Yakuza? I’m part Japanese + my… Read more »
Well said.
I felt the same way when I read this article! Great insights but puhleeeease dont use ganagsta. It sounds like my jr hi son!
Marriage doesn’t always work out this way for many of us, but that doesn’t change the fact that it could be improved if more had this ‘make it what you want it to be’ approach.
Love. This. Post.
Isn’t the devil in the details that there are two people who are supposed to “make it what you want it to be”? And what they want is liable to change over time?
Not that there isn’t room for improvement in marriage. No where to go but up, in fact.
Good Luck, Yes, of course. But the point here is that instead of being subjected to a marriage template or trying to follow some culture code about what a marriage is supposed to look like, couples need to make marriage their own personal, cocreated thing. I think that’s really important. And yes, people change over time, that doesn’t have to be a problem, especially if people can celebrate each other for who they are instead of who they think they should be. And if the two spouses transform into people who become incompatible (which, very likely they always were, but… Read more »
So glad. I appreciate that.
Peace, Blessings,
-j1b
Marriage, dress it up as a wholesome, healthy, positive, cool, gangster like & long lasting affair all you want to Sir, for the average guy it’s a sham & a raw deal that more & more of us men are finding to be a very negative experience on average, the stats proves that fact & the numbers of males avoiding it is increasing year after year, traditionalist can claim ,men are refusing to man up & grow up all the want to, it’s simply cost versus benefit & more of us are noticing that fact.
You don’t have to buy it. As I said explicitly, marriage isn’t right for everyone + it may not work out either. I think the first part of my essay makes it pretty clear that there are more than a few legit reasons not to ever get hitched, but to pretend that anyone who gets married or who is happily married is deluded, that position is a little dogmatic for my tastes. I also agree with you that statistically, the divorce rate is staggering. But for some people, marriage can be a beautiful, amazing thing, what exactly is your objection… Read more »
“…to pretend that anyone who gets married or who is happily married is deluded, that position is a little dogmatic for my tastes.”
Yes, sir. Happy marriages exist. Studying why and sharing how is a benefit to us all.
Gint,
Totally agree.
Peace,
-j1b
Happy to have you aboard, ace.
I second that!
@ not buying it,
Agree 100%. The majority of men who get married are scared for life in one fashion or another. I think it only works for SOME men.
Probably my favorite article from GMP so far. I think a lot of people share your beliefs–that marriage is a powerful catalyst for learning virtues such as true love and acceptance, that it gives weight to your decisions, that you will have someone there for you through thick and thin, etc. But, I think, for a lot of people who love the idea of marriage, and share all of these beliefs with you, the thing standing between them and marriage is fear. Not fear of having to give up other sexual partners, or fear of having to have all of… Read more »
JB I appreciate your honesty + know exactly how you feel. I felt similarly, to be honest before I got married to. Here’s my take on both marriage + love, for what’s it worth: It really doesn’t matter if things don’t work out, that’s actually okay. That doesn’t make them any less valuable to you. Maye a short relationship teaches you something crucial about yourself, maybe a short marriage teaches you how to love other people. But just because things end doesn’t mean they’re not worth trying. I mean, all of us will end someday too but our lives are… Read more »