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If chivalry is dead, it wasn’t the feminists who killed it. Yes, women’s rights have changed a lot of things in society. It threw out outdated ideas like viewing women as possessions, preventing women from voting or owning property, dictating our reproductive options, and banning women from the workforce. It gave us birth control and the ability to dictate our future as much as any man. But it seems like wanting basic human rights made the patriarchy want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, which is where we see the death of chivalry.
I sometimes think that the women’s movement is just a convenient excuse for some men not to be courteous. The men who seem to call into question who should pay and who should open the door for whom seem to be the ones who still advocate for outdated gender roles. They seem to be looking for a reason to abandon the parts of dating they don’t prefer, under the guise of being a sensitive, evolved man.
But opening doors isn’t some sort of obligation or even a presumption that women aren’t capable of opening them. It’s simply a courtesy. I feel like whoever gets to a door first should extend the courtesy of opening it for the people behind them, even outside of dating. Instead of quibbling about who should open the door, just open the damn door as a courtesy. It’s simply polite, and I, like many women, appreciate good manners. It shows that a man (or woman, even) is considerate.
Chauvinism seems to have taken on a new form these days. I once got to the door before a male colleague one morning when I was heading into the office where I worked. I opened the door, as I do because I have excellent manners. He wrestled the door from my grip and refused to enter as long as I was holding it. He would simply not enter a building with a woman holding the door. We stood there, my grip on the door equally as firm as his own in this battle of wills. Finally, in an exasperated huff, I decided to be the more evolved individual and stepped through the door so I wouldn’t be late for work.
His refusal to enter simply because a woman opened the door was chauvinism at its finest. I had been polite, and he could not accept that courtesy because of an outdated sense of men’s roles. Had he arrived at the door first, I would have happily walked through it with a smile and simple thank you.
While it may seem comical to picture two business people fighting over control of the door, it is a clear illustration of what it can be like to be an evolved individual in a world still clinging to an antiquated value system. It wasn’t a feminist issue until he refused to enter. Could I have let go of the door and made it a non-issue? Most certainly! But I believe that problematic behaviors should be confronted.
In my experience, most men are well-meaning, and they don’t understand why certain behaviors could be offensive. I’ve explained misogyny and rape culture to men (and even women) with good intentions more times than I can count. While it’s certainly not my job to educate the masses, I have no problem taking a minute or two to kindly explain my perspective.
We don’t need to over-think this. It’s not outdated to open the door, presuming it doesn’t become a battle of wills to get through the door once it’s held open by either party. Open the car door, too. Pull out a chair. Being courteous isn’t seen as an affront to a strong, independent woman. It’s viewed as a consideration. If it makes us uncomfortable, we can communicate that, and evolved men and women should be mature enough to take our feelings into consideration once we’ve voiced them or shown our discomfort in other ways.
Chivalry certainly wasn’t killed by the women’s movement. We wanted equality and access to the same privileges granted to men simply by virtue of their gender. We still advocate for reproductive rights and the right to be in this world without being harassed or assaulted. This doesn’t mean we don’t want to be treated with common courtesy. Just open the damn door.
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This post was originally published on medium.com, and is republished here with the author’s permission.
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Photo credit: Getty Images