You can’t love others unless you love yourself …but don’t love yourself too much.
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Previously, I wrote about the perils of dating apps being used as therapy aides after a break-up. In the words of one of my readers who commented on The Good Men Project facebook page-
“Online Dating: the first 48 hours after a breakup”.
The point being – It’s actually quite OK to be single. BUT, there is a flip side to this.
Some of us have been single for that long that we don’t know how NOT TO BE single. That is, being in a healthy intimate relationship with someone other than ourselves.
We all have friends who sit in the camp of the ‘long term single’ or even ‘veteran single’. Some of our friends do go out there looking for someone lovely, and we remain hopeful for them. Then there are friends, who may prefer to find some company, one day, but are equally prepared to be single – and they are…for a long time. Out of the friends that sit in this category, many are almost completely indifferent to whether or not they find a partner. It makes some of us envious, and others frustrated to the point that we feel like we need to stage some form of intervention. We almost become evangelical about it. We are happy in our relationships and want them to be as happy as we are. We may in the process miss the fact that the single folk amongst our friends may well love their single-dom:
“It’s liberating, there’s no pressure and I have loads of fun while achieving all my dreams.”
While there are some who completely thrive through a good part of their life this way, many of the serial daters amongst your single friends will reveal that being actively single (participating in the dating game), can actually be exhausting, incredibly destructive and can actually leave us feeling a little bit too lonely, taking us beyond our comfort zone. It can even render a gap that can’t simply be filled with another date.
At what point can we over-subscribe to being single, and is there even such a thing as being single for too long?
“It’s just better this way.”
Relationship counsellors often encourage people to be patient, and not dive head first into the next potential connection. They also warn off the problems that can come with being perpetually single.
There is the risk of over-developing “me, myself and I” preferences and attitudes that dominate over our willingness to compromise. This often occurs in the absence of any other real, ongoing and functioning intimate relationship in our lives.
There is the risk of over-developing “me, myself and I” preferences and attitudes that dominate over our willingness to compromise. This often occurs in the absence of any other real, ongoing and functioning intimate relationship in our lives.
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For all the relationships that lead to heart break, there are also those that teach us to think outside of ourselves and put someone else first. While having close friends, family and community members certainly teaches us this throughout our lives, an intimate partner with whom we share life, gifts us with the ability to truly be selfless. This happens in a way that some of us have only appreciated through that intimate connection.
The other aspect that some of us see in the relationships evolving around us, is the individual growth that comes from having an ‘other’ who inspires, encourages and brings out the best in us. Relationships, and certainly on many levels – not just the intimate ones, do bring with them a transformative power beyond our individual imagination. We know this, because we are often not the same people we were when we began a journey with another.
Yes, positive self transformation and mutual growth is the idyllic version of life beyond being single. Many of us are aware of this version of relationships, and therefore would prefer wait for the “right person”.
Waiting for Mrs/Mr. Right.
By all means, we should wait till we find the right person – emphasis on the word person: not idea, fantasy, but person and with ‘a person’ comes imperfection.
In waiting, we should remember that when said person arrives, they’re going to arrive from their own journey. Her/his needs, desires, autonomy, health, independence, strength, power…rights, will be just as important as yours. His/her imperfections will be just as real as yours. Her/his vulnerabilities render them just as fragile as you. To think otherwise, is deluded.
For as long as I can remember I have had a crush on the actress Eva Green (alongside a large proportion of the human race I am tipping). I would like to think it is the calibre of Eva’s theatrical performances and her charm (as demonstrated through her interviews) that has made me fall for the tall, intense and charming brunette. But, If Eva Green ever showed up to order a latte at my local cafe and sat down across the table from me, I would likely struggle. Further, she would struggle – to match my idolization of her. She is after all, a girl with her own challenges, imperfections and circumstances.
In our idolizing of people, subscribing to ‘types’, waiting for “the one” – some of us have developed such a clear vision of who we are looking for; so much so that ‘who’ has almost become a ‘what’, and this sits comfortably on a pedestal in our minds.
People who we come across can rarely (if ever), meet our own internal expectations. So, even if we are swept away by someone, the pressure for them to meet this lifelong held expectation, is nothing short of impossible. The distance to the ground from the height of the pedestal, is a very long way.
As single people we find plenty of reasons to tell ourselves to remain as such – happily single. But it’s important for every one of us to remember, you and I, we are not islands, and no one is going to live up to expectations of perfection.
It’s vitally important to accept when you are hurting and to take the time out to heal. However, it is also important to remember that you don’t have to be on your own in this challenging world, where isolation can come only too easily, without even trying.
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Photo: Courtesy of the Author
So, what happens if we have been someone special/the one or whatever you want to call it, and they are takin.. as in married?
Actually no perfect being in the world. we should learn to accept and tolerate one another.