“I’m not really looking for a boyfriend right now”.
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Oftentimes, the dating game can be a cruel and unforgiving beast.
It is a trial by fire through which all of us have, at some point, reluctantly trudged on the way to (hopefully) a life full of happiness beside the person with whom we’re meant to be.
I’ve had to deal with my fair share of excuses as to why a girl didn’t want to date me.
After repeatedly hearing the same reasons, I’d like to share the top three I’ve encountered along the way, with my interpretation of what they truly mean.
“I’m focusing on [insert time-consuming, important life initiative].”
My Interpretation: “There’s something in my life right now that’s important to my development and future, and I prefer to focus on it more than I want to focus on you.”
School, professional career, family — it could be a lot of things. The fact of the matter, though, is that there’s always SOMETHING important and fundamental to our development at any given point in our lives.
If someone has a professional job, she can claim her current priority to be advancing her career. If someone is in school, she can say passing classes is consuming all the time she has. There’s always something to which a person can point.
But, what that person is doing, in my opinion, is providing a convenient excuse that not only provides an easy out, but also uses an item on which every person would agree is super important. As in, a suitor would come across as super inconsiderate if he didn’t claim to understand.
The truth is, nobody can help focusing on someone in whom he’s interested. It’s human nature.
While there are careers and aspirations to absorb our time, someone who is truly into you will find a way to focus on you, as well, and not employ easy outs, like this one.
“I’m just so busy.”
My Interpretation: “I’ll find something to occupy my time that isn’t you, whenever you want to hang out.”
Busy with what? Trying to binge-watch the entire “Breaking Bad” series? Taking two-hour naps? Watching endless YouTube videos while wasting time chatting with your friends on Facebook about how weird this guy is for being interested in you?
Honestly, I guess it kind of depends on whether or not she immediately asks to change the time and/or date. (If that’s the case, maybe give her another shot… but not too many more if this keeps happening.) And, yes, I do understand there are legitimate things that take up a person’s time.
But, if you think about it, even people like the President of the United States can find time to take his wife out on dates. And, last I checked, that’s a pretty demanding job that takes up a ton of time.
Ask yourself, are you a busy person? There are probably a ton of things that take up your time. But, I’m sure you’d be able to find a way to accommodate someone in whom you’re legitimately interested.
There are 24 hours in a day and nobody is completely devoting all of her attention to something during all 24 of those hours. There’s always some free time to be had, and if the person in whom you are interested feels the same way, she would most definitely use some or a lot of that time on you.
“I’m not really looking for a boyfriend right now.”
My Interpretation: “I’m not looking for you, specifically, to be my boyfriend right now (or probably ever).”
Not looking for a boyfriend, eh? You must have been blessed with a special genetic superpower that allows you to completely turn off basic biological instincts. Bravo.
Guys, ask yourselves, could you legitimately and actively choose to not be attracted to someone? No? I didn’t think so. Chances are, almost every girl is the exact same way.
It’s best you understand this is code for a girl not being into you because when a girl says this, it’s deceptively dangerous.
It gives you false hope that somewhere down the road, she’ll definitely be more open to giving you a shot. But, that probably won’t happen. So, start moving on and save yourself the pain of thinking anything will happen anytime soon.
Maybe she just went through a tough breakup. Maybe some other heavy, stressful situation or circumstance occurred or is occurring. But, a relationship shouldn’t be a chore and shouldn’t add extra stress.
Excuses suck, guys. But, you’re bound to have a girl “let you down easy” with these nebulous, soft lies at least once in a while. I guess that’s how girls like to play it.
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About the author
Jason, or “Jtrain” as some affectionately call him, is an epidemiologist from Northern Virginia currently working in the Baltimore area. He enjoys bodybuilding and exercise and loves listening to niche musical genres (especially Scandinavian metal). He believes in giving everything your all, the power of one, and being a positive influence. Visit his blog at www.jtrainfitness.blogspot.com
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This article originally appeared on Elite Daily.
Photo credit: Sarah Horrigan/flickr
Absolutely. You cannot expect to reject a man
Using the same veiled and coded language that you
Use with women and expect him to get it. He is a man.
Sorry Im really flattered but Im just not feeling it .
.Will work every time and it shows that you have some courage
Which is impressive.
can’t win. these same guys complaining about being let down easy would be complaining if the women decided, instead to say any of the following: I’m focusing on my career, school, etc, and you aren’t distracting enough to take my focus away from career school etc. I’m just too busy, and everything that I’m busy with is more important to me and more interesting to me than going on a date with you. OR I’m not looking for a boyfriend right now and even if I were you wouldn’t be the one I”m looking for. Then we’d hear the cries… Read more »
Just take the “no” and walk away. Don’t ask for explanations or stay to listen to excuses. It’s a waste of your time and energy. So is worrying about it.
It is really hard to look someone in the eye and say, “I’m not attracted to you.” It feels unnecessarily cruel. I know men feel lied to when women make excuses like “I’m too busy” but what’s the alternative? Be honest but mean? Another issue I think is that women are used to being indirect with each other to be nice, and other women read the subtext so there is no misunderstanding. There are ways to say “I’m busy” that imply “I will always be too busy for this” vs “I’m genuinely busy right now”. It involves tone and body… Read more »
Here is the problem ..women see being indirect and tactful as kind and considerate.
Men see it as cowardly and evasive .
So I think some men may actually get the hint that a woman is trying to send them rejection but chose to ignore it thinking I’m going to make this woman show some courage and reject me straight up . I put myself on the line here and I’m not going to let her just hint her way out of this !!
No. Women see it as necessary because some men take “no” as a challenge and keep trying until she hits on an excuse he will finally believe. And because some men become threatening and frightening when they do understand they’re being rejected. No, not all men, not even most, but enough that most women have been on the receiving end several times.
“Excuses suck, guys. But, you’re bound to have a girl “let you down easy” with these nebulous, soft lies at least once in a while. I guess that’s how girls like to play it.”
Not quite right. This is the way we are trained to “play” it. Some guys react dangerously to rejection. I had hoped this essay would have been more self reflective, but at least this wasn’t yet another advice column about overcoming rejection at any cost.
In high school, everyone knew I had a boyfriend who lived in some distant suburb away from the city…still boys would still ask me out….when I said “no”, they would act all butt hurt….so really, when they were asking me out, it wasn’t about me or respecting my feelings for someone else…it was all about some kind of competitive urge to ask the pretty girl out first before the next guy or about boosting their own self-esteem… Even now, I wave my wedding rings in men’s faces, and they still try to hug and pull me in when I having… Read more »
Kind of logically backwards your argument. If it was so well documented that you had a boy friend why would so many boys line up for rejection when trying to boost their egos or self esteem? Only a guy with pre existing ego or self esteem is going to take on such long odds. Either that or you are making the whole thing up,
You know, it’s easy to get annoyed about these things. And God knows I have gotten my share of such excuses in the past, and believed them too, only to be disappointed by seeing her date someone else the very next day. It feeds paranoia too; it is not that she seems to have a magic ability to turn her sex drive off, it is that you seem to emit some invisible radiation which automatically renders all women completely asexual as long as they are around you. Like a curse. It feeds the whole “nice guy” issue as well, because… Read more »
Why should something being worse for someone else invalidate a problem of your own?
I’m sure things are rough for other people, that doesn’t mean I don’t have to give up the expectation of not being bullshitted and lied to.
Please see my comment below. Most of the time, women are just trying to be nice and avoid an awkward conversation. It is upsetting to have to reject someone and experience yourself as being hurtful or unkind. Maybe not as bad as being rejected, but the rejector is also in a difficult position. Most women (believe it it not) genuinely do not want to be mean. (Some do or don’t care but I honestly believe they are a minority) Maybe some advice from men on how you would like to be rejected so it doesn’t sound like lies or bullshit?… Read more »
An honest answer, without any ‘tude?
The guy has had to be honest to approach and express interest.