If you just keep letting these offensive people get to you, you’ll always be mad or annoyed. Leo Babauta gives 3 strategies to help you deal.
—
Something that we struggle with daily, that eats us up and causes stress and anger: annoying people.
You know those people: they cut in line, are rude to you in the office or at the restaurant, cut you off in traffic, talk loudly about obnoxious things, play loud music when you’re trying to concentrate, interrupt you, and so on.
These offenses are violations of the way you think people should act. And so it burns you up. Don’t worry, I’m the same way.
If you just keep letting these offensive people get to you, you’ll always be mad or annoyed. Life won’t be very good. But it’s something you can learn to deal with.
I have to admit I’m not perfect at this, but here are three strategies I use that are helpful:
- Get Big. I learned this one from Zen teacher Robert Thomas, who uses “Get Big” as one of his slogans that helps him to be mindful. Imagine you’re a 2-year-old toddler, who can’t have a toy or some ice cream right this minute. This problem is your entire universe, because you have no perspective, and so … you throw a fit. This is the world of a 2-year-old (I should know, I’ve had 6 of them). But as adults, we know that this is a very small problem, and in fact there are lots of other things the 2-year-old could do to be happy. Sure, that’s easy for us — we have a bigger perspective. But when someone offends us, we have a small perspective — this little offense is the biggest thing in the world, and it makes us very angry. We throw the equivalent of a 2-year-old fit. But if we get a bigger perspective (Get Big), we can see that this little thing matters very little in the bigger picture. It’s not worth being angry over. So remind yourself to Get Big, then widen your perspective.
- Float Down the Stream. When I drive and other drivers do rude things, I often get angry. Then I remember a trick: I imagine myself floating down a stream in a raft, and the other cars are just twigs and leaves floating past me one way or another on this stream. They don’t have to treat me a certain way, because they’re just twigs. And so I serenely float down this stream, not worrying about how the twigs float around me (though I try not to hit them, because, you know, safety first). And in truth, this is how life is — other people aren’t trying to offend you, don’t even worry about you most of the time. They are just twigs floating by. Be nice to the twigs though.
- Give Them a Mental Hug. This little trick can transform the way I feel about someone who makes me angry. Let’s say someone has just said something rude to me. How dare they! Don’t they have any consideration for my feelings? But of course, in this reaction, I’m not having any consideration for their feelings — only mine matter. And so I try to empathize with this rude person, and realize that they’re angry, or scared, or both. They are being rude as a coping mechanism for their fear. And so, mentally (and once in a while physically), I give them a hug. I have compassion for this scared person, because I too am often scared. We’re the same. We need a hug, some compassion, a little love.
Try one of these three tricks the next time someone makes you mad or offends you. And then smile in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that, like me, you are superior to the rest of the world.
This post originally appeared at Zen Habits. Reprinted with permission.
—
Photo: Gino/Flickr
When people say annoying and off-color things to me, with a lot of respect and sincerity, i simply turn their question around on them and ask them their own question or I simply say, “how would you like me to respond to that?” Usually both ways get them to truly think about what they said. The key is to be nothing but respectful and sincere with them though so that they don’t feel attacked while making a point about the inappriopiate things they say or ask of you.
Dumb motorists do not piss me off…I am pretty zen about that…although I drive not too often…People on the trains and subways can get me riled up…but I try to create space and move away if something doesn’t feel right…Work situations can really get me mad…but I realize everyone is under duress….I force myself to take a deep breath and try to do something nice at a later time when I am not feeling so beleaguered….it is easy to get offended at all the little gnawing micro aggressions….!
The first 2 are pretty good tips for changing self perspective. The last in my view is only partly true and by giving some people more credit due actually pisses me off more. One thing that i do, and yes i know i’m being an asshole about it, pertains in particular to inconsiderateness re: parking spots. Some folks think their stuff is better than anyone else’s stuff and will consciously take up two parking spots to ensure their car is not dinged. I have printed cards i keep in my car that highlight their learned techniques and what i think… Read more »