Gay men face enough challenges while searching for love. Kyriel Manzo points out the five things single gay men are exhausted with (and why you should zip it).
It’s totally cool to talk about sex and dating with your friends. But if you’re someone’s casual friend or family member, keep these five things in mind. You might be crossing a line or asking something you’ll later wish you hadn’t. After years of collecting stories from friends that identify as gay, I’ve listed their most common complaints. Being gay does not equate to an obligation to have a transparent love life.
1.) Are you sure you’re gay? You’ve been single for a long time.
This is usually at a family gathering where people outside of your immediate family unit judge you solely based on their conception of “what normal gay people are like.” If you’re not in a committed relationship, fighting for marriage equality with your husband, in the process of adopting an Asian daughter and buying a house in Fire Island, you’re just not gay (in the eyes of great Aunt Shirley).
2.) Are you the “girl” or the “boy”?
Stop with this. Forever. Gay men are all “boys” and “men” and gay women are all “girls” and “women.” There is a huge difference between being transgendered, “trapped” in the wrong gender body, ect. Most people are asking in a sexual context which is intensely personal and rude. How often are straight people asked, “when you do get a girlfriend will you practice cunnilingus or…..no?” The people asking don’t get it and it’s none of their business.
3.) Do you think doing drag is turning off potential mates? They want to date a MAN after all…
For the love of everything that sparkles, no more questions like this. Some gay men dress in drag and have an amazing time doing it. Some gay men don’t want to date guys that do drag. Some gay men absolutely love it. It is in no way a “turn off” to all potential mates if a man is “Savannah from Havana” on Friday nights. No sexuality can be defined and wrapped in pretty little box.
4.) You don’t look gay.
And you don’t look ignorant. No one has ever thought, “You know what? You’re right! I didn’t even notice until you said something! I’ve been single all this time because I look straight! What was I thinking?” Being gay is not associated with being feminine. There are gay men with full beards, tattoos and bodies like 1890’s dock workers. There are also gay men with better legs than Heidi Klum.
5.) You should try to sleep with a woman. How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never tried hetero?
Gay people aren’t children that haven’t tried peanut butter but claim to hate it. They are intelligent, self-aware, and sexually honest. Even in 2014 it takes courage to be honest and open about sexuality. Realizing you’re gay and everything that comes after is a personal and sometimes crazy journey for each individual. Suggesting the “just try it on” method is fine for a sweater you’re not sure will fit but it doesn’t work the same way for vaginas.
by Kyriel Manzo
This post originally appeared at MeetMindful. Reprinted with permission.
You can find Kyriel browsing the stands at the Amish Farmers Market, at the dog park with her rescue hound named Bruno, or begging her fiance to go for a hike.
Photo: CarbonNYC [in SF!]/Flickr