Let’s face it: All breakups are hard.
Let’s face it: All breakups are hard. Parting ways with someone you’ve grown to like and racking your brain to distill what went wrong is both mentally and emotionally exhausting. Every single breakup hurts, but in different ways.
Reliving the fights and wishing things turned out differently won’t help. But, once you realize and admit that reality, the sooner you will accept that it is over and the sooner you will move on.
I’ve had a few failed relationships. Some took only a few weeks to get over while others required a couple of years.
Depending on the depth of my feelings, the time it took for me to finally be honest with myself and admit the relationship would have never worked out varied. These are few of the things I realized:
You have had long periods of time without connecting
The expression “out of sight, out of mind” applied to your relationship better than “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
And, I’m not even talking about long-distance relationships.
If you preferred hanging out with your friends, bickering with your family or just enjoying your silk bed sheets alone over making plans with your ex, it’s clear he or she was not the right person for you.
The breakup process hurt more than losing the person
After your ex broke things off, you realized that breaking up hurt your ego more than your heart.
Whether you got beaten to initiating the breakup or horrible words (or objects) we’re hurled back and forth, it was an end you welcomed a long time ago.
I mean, if you opened up the breakup idea first, would it have hurt as much?
You never accepted his or her flaws
You might have let little things, like the loud irregular snoring, go. But, the fact that the money he spent on his hobbies could have paid for his car repair bothers you.
He never seemed to get his priorities straight, despite all of your encouragement.
It never occurred to you to work on genuinely accepting him because in your mind, it’s just wrong to put up with things that hinder your own growth.
You never envisioned your future together
You shivered at the thought of having kids with him/her. But, it’s not like you hate kids. You love them!
Still, for some reason, you just couldn’t imagine starting a family with your ex. It might be due to the fact your perspectives on raising kids are polar opposites.
Or, his/her idea of shared responsibility at home isn’t equal and fair. Either way, building a home and even moving in together were simply out of the question.
You always felt as though you were spending borrowed time
You only planned ahead a small number of times, if at all.
Despite dating for months, you only made plans for the upcoming weekend, but never for the next holiday long weekend.
You knew that somehow, he/she wouldn’t be around anymore by then.
Your connection was shallow, at best
Perhaps you made the effort to get to know each other and spent time with each other’s friends and family.
But, when it came to knowing what he/she aspired to be, feared and what his/her goals were, you’re at a loss.
You feel there are many things you don’t know about him/her, and yet, you were never interested enough to find out.
You trust your friends more than you trusted your significant other
Your best friends know everything that’s happening in your life; they know about the boss you secretly despise, the recent death in your family and the financial struggle you currently face.
But, your ex doesn’t know that much. Your friends are the first people you confide in and the first people to lend a hand. For whatever reason, your ex is never the person you went to when sh*t got real.
You had to work on way too many things
You have an LDR. She’s finishing her masters. You’re allergic to cats, and she happens to have 10. He smokes and you think that’s filthy. His family is against you. You have differing beliefs.
If there were numerous issues right off the bat and not enough love in the relationship to make it worth fighting for, you’re better off apart.
You are happier and more at peace after the breakup
Despite the loss, the breakup feels like a huge relief. You feel like you can now do the things you’ve always wanted to try because he/she wouldn’t be there to disapprove.
You can now even entertain the idea of taking a job that pays well in another city.
Yes, there are still times when you miss having him/her around, but ultimately, you know in your heart this is what you wanted — to be rid of the relationship, that is.
The sooner you realize your relationship was doomed from the beginning, the sooner you’ll go through the motions of grieving the breakup, moving on and accepting that starting over isn’t so bad. Give yourself credit. You tried, but it’s just not meant to work.
Failed relationships aren’t necessarily pointless wastes of time, either. They always teach you something priceless; you find out who you are and what you need.
by Yasmin Gopez
This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
Yasmin is a freelance writer based in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. She has more than 9 years of experience providing content for both traditional and new media.
Photo: B Rosen/Flickr