Prepping for a first date just got a whole lot easier.
Look, nobody said dates were supposed to be easy – but, please, babe, breathe for me. You’re working yourself up over nothing.
Every night, hundreds of thousands of young women return home from first dates – like chickens with their heads cut off – wondering what exactly the dude they just ate dinner with noticed about them throughout the course of the meal.
Of course, a state of sheer and utter panic ensues.
“OMG, did I order a ‘trendy’ enough drink?! Ugh, do you think he realized I went to the bathroom in between meals to floss my teeth?! Is my unibrow bleached adequately?!”
Like – my love, I thought your name was Jen for the first 20 minutes of the date. I actually didn’t realize it was Kate until you referred to yourself in the third person (and I’m really only understanding how concerning THAT was, right now).
As you can see, we men aren’t the most alert creatures on the planet, and when you add in the prospect of sex at the end of the night – you can all but forget about any real attention to detail.
So if you’re one of the many women out there who currently finds herself overcome with questions and concern – here are 46 things a man will never notice on the first date:
46. You, low key, haven’t washed your hair in three days.
45. That one pimple, yep, right there, underneath your chin.
44. Your manicure is chipped on four of 10 fingers.
43. Whether or not you got your eyebrows waxed lately…
42. …Or even if you drew them on, for that matter.
41. Your eyeliner wings (WTF is a wing) aren’t “even.”
40. Your shoes don’t match the accent colors of your dress… or the fact that you were wearing shoes at all.
39. Your dress is actually salt stained at the bottom.
38. The run in your tights, or what a “run” is.
37. The crisis that is your scuffed heels.
36. Your purse, which you triumphantly outbid from some stranger on eBay.
35. The two-day-old stubble just chilling on your thighs…
34. Whether your blouse is 100 percent silk or if there are a few percents of polyester snuck in there.
33. Literally not a damn thing about the contents of your first drink.
32. The fact that your bag is Chanel – sorry (waste of three racks).
31. Whether or not you left a smudge of lipstick on your glass.
30. Anything, whatsoever, about your hair’s “roots.”
29. Your mismatching of gold and silver accessories together.
28. Anything related to “foundation” as a term used to describe makeup.
27. The fact that your bag is Birkin – oooof (waste of 30 racks).
26. Whether or not you’ve gotten a haircut in the past six, or so, months.
25. Frankly, the color of your hair, too – that seems to slip through the cracks from time to time.
24. If you’re using your work bag (a bag’s a bag’s a bag).
23. The special inclusion of “quinoa” in your dinner order.
22. How you arrived 20 minutes earlier than you pretended you did.
21. That you may or may not have eaten more of the bread basket than we did.
20. If you’re wearing black and blue – together. *gasp*
19. If your cleavage is a product of a push-up bra, or not (rarely will we question a good thing, however).
18. That you took a shot or three before embarking on the date.
17. That your underwear is from Limited Too – unless you show us, that is… [insert crowd ooh’s and ahh’s]
16. If you checked in on FourSquare…
15. …Or that you saw us check in on FourSquare, as well, despite the fact that we have never mentioned (or that we have an account on) FourSquare to you.
14. That you look like the exact female version of your brother, which, yes, is creepy now that you mention it.
13. That you didn’t go to the gym this week.
12. Or last week.
11. Oh, you went once the week before? Well, we missed that one, too.
10. The fact that you’re wearing a Grateful Dead graphic tee, but shadily thought they were a satanic death metal band.
9. How your “scent,” in reality, is a few spritzes of Britney Spears’ perfume – which was pretty much exclusive to WalMart in the mid 2000s.
8. That your phone vibrated twice from tinder notifications during dinner.
7. That you haven’t gotten laid in three months.
6. That you might’ve gotten laid earlier that day!
5. That you fully stalked us prior, and even know the name of our step-sister… who has a different last name. We’d probably be impressed, though.
4. That this is the first salad you’ve eaten in forever.
3. The fact that you haven’t flossed in months.
2. That you watched “Pretty Woman” the night before to brush up on restaurant etiquette.
1. And, oh yeah, that you have zero intentions of going on a second.
by Dan Scotti
This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
Dan Scotti holds down the role of a Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. He was born and raised on Long Island, where he learned to avoid small talk with people, and graduated from Binghamton.
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