Being nice isn’t a motive, it’s an attribute. Being nice isn’t a play or a disguise, it’s a genuine way of being that’s not contingent on its effect on women.
Nice guys, like Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Rob Ford, have developed a rather unfavorable presence on the Internet.
In an attempt to regain authority, men of the Internet have taken to bashing women, arguing in favor of The Nice Guy with the empty argument that we “friend-zone every nice guy we meet and only talk about their disappearance when the bad guys hurt us.”
This proverbial Nice Guy the Internet speaks of — this often-alluded-to fallen hero men hide behind when cursing women for not dating them — needs to addressed. Because we’re throwing a big word around and many of us don’t know what it means.
What actually makes a nice guy… nice?
Many men have a very distorted view of The Nice Guy. They think he’s a guy who uses nice actions to sleep with women rather than playing the alpha male card. They think it’s the anti-alpha, the fallen hero.
What these guys don’t realize is there’s one crucial detail they got wrong with their definition. Nice guys aren’t nice because they want to sleep with you, they’re nice because they aren’t just thinking about sleeping with you.
A guy isn’t nice because he says he’s nice. He doesn’t say he “tried to be nice and it didn’t work.” Because being nice isn’t a motive, it’s an attribute. Being nice isn’t a play or a disguise, it’s a genuine way of being that’s not contingent on its effect on women. Unfortunately, many men don’t understand this.
They think every personality, every stereotype, every way of being is about getting women. They think if women don’t sleep with them, it’s because their ploy didn’t work; they think that because they tried The Nice Guy on for size and it didn’t pan out, women don’t actually want the nice guy.
Well, f*ck you for calling yourself a nice guy when all you’re doing is saying you’re nice to get in our pants. The real Nice Guys aren’t the ones who need to say it, they show it. The real guys don’t stop being nice because they aren’t getting ass. The Nice Guy is nice whether he’s sleeping with you or not.
Nice guys are nice because that’s just how they are. They display certain characteristics and qualities that differentiate them from run-of-the-mill assh*les.
So before you start putting down women by saying how nice you are, why don’t you take a look at the qualities nice guys actually possess and see if you fit any of them:
He wants to be your friend… and doesn’t complain about being friend-zoned.
The Nice Guy doesn’t whine and moan because you’re not treating him like the attractive alpha male he wants you to see him as.
He doesn’t throw a fit because you like him as a friend because he didn’t have any more motive. If hooking up happens, it happens. But he didn’t arrange for it that way.
He respects you… not because of what you can do for him.
A genuine, authentic nice guy respects a woman because she is his equal. He doesn’t respect her because she has tits or can provide certain services for him.
He respects them as people and not their capability to fulfill his desires.
He doesn’t give you everything… but also doesn’t expect anything.
Nice guys aren’t constantly trying to buy your affection because any woman knows that no man offers you gifts without expecting something in return.
Nothing comes free in this world, no matter how nice he’s pretending to be. An honest nice guy doesn’t buy you things because he isn’t expecting anything back.
He doesn’t treat you like a princess… he treats you like an equal.
You know he’s nice when he’s not bullsh*tting you. He’s on equal footing with you, not talking up to you on some pedestal.
Because every woman knows that if a man is talking up to you, it means he’s most likely trying to go down on you.
He does something nice… without expecting something in return.
His motives aren’t questioned. He doesn’t guilt women into doing things for him nor does he ever makes them feel like he’s expecting something in return for his kindness. He does nice things for women because he does nice things for everyone.
He’s empathetic…. even if he can’t understand it all.
A nice guy will be the first to admit he doesn’t know everything about women, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be empathetic towards them.
Just because he doesn’t have the same struggles or fight the same battles doesn’t mean they are less important. He feels for women, the same way women can feel for men.
He knows his strength… but he never threatens you with it.
While he knows that he’s stronger than you and many times society gives him advantages, he’ll never use them against you. He doesn’t see the advantages of being a man as ways to demean women.
He empathizes with the struggles of women and would never hamper them to make himself feel more powerful.
He listens when you talk… not just because he’s waiting for you to finish.
His conversations aren’t about sweet-talking you back to his place or putting up with your ramblings until he’s earned your trust.
He genuinely wants to talk to you and the conversations are centered around more than just watching the way your mouth moves.
He respects what comes out of your mouth… not what you can put into it.
He’s interested in what you have to say. He cares about the things that are coming out of your mouth, not just what you can do with that mouth later.
When he talks to you, it’s because he’s genuinely interested and his words, like his promises, are never empty.
This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
Lauren Martin is a Senior Lifestyle Writer at Elite Daily. After graduating from PSU, she moved to NYC to write fart jokes at Smosh Magazine. Making her way to ED, she now writes riveting commentary on nude pics, condoms and first dates.
Photo: Leo Hidalgo (@yompyz)/Flickr