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Well, as my Mother used to always say, “If you’re bored, you’re boring.”
As a child this truth would frustrate me, but as an adult I completely get it–especially when it comes to relationships. No matter how you slice it, being in any kind of relationship with someone takes work and compromise, but in a long term relationship or marriage that’s an understatement.
Keep in mind that the dull times don’t arrive in the first few years… those conflicts are just your issues with compatibility or negotiating the relationship. Now, while the following information can be helpful for both of those, I do want to stress that folks who use the dull times as an excuse for breaking up are just using them as a cover for the real problems that ail them, and that subject is a book not an article. Growing apart in a relationship doesn’t just happen, it is cultivated over time through all of the little choices that we make every day, ultimately based on our own lack of self-awareness.
Bored with Yourself?
Good news! If you are courageous enough to recognize that you are bored with yourself, you have quadrupled your possibilities of getting interesting. At the end of the day, love is not something that you fall in or out of, it is something you choose to do. The way we love another is based on how we witnessed love and how we love ourselves. So, the most important thing you can do is get on the love-yourself train by doing these three things:
1.) Go back in time and write down the top three things you witnessed about love in your first 20 years. Now, decide what should stay and what should go and just cross out or circle them.
2.) List three hobbies you’ve always wanted to take up, choose one, and take the first step.
3.) List three things that you could do for someone else in need either directly or anonymously, choose one and do it. It is my experience that when you are; honest with yourself, kind to yourself, and compassionate of another that the perspective you see life through changes.
POOF–You become more interesting.
Bored with Your Partner?
One of the most common reasons people turn away from each other is unfulfilled expectations. Expectations of what a “good” partner should be or do, how the relationship is negotiated, or what it looks like when someone “loves” you. So, it is always best, as you take your partners inventory, to spend some time looking at why you have the reaction to the things your partner does that you do.
Spiritually speaking, it is the love we give that creates the love response from the universe, not the love we receive.
So, try this: write down the top three things that frustrate you about your partner, then take a moment to sit in contemplation of each thing. Sit, close your eyes and focus on who your partner is and how he or she feels. Now think of the thing they do and experience their feelings about it and see how that affects your perspective. Until there can be common ground and understanding there won’t ever be harmony.
Remember, you are the only person you control and you have full permission to make as many changes as you want.
PRESTO–your partner is more interesting.
Bored with Sex?
Sexual boredom is usually connected to laziness, which is connected to your emotional connectedness as a couple. Get all the “connecting” that’s at play here? So, connecting is your answer.
First of all, you must get rid of any resentments that you may be harboring for your partner. Sit with them, write out all of your resentments on a piece of paper, in as raw a form as possible, then write at the bottom of the page, “I forgive you, I love you.” Don’t share them at this time, and remember, forgiving someone doesn’t mean that what they did or didn’t do was okay, it just means that you are willing to let go of your suffering about it. Now, sit back to back on a blanket on the floor with one another and focus on your breathing, then focus on theirs, recognizing the rhythm of breath that you have together. It is completely appropriate to get handsy with each other at this point. Of course, we all know that this isn’t the complete answer to all of the profound stressors of our lives, but it sure is a great start.
BAM–sex is interesting again.
Bored with the Day to Day Hum Drum?
If you’re tired of the same old schedule, the same old tired arguments, or are just plain tired, you’re not alone. Our society today offers many stressors, from job security to national and world news. The desire for safety is the core reason we like schedules; we want to feel safe and controlling the few things we can is our attempt at getting it.
Spiritually speaking, opening to the flow of the creator is the answer to feeling safe. The way to do that within your day to day relationship is to do these few things.
1.) You may actually just be tired or unwell, so remedy this first; get on a health regimen, get a massage, and do what you have to in order to have a whole day to sleep in peace and quiet.
2.) Schedule in a surprise every week. It can be big or small and both partners need to take turns doing them. (It could be a few notes written and hidden, a surprise house cleaning, or dinner out.)
3.) Do something nice to appreciate your partner and yourself. My favorite is the gratitude board, a simple blackboard hung where appropriate; a room you share is perfect, and every morning write something that you are grateful for about your partner. Bringing a shift in focus to what you have and taking action towards giving yourself what you need can change everything and give you some interesting things to talk about.
PRESTO CHANG-O–the day to day is fun again.
Bored with Your Relationship?
If you’re bored with your relationship, one or both of you probably hasn’t spent quality time focusing on it, making room for petty negative behaviors to crawl in. I am certain, neither you nor your partner are using your super powers as they were intended. Everyone has them; they could be kind, stable, invigorating, courageous, visionary, consistent, loving, etcetera; but in a negatively focused relationship, they can be quite damaging. So the first step is to stop the damage.
Sit with your partner and write out what you think their top five super powers are. Now, write out the negative values of those super powers; it is probably some of these dynamics that are bringing you down. For example, here are a few traits with their unwanted counter parts; kind: pushover, stable: uninterested, invigorating: irritating, courageous: bullying, visionary: not present, are you getting the rhythm? Chances are that you fell in love with the positive traits and now years and many choices later you are calling out the negatives in each other. Taking time out to remember why you liked each other in the first place and putting some focus on it can go a long way to getting the rhythm you want back in your relationship.
ALA KAZZAM–you are groovin’ again.
Relationships are in the state they are for all sorts of reasons from simple to incredibly traumatic and complex, and while love heals all, it is our choices that fix all. Don’t wait for the bad behaviors to set in to your choices or your relationship; be honest with yourself and others, know that ALL things can change with a little acceptance and forgiveness. Most of all, remember; you are beautiful, you are interesting, and you are powerful.
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About the author
Tracee Dunblazier, GC-C, CCDC, spiritual empath, shaman, educator and spiritual counselor, is based in Los Angeles, California. Tracee specializes in grief counseling, energy dynamics, intuitive counseling, shamanic healing, space clearings, past life regression, soul recovery and transition strategy. As a multi-sensitive, Tracee blends information that she receives intuitively with different modalities to create a unique healing plan for every client. Every session is focused on freeing the client from their presenting issue to release, empower and heal—no matter what the condition. Tracee’s compassionate, humorous, down-to-earth style supports and empowers clients as tender topics are addressed during the session. To contact Tracee go to TraceeDunblazier.com.
This article originally appeared at MeetMindful. Reprinted with permission.