______
Let’s face it. Pickup lines have never worked.
Maybe that’s an exaggeration. I’m sure there are some happily married couples who met when the man uttered just the right comment at just the right moment; but realistically, he was lucky that his lady was impressed; and she’s definitely not still married to him because of the pickup line he used when they were in college.
The art of picking up a woman is belied by its own label. The term “pickup” suggests an action that is contrived and insincere, and for this reason can never be taken seriously.
Pickup lines are easily dismissed as the musings of immature men, the quips of high school locker rooms and fraternity houses, traded to make each other laugh and never to be actually used on women. (I’m not knocking athletes and frat boys. I was both, but I’m trying to paint a picture of the referenced maturity level here.)
The problem is that the shallow and cynical essence of the pickup line, which has been categorized as ridiculous, has evolved into the pickup strategy, which is admittedly more cerebral but just as disingenuous and has unbelievably gained favor in some circles. These strategies employ classless methods with such subtlety that they go unrecognized as the pathetic attempts of insecure men and are often confused with the confident approaches of good men.
If I read one more article about how you should be able to get a lady’s contact information in the first five minutes, I’m going to lose my mind. If you are walking around with a pen and paper in your pocket, because you intend on getting several phone numbers and email addresses in one night, you are not smooth. You are a predator, and you’re taking the wrong advice from someone who thinks more about taking advantage of a situation than about meeting someone who might be worthwhile.
I say stop listening to these guys who are still bitter over the fact that the pretty girl was mean to them in high school. Don’t be fooled by the so-called life coach who finally grew into his face and got some nice clothes and a stylish haircut only to steer other men to the path of evaluating women as numbers using social experimentation. These guys are not Sigmund Freud, and although they claim otherwise, they have no clue of the psychological process of women in a social situation.
In my humble opinion, making the right impression is a matter of being comfortable with who you are and approaching with good intentions and a genuine desire to learn about someone new. Confidence plays a part, but should never be feigned. Your confidence as a man should stem from your security in the fact that you’re a good person with a lot to offer anyone.
That being said, let’s reinvent the “pickup” (I hate this term) strategy. Here are some very easy, honest and effective steps to follow. Let’s assume the setting is a bar for the sake of structure.
Say hello.
Here’s a novel thought. Introduce yourself like a gentleman, like a real person. If you introduce yourself with an air of false confidence or arrogance, you’re going to come off more like a great white shark with only one thing on your mind. That beautiful woman is not a conquest. She’s not a goal. She’s a person (who might be the coolest person in the world if you actually get to know her).
Don’t use feeble attempts to start a conversation right away. You can be observant before you approach. If you lock eyes a few times, that’s a good sign that she’ll be receptive to your introduction. But even if you decide to take the risk without an unsaid invitation, there is nothing wrong or threatening about saying hello.
“Hi, my name’s Matt,” can get the ball rolling better than you might think, and a conversation can grow from that introduction in an organic and interesting way.
Have a real conversation.
So many pickup “gurus” will tell you to use your environment to start a conversation. Talking about the guy who started a fight, the girl who’s too drunk or the bartender who ignores everyone might give you a temporary point of common ground, but it has no substance. People have interests, passions and opinions. If you make small talk for fear of bringing up something boring, you will miss the unique intellectual, artistic and considerate aspects of a woman.
Be perceptive enough to notice what kind of drink she’s ordered, what she’s played on the jukebox or if she’s clearly there to see the band that’s playing. These are ready-made conversation pieces, and you might find that you have something in common. If a woman orders a whiskey and plays Led Zeppelin at the juke, I know I can have a good conversation with her, but that’s just me. You’ll have to judge each encounter on the basis of what you observe and what you both like.
Beyond that, be yourself. If the conversation is left to you to continue, ask questions that you care to know the answers to (nothing too personal right off the bat) and choose topics that interest you. If you find that she won’t engage you on the subjects you allude to, you probably don’t have much in common. At least you’ll figure that out.
Don’t force popular conversations down her throat, and don’t assume that the best subjects to bring up are those that are ignorantly considered typically feminine. She might not want to talk celebrity news, fashion or community gossip. If you bring up Kim Kardashian’s ass, and she wants to talk about how the ESA successfully landed a robot on a comet, she’s an intellectual and you’ve already lost.
Compliment with caution.
If you’ve succeeded in having a good conversation, you’ve learned a few things about her. At this point you should be getting a feeling for if she likes you, and equally importantly, if you truly like her beyond an initial physical attraction.
Hopefully you’ve peaked her interest in a few ways while you were talking, and maybe you’ve even made her laugh a few times.
At this point, you can lend her a compliment. Tell her she has a great sense of humor. Tell her she’s really smart. Tell her she has thoughtful perspectives, but whatever you tell her, mean it. Don’t say anything just to flatter her. Make the flattery the byproduct of being sincere.
If your instincts are telling you that you have a special connection with this person, and you are feeling particularly bold, tell her she has a beautiful smile or that she lights up a room when she laughs, but say it because you felt it first.
Chivalry is not dead.
If all has gone well, and you’ve been a self-confident, perceptive, considerate, respectful gentleman, you will know by this point of the evening whether or not you’ve made the right impression.
If you have, you might be keeping that beautiful smile on her face regularly. You might be looking into each other’s eyes consistently as the evening proceeds. She might be asking you more and more about yourself, because you’ve intrigued her.
You definitely have gotten to gauge (this is a nicer word than judge) each other to evaluate whether you appreciate each other’s qualities, moral standpoints, even likes and dislikes.
At this point, it’s appropriate to pay her a serious compliment and inquire as to whether or not she might like to see you again.
Be sweet. Ask this as a question. Don’t say, “Hey give me your number. I want to call you this week.”
Say, “You’re incredibly beautiful, and it was a pleasure talking to you all night. Would you mind if I called you sometime?”
Try being chivalrous. See if that works.
Be a man.
She might turn you down, but take it like a man. In fact, take it like a gentleman.
Nothing is full-proof. She might have just been looking for good conversation that evening. She might not be interested in dating at that point or she simply might not find you as attractive as you’d hoped, but this is no reason to throw a hissy fit and denounce the female gender.
Even if you haven’t succeeded in getting her phone number or securing a date, you won’t be ashamed of your effort, and she won’t think a shred less of you for trying.
You should be comfortable with the fact that you entertained a lovely lady for a few hours, and you should be hopeful that such an approach will work when you meet the right woman for you.
——
About the author
Matt Mattei is no longer afraid to call himself a writer. After eight years in the construction industry, helping a burgeoning company grow, he stepped away from an attractive paycheck to do what drives him on a daily basis. He has found a comfortable home as an editorial intern for MeetMindful, and he is grateful for the opportunity. In his spare time he writes his own creative non-fiction, which focuses on his personal experiences and reflections. He hopes to cultivate a career as an editor and cultivate his skills as a writer.
______
This article originally appeared on MeetMindful.
Photo credit: Alessandro Valli/Flickr
Approaching anyone takes confidence. If you’ve always been turned down before, how can that confidence be anything but false?
Lie to yourself, and be good at it? isn’t that what confidence is? I read some article about a study that explored just that. Depressed people were actually more objective about themselves than happy people. So, what that means is that confident people display untruths about themselves that people around them agree with. it’s the cult effect, where one charismatic leader, due to his charisma, short circuits everybody else’s reality for his. Just in a smaller scale. Not that odd considering that we are a very social creature. Just believe in your worth so much that you miss every time… Read more »
FlyingKal, I can only speak for myself but as someone who has struggled with low self esteem, at the ripe age of 30 something, I am far from perfect but I like myself more than ever. I don’t need other people to validate me anymore. I stopped defining myself through others eyes…I stopped defining myself based on if a man was attracted to me or not. I am not saying I don’t have weak moments . But I think it’s important to remember what YOU like about you. How far you’ve come and the things you’ve grown from. What qualities… Read more »
NASA dint land anything on any comet. The European Space agency did. Dummy.
The art of picking up a woman is belied by its own label. The term “pickup” suggests an action that is contrived and insincere, and for this reason can never be taken seriously. Doubleplus ungood! Colloquialism is banned in the latest version of the newspeak dictionary. The problem is that the shallow and cynical essence of the pickup line, which has been categorized as ridiculous, has evolved into the pickup strategy, which is admittedly more cerebral but just as disingenuous and has unbelievably gained favor in some circles. These strategies employ classless methods with such subtlety that they go unrecognized… Read more »
Thought this article was cool. Except the part where you say guys are predators for getting lots of numbers. Stop pandering through politically correct shaming tactics. It’s pathetic and indicative of social conditioning group think.
When you sound like the day’s current politically correct sound bite you sound like an ass who can’t think for himself.
What you call “politically correct shaming tactics”, others may simply call “having respect for others”. I don’t think it’s shaming to encourage men to talk to and approach women with intension instead of just treating women like a quantity control group, getting any numbers, for the sake of just trying to get with any woman. It’s really unattractive to be treated as one of a harem of girls a guy is trying to get with. I want to be with a man who is intentional in his dating, is not just looking to get with any girl for the sake… Read more »
There’s how you phrased your point, Erin, and then there’s calling people predatory for no good reason as the author did.
Oh, and there is nothing original whatsoever in creep-shaming men, not by a long shot.
Sometimes in dating, when a man’s objective is to have sex, and his focus is on the best way he can achieve having sex, it’s intentions can come off “predatory”. Does that mean the man is “predatory”, sometimes yes and sometimes no. Having been the receipient of some of this behavior, not all guys always have nothing but your best interests at heart and it does read as “predatory” when one person wants something else from another person, that isn’t built on a foundation of respect or care.
“Politically correct shaming tactics” or simply asking one group of people to treat another group of people with respect and not like a harem. “Shaming” is a highly charged word on the internet and frankly, it’s way over used. It could be effectively argued that you are engaging in your own shaming by calling the author’s perspective “pathetic” and saying things like “you sound like an ass”. These could be translated as you using shaming to make the aurthor feel bad that he is advising men to approach dating from a different perspective. Frankly, it’s nice when a man doesn’t… Read more »
Now that many people are choosing to date online, it seems some have forgotten how to act around a potential partner when they aren’t behind a computer screen or smart phone. Thanks for the great advice!
“Have a real conversation…”
I was a high school senior riding the subway reading stories by Henry James…a college student saw what I was reading and said something really interesting about the author…I said I was re-reading the stories because I think I had underestimated his story-telling in the past…it went back and forth…he wore a thick white fisherman’s cable knit sweater and he smiled and lightly touched my elbow as he got off his stop…no expectations…no come-ons…just great conversation…
If you make approaching women the focus of your life it is just another addiction like drugs, booze or gambling.
Matt, this is without a question one of the best pieces I’ve ever seen written about how to approach and treat women while trying to date them while a man maintaining his ow integrity and respect for himself in the process. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would love to get approached like this by a man.
Hi Erin,
Do you have any advice for a man (well-groomed, healthy, clean and in rather good shape), whose every attempt to just walk up and say “Hi (my name is xxx)” is met with a cold stare from head to toe…?
And don’t say to avoid inappropriate circumstances, because that is already considered.
How about putting that time and energy into yourself? Travel, start a hobby or business you have been meaning to do. Worrying about why women give you “cold stares” is a waste of your life.
Hi Wes,
I already do that. But thank you for calling 🙂
Hi Wes,
I already do that, but thank you anyway.
FlyingKal, I find it more comfortable to be around men who share one kind of interest or another. For the most part, I tend to like the opposites attract thing but there should be some commonality. If the cold approach doesn’t work, and I know this sounds cliche, what about getting involved in an activity you are interested in that would put you in more social situations with the kind of women you’d like to meet? I recently took an adult art class and the ratio of women to men was crazy. Many more women, of all ages….not so many… Read more »
Also FlyingKal – Other good ways to meet women are possibly through co-ed sports – if you like sports. Or ‘meetup . com’ which helps you find people in your area with similiar interests. Sometimes there are ones that are singles events.
Yes, I’ve been told similar things before. But deliberately picking a subject or interest with a traditionally high female-to-male participant ratio, most people you run into will be able to tell that you’re not there because of a genuine interest in the subject at hand… (The same works vice versa, of course). So being a traditionally unattractive guy, this kind of stunts will probably do more harm than good. But I have also taken classes out of genuine interest to learn, like dancing and language classes, but also in these settings people tend to have their selective shields up. But,… Read more »
“Fun” fact about sports, as I’m into MTB and rock climbing, among other things. I reckon climbing consists of about 75% men. At least around here, with the type of climbing I pursue. Despite that, for some strange reason roughly 10 out of my 12 most regular climbing partners are girls and women, ranging in age from teens to 60 year olds. So it seems that they trust me to hold their life safe with a rope, but they don’t trust me with a date… Yes I know, not all of them are age-appropriate. And some of them are in… Read more »
And I should probably add:
I don’t usually approach women 10 or 20 years my junior.
Nor do I approach the most conventionally attractive ones I see, the ones who already have all the male attention they can handle and more.
NASA did nothing of the sort. It was a European mission. Other people on the planet are also capable of scientific achievement. Check your US privilege and correct the article, please!
Really? Way to miss the point!