When it’s the right one, it won’t matter if you sleep with them on the first or the 15th date. They’ll text you back.
It’s a Sunday night and I’m lying in bed, wondering why he didn’t text back. It’s been two weeks, and it was by far the most normal, non-awkward, genuinely enjoyable hookup I’d ever had. We got along well, and he even got my number the following morning.
Yeah, maybe he said a few questionable things, but it could have been worse! I have no problem overlooking the fact he casually brought up how much his apartment costs and how his salary is quite substantial.
I smugly got in my Uber as I left his apartment. “Wow,” I thought, “Something is definitely going to come of this.”
But, here I am, two weeks later and not a word. No response to my very casual, “what are you up to tonight” text message.
Trust me, as an over-thinker, I’ve replayed the night in my head again and again. I wasn’t too drunk. I looked good. I had played it cool. We got along really well, and he was the one to ask for my number.
I couldn’t come up with any legitimate reason WHY he wouldn’t want to see me again.
But still, no word.
Just one thing, however, kept coming back to me: Have I not heard from him because I didn’t sleep with him?
This was a new question I was asking myself. Not because I sleep with a lot of people, but because I never regretted not having sex with someone. Don’t get me wrong; I was definitely attracted to him. I just didn’t think that night was the right time. I thought maybe we’d have another chance.
And, from my experience, if I have to debate whether or not I should sleep with someone, it probably isn’t a good idea. That method has always worked, thus far.
I felt like a stupid, needy, immature girl for even thinking it, but I wondered whether my decision to keep my panties on prevented a second date or even halted a potential relationship.
As fun as it may be to talk about sex (what makes it good, what makes it bad, who likes what, how often we do it, etc.), it’s also a pretty confusing topic.
Women of this generation are constantly inundated with ideas and opinions on how we should use our sexuality. We read articles about how we should be able to sleep with whomever we want and how the right guy won’t care if we put out on the first night.
But, many of us grew up harboring the idea that sex is something special – something that shouldn’t be given away to any guy who buys us drinks and tells us we’re beautiful.
We’re told he’ll never respect us — and certainly won’t date us — unless we say, “I’m not going to have sex with you,” the first few times we hang out. We see our friends in healthy relationships with guys who wooed them before they went all the way.
Yet, we’re prone to immediate gratification.
We’re impatient and don’t want to spend time waiting for the perfect guy to sweep us off our feet and take us on a minimum of five dates before we let him into our beds. (Who knows, 20 years could go by before that happens.)
And, honestly, we don’t expect to find our soul mates right now. We just want someone whom we find attractive and tolerable enough to f*ck when we want and snuggle when it’s cold. We also want to find this person before “cuffing season” ends.
We are intelligent, independent women, but it’s still complicated. We feel like there’s a certain line we can’t cross. We struggle to be seemingly “chill” and try to hide the overanalyzing, crazy parts of ourselves.
In an ideal world, none of this would matter; we wouldn’t care what other people thought or said. We would live our lives, go to bars, meet guys and go home with one if we felt like it.
We’d never worry about pregnancy, health, safety or what our parents would think if they discovered we went all the way with someone we met that night. We would have the exact relationship we wanted.
Sex would simply be something we did, something we enjoyed doing. We’d never question our decisions about letting people into our beds or not, and we’d certainly never regret or question our decisions not to do it.
Unfortunately, that’s not the world in which we live. We live in a world where we sometimes decide whether or not to sleep with someone based on how easy it makes us seem or an arbitrary amount of time spent with the person.
We weigh our options and decide not to sleep with him when we’re scared about being upset if we never hear from him again. And, we find ourselves wondering if it’s our fault that he decided not to be in our company again.
It’s nerve-wracking and causes way too much anxiety, but it’s reality. And it needs to stop.
We have to stop constantly questioning our actions. If we feel comfortable enough to sleep with someone after he buys us a drink or two, then we should. If we don’t and the guy subsequently never contacts us again, it’s his loss.
So, hell yes, I’m happy I didn’t sleep with him. After all, he could have just as easily never spoken to me again if we slept together that night. And, then, I certainly would have regretted the decision to sleep with him.
I’m sure the day will come when I’ll want to f*ck someone without questioning whether or not anything will come of it. If he texts me, so be it. And, if he doesn’t, he’ll never cross my mind again.
Another day will come when I’ll tell the man with whom I spend the night, “No, not tonight,” and he will happily stick to second base if that’s where I’m comfortable. When it’s the right one, it won’t matter if you sleep with him on the first or the 15th date. He’ll text you back.
by Lydia Mansel
This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
Lydia Mansel is a Copy Editor at Elite Daily. She graduated from The College of William & Mary in Virginia, and has previously written for Thought Catalog and The Daily Meal. Follow her on Twitter/Instagram @lydiamansel.