—
RSVP to join weekly calls on Love, Sex & Relationships
A man once told me that his wife said she doesn’t feel connected to him. The first time she said it, he looked around, quickly noticed they were both physically in the same room talking to each other, and so exclaimed, “What the f**k are you talking about? I’m right here!”
She didn’t feel connected to him. When he couldn’t make sense of that and angrily said so, she felt even more disconnected. Over time, their relationship crisis would worsen.
Have you experienced this?
Since my recent blog, “Choose Her Everyday (Or Leave Her),” a lot of women have written me with this complaint about their male partners: “He doesn’t know how to show up.”
These women typically describe how angry, hurt and frustrated they are that their partners seem to be emotionally and/or psychologically absent from the relationship.
|
These women typically describe how angry, hurt and frustrated they are that their partners seem to be emotionally and/or psychologically absent from the relationship. Many are about to give up and leave. Some already have. There are also those who stay, and stay miserable.
What are these women pointing to in their pain of disconnection?
It’s called Masculine Checkout Syndrome, or MCS (a real condition I made up).
In most heterosexual relationships* it tends to look like this:
Man is physically present but emotionally and/or psychologically distant. He might say he cares about the relationship and his partner, though he engages more consistently and perhaps more enthusiastically with other aspects of life – work, TV, hobbies, friends, sports, addictions – than he does with her. When he does engage with her, he often does so with indifferent or agitated energy. She feels it; he doesn’t … or he pretends not to.
Got it?
One woman who wrote described her male partner as a good man who usually does the right thing in their relationship. She’s deeply dissatisfied by his lack of emotional display. He’s physically present, but all she feels is the actual solidity of his body. Sex is dissatisfying because he doesn’t use his body to dance in delicious sensual partnership with hers; he’s mostly just masturbating himself inside her.
She feels abandoned, even though he physically shows up.
He’s been taught his entire life – as most men have – to deny his emotions, to deny the body in favor of mental fortitude.
|
Here’s the essential problem: He’s been taught his entire life – as most men have – to deny his emotions, to deny the body in favor of mental fortitude. As a boy, he was told, “Don’t act like a girl!” … “Don’t be a wussy!” … “No pain no gain!” … “Stop crying!”
He was shamed when he let down his veil of invincibility, usually by other men and sometimes by women, too. For women were also taught that vulnerability is akin to weakness, that emotions are inconvenient and burdensome, and that it’s best not to express yourself too much lest you annoy others.
So when emotions begin to overwhelm – as they often do in the inherently emotional world of intimate relationship, whether erupting from a partner or ourselves – we cut the body cord and retreat into the intellect for safety. Or we eventually express those emotions as anger because that’s the emotion of strength, so we’ve been led to believe. Though even anger isn’t hardly acceptable today.
When we can’t solve the emotional burdens of the relationship and anger fails us, we’ll turn to solving easier problems at work or in sports, or just watch others do it on TV.
|
When we can’t solve the emotional burdens of the relationship (“Why is she feeling disconnected and upset when I’m right here?”) and anger fails us, we’ll turn to solving easier problems at work or in sports, or just watch others do it on TV. Whatever we do, we start separating ourselves from the relationship for mental relief.
Thus, Masculine Checkout Syndrome.
We stop showing up, even if we stay in the room.
♦◊♦
What to do?
To start: Breathe.
To stay embodied in the presence of an intimate partner who’s expressing upset, a simple technique I offer men in my coaching practice – and women, too, for women also embody masculine energy and are susceptible to MCS – is to visualize breathing into your heart.
Breathe consciously, deeply, intentionally, into your own heart. As you exhale, breathe into her heart.
She doesn’t even have to know you’re doing it.
Feel her. Feel into what’s really beneath her upset. The woman before you may be masquerading as an exploding nuclear bomb, but she’s not an actual bomb. She’s simply a woman in pain. She misses you. She misses you in your heart.
|
Feel her. Feel into what’s really beneath her upset. The woman before you may be masquerading as an exploding nuclear bomb, but she’s not an actual bomb. She’s simply a woman in pain. She misses you. She misses you in your heart.
That’s what’s required of us: To return back home to the heart.
We all started out there as little boys, able to cry as easily as we could laugh. Unafraid to cuddle our mothers and embrace our fathers, we offered our emotional feedback to the world without shame.
Somewhere along the way we began to bottle it all up, distrusting, even fearing emotions.
I’m not suggesting we return to childish ways of unleashing emotional havoc on the world around us. I am suggesting that the time has come to temper the rational intelligence of the intellect with the mysterious wisdom of the emotional body.
The intellect, though it can serve us well, can also make people do all kinds of things that hurt themselves or others when just one intense thought takes over.
Emotions can offer profound guidance when the intellect fails to comprehend the complexities of any situation. A deeply nourishing emotion can illuminate what’s working well in this moment, while a painful one may indicate that something clearly isn’t, no matter what the calculating intellect says.
Through their upset, our intimate partners are pointing the way home. They’re inviting the masculine in us all to return triumphantly to our full bodied authentic selves, integrating intellectual intelligence with embodied emotional wisdom.
Your partner’s angst is an invitation back into your heart.
Breath into your heart. Then breath into hers.
It’s a start, and it won’t solve everything.
But when she smiles because she feels you like she hasn’t felt you in a long time, you’ll know it’s a good start.
♦◊♦
What Now? Participate. Take Action. Join The Good Men Project Community.
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission. All members see the site AD-FREE!
Register New Account
◊♦◊
Your ANNUAL PLATINUM membership includes:
1. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to participate in ANY of our new Social Interest Groups. We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time. We now offer 500 calls a year!
2. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to ALL LIVE CLASSES. Learn how to build your own platform, be a better writer, become an editor, or create social change. Check out our training sessions. As a Platinum member, you can take them all.
3. Invitation to the MEMBERS ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.
4. Access to our PREMIUM MEMBER LIBRARY with our recorded ConvoCasts and classes. ConvoCasts are a new form of media—and you are in them! Only Platinum Members get access to our recordings. And recordings of our classes are really valuable for those who do not have time to take the live classes or just want to review.
5. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you log in.
6. Weekly conference calls with the publisher and other community members. Our weekly calls discuss the issues we see happening in the world of men in a friendly group setting.
7. PLATINUM member commenting badge. Only members can comment!
Price for ANNUAL PLATINUM membership is $50/year.
♦◊♦
Your ANNUAL GOLD membership will include:
1. Free access to any ONE Social Interest Groups.Try them out! We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time.
2. Free access to any ONE of our live classes. Each month, we have the following: Learn how to be a Rising Star in media, build your own platform, become an advanced writer, become an editor or create social change. Check out our classes here. RSVP for any one class—if you want to take more, just upgrade to an Annual Platinum Membership.
3. Invitation to the MEMBER-ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook and all Weekly Friday Conference calls with the Publisher and community. Connect with other members online and by phone!
4. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.
5. GOLD commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!
Price for ANNUAL GOLD membership is $25/year.
♦◊♦
Your ANNUAL BRONZE membership will include:
1. Invitation to weekly conference calls with the publisher and community. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.
2. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.
3. BRONZE member commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!
Price for ANNUAL BRONZE membership is $12/year.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
Stock photo ID:1031999578
I’m sorry but…. for a man who is “disconnected” — advising him to “breathe into her heart” and to “feel her” is probably the most intangible thing he could ever try to understand. In other words; terrible advice. This article starts off so spot on with understanding women, then… you leave these poor men hanging who want to connect with their partners and still have no idea what to do. Someone not connected to their emotions is def not going to know what in the hell “breathe into her” means… give them more guidance for heavens sakes. 🙂
But like me, you’re a woman. Maybe men are or can be more intuitive than previously believed?
I’m in the most delicious relationship now, and we’re inseparable on the dance floor. But in my previous relationship (marrage) I was accused of being distant sometimes. For me it wasn’t a matter of fearing emotions. My ex has a mental illness BPD which manifested through a hundred divorce threats, suicide attempts in the presence of children ( I now have sole custody of all 3), and just various forms of abuse. So while I believe MCS exists as described, sometimes we checkout because we’re not loved, respected or appreciated. There was an article here recently by a woman called… Read more »
Yes to what Jessica G says! Men have to be willing to show up, AND their partners need to work on allowing the space for them to express what’s going on for them, without getting hurtful (not to say ‘without showing emotion’, but without hurting the man by being lash-out angry, sarcastic, rude, or psychologically/emotionally manipulative). I was very frustrated on so many levels with how my ex- didn’t show up, but it triggered a lot of old stuff for me and I got increasingly angry and sarcastic when he’d share certain things with me, so of course he shut… Read more »
Hey,
Love the articles on this site. Please include social media share buttons so we can share them more easily 🙂
Thanks.
I appreciate the fact that you allowed room for MCS to happen to both men and masculine women. As a masculine woman in a healthy relationship with a masculine man we have really great communication. What we have found works is that when you think the other person is checking out don’t react or approach them with anger. If you want them to be vulnerable and show their emotions they need to feel safe, loved, and appreciated. Too many women approach their husbands with extreme emotions of anger, sadness, frustration etc. Because they feel that impending abandonment and react. Just… Read more »
I love this! My husband has checked out. It’s been a long, long time and the two years or so have caused me to consider how emotionally invested or connected he was from day one. I do not hold this against me, but I do wonder if we are here due to my inability to see what this is who he is. Being physically present, but not engaging or involved is an ongoing issue for my household and it’s harder for our children than it is on our marriage I believe. Part of me has given up, as some of… Read more »
Thank you, Lexi. Your husband deeply needs your feedback. Even though he probably won’t consciously admit or even appreciate it. Men need the feedback of our women; it’s the only way we can see in which direction we need to grow. Otherwise, we have no idea how our behavior is hurting you. I’m doing a relationship workshop at the end of July that could be really helpful to you. Details at http://bryanreeves.com/making-magic
Bryan,
This is the best I have read from you so far….I like your work here.
Great job!!!
Thanks Jules 🙂 I appreciate that 🙂