When travelling by bus or train in India, very often you will encounter people trying to sell you all manner of things. One of these archetypes is of a man trying to sell you a juicer. In his demonstration, this amazing juicer will be able to squeeze 8 to 10 glasses of juice from a couple of oranges. You will be impressed and buy this juicer. At home when you try to replicate this feat you will only get half a glass at most. You will find this confusing.
When you go out into the dating world you will encounter many such people (read juicers) — larger than life, flamboyant and incredibly charismatic. They will be attracted to you and want to spend time with you but they will want to do this without any strings attached. So will begin their sales pitch on why commitment is a bad idea. You will be told things like — ‘It is limiting to define a relationship’, ‘I want to remain free-flowing and open to all possibilities, and my most favourite of all, ‘I don’t just blindly follow societal norms.’ He will say that he is misunderstood by most people — because they are too shallow to understand the depth of his principles or fearful to truly embrace his free and alternative lifestyle.
The allure is intoxicating. Who doesn’t want to be cool and alternate? You will start to think, I don’t need to fall into the trap of definitions like ordinary unenlightened folk. Me? I’m way too secure for that.
Initially, a relationship with this person will be thrilling and intense. You will feel special, somehow chosen. Yes, there will be times he doesn’t show up when you need help with something and have a weak excuse ready — ‘oh I just lost myself creating’ or there will be times that he will not get in touch for weeks and turn up suddenly and claim — ‘I don’t believe we need to be in constant contact to be connected.’
Over time alarm bells will start ringing in your head. Something won’t seem right. Somehow you will quell those doubts before they boil to the surface by telling yourself that his lack of investment in you is acceptable because you don’t fall into the category of people who need validation. You are a ‘cool girl’, independent, and self-reliant.
And then you will start to notice things about him. What your partner says and does just won’t add up. If your person says they are spiritual you will see that while they seem to be familiar with the Cliff notes version of spirituality, they would rather roll a joint the devote any real time to actual mindfulness or meditation. If they are a self-proclaimed overachiever you will notice that they rarely finish what they start. If they say they are ‘creative’, it will be months before you see them seriously invest time in creating something. Their excuses for not showing up for you and the other people in their lives will be revealed as just that, excuses.
So, what do you do? If you are anything like me you double down on the effort. You overcompensate. You love harder. Maybe because you enjoy the challenge. Possibly because in some ways you are unavailable yourself. Suddenly you find that you are constantly tired. Constantly drained.
To return to our example of the juicer. You will continue to use your sub-optimal juicer. You will get frustrated. When you travel again, you will encounter another man selling another juicer. You will buy this again in the hope that this time things will be different. And yet again with this juicer, there will be little or no juice. Again, you will be confused and wonder what you’re doing wrong. Because this of course has nothing to do with the juicer in your mind and EVERYTHING to do with you. This cycle will go on and on in an infinite loop with you incrementally losing more and more self-worth.
Sure, there are all formats of relationships. You might not want to put on a label on your relationship. You might decide never to live together, and you might not ever get married, but you are deserving of effort, time, and kindness. Some people are just overgrown children — and they will walk around the world as if they own it, but really, deep down they are deeply wounded. Maybe they never felt loved growing up so are in truth incapable of loving anyone in turn. In such cases, unconditional love is all very good, but you can feel compassion for someone and decide to love them from a distance as well.
In effect, we all talk about being ambitious in our careers but really — be ambitious in your relationships too. Be ambitious about how you want to be treated. About how you want your partner to show up for you.
To my friends struggling to squeeze emotional satisfaction out of the juicer — just get rid of that damn thing already. You will thank yourself for it later.
—
This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock