Dear parents, your children are NOT extension of yourself but very different beings. They have their own style and way to perceive things driven by factors which they hold important to them.
Your very first action as a parent is to try and understand them.
Let’s think of it this way. Let’s say a teenager is learning how to drive. Can he learn it by sitting on the passenger side?
No.
You have to give that steering wheel to him/her to take his/her own decisions and MAKE MISTAKES and LEARN. Right?
Driving instructor is just sitting on the passenger seat and is there to guide him but remember steering wheel is still in your teenager’s hands to drive himself wherever and howsoever he/she wants.
Why, then, in real life you (parent) want your teenager to sit on the passenger seat while YOU holding that steering wheel for him/her?
Because you’re so scared that they might hit themselves or get hurt?
This is wrong way of looking at it. You need to better prepare yourself to see them getting hurt, see them failing, as that’s the only way they will even understand your advice. If you still have that steering wheel, you’re making lives of your teen miserable and suffocating.
Enough of philosophy, let me give you some real life examples to make my point clear.
Don’t remind them everyday to do their homework.
Don’t wake them up for going to school.
Don’t force them to go for tuitions and finish their pending work.
Don’t say “no” to them for their request of taking leaves from school.
Don’t check at night to see if they slept or not.
If you’re doing all this, you still have that steering wheel in your hand and expecting your child to learn to drive! He/she will NOT learn this way.
Let them make these everyday decisions for themselves and this way give them that steering wheel, but step in (like driving instructor on the passenger seat) and use your brakes and avoid those major mistakes which may result in serious accidents.
Let them make those minor mistakes — not waking up on time, not finishing home work, taking too many offs from school and learn for themselves in experiential way regarding where and how they are going wrong. You, as a parent, pitch in to avoid major blunders (missing important test) which may affect their career and have serious consequences. Ofcourse this doesn’t stop you from helping them when they need your help.
Parents, do you have the heart to see your child fail?
If not, better have that.
It’s only when you let them FAIL, that they will LEARN.
and they will NOT make that mistake again.
So, I request you all to give them that steering wheel and let them make those everyday decisions for themselves, make mistakes and learn.
Here are a few studies and research findings that validates my above argument.
Autonomy-related Parenting Profiles and their Effects on Adolescents’ Academic and Psychological…
The important role of parenting is widely acknowledged, but as most studies have understood and examined it as a stable…
link.springer.com
Parental Autonomy and Relatedness Support (Chapter 16) – The Cambridge Handbook of Applied School…
The Cambridge Handbook of Applied School Psychology – September 2020
www.cambridge.org
Believe me, by doing so (by being on the passenger side of the car just like the driving instructor and ofcourse using your side of brakes when needed) you are helping your child learn, grow and excel.
Lastly, you’ll never hear them say — “Leave me alone!”
(If you see value in my work, please like, comment and share. As I’m at the beginning stages of this effort, I would need your help to spread the word so I’m able to make that change.)
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Alex Jumper on Unsplash
