Lessons From Your Exes

I like to think that all of the heartache I suffered and all of the seasons of life I spent in the wrong relationships still had value. I find that value when I seek the lesson in those relationships. We learn from our mistakes, right? Because if we don’t, history will repeat itself.

In no particular order…

Lesson #1 — Self-awareness and Priorities.

I’m not the kind of girl that drops everything to make my life revolve around a guy. That might be one lesson I didn’t have to learn the hard way. But apparently, this ex hadn’t encountered someone who didn’t subscribe to BAE-logic. I have other interests that don’t involve you and people in my life that aren’t you. And that didn’t go over well.

I had an ex tell me, “You don’t make me feel special.”

And it was because I didn’t drop everything for him. And I won’t apologize for that. But, there is a lesson in self-awareness here: quality time is not my love language. And until or unless I showed him love in a way he could understand in his love language, it wasn’t going to work out. Spoiler: it didn’t work out.

There’s also something to be said for priorities. I won’t say that my priorities in the relationship were right or wrong. But know what your priorities are so that you don’t confuse them for someone else’s priorities once you’re love drunk.

Lesson #2 — You can and should trust your gut.

I knew in the depths of my soul that I was being cheated on. The signs were there and the writing was on the wall. But, I chose to accept the bullshit that this joker was telling me. Fast forward and the relationship ended for other reasons. Ultimately I later found out that I was right. But that was after a lot of wasted time. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. I should have trusted my gut.

Lesson #3 — A partner should encourage you to grow and learn.

New rule: Only date someone that can teach you something. You have goals and aspirations, right? Things you want to learn and know? Then you should expect the same thing in a partner. Seek out someone that has their own thing going for them that they can share with you and teach you about. And you should do the same for them. Be each other’s cheerleader.

Actual things I learned or achieved during relationships: I ran a half marathon and a full marathon, learned to play chess, how to check my oil, the sport of baseball, I have a vastly eclectic taste in music, and I can do all the things I’m scared of including fly cross-country by myself.

Lesson #4 — Settling is a waste of time.

People settle for a lot of reasons. They don’t want to be alone, they’re of a “certain age”, they think there’s nothing else out there. This is a waste of time! If you’re not with the person you are supposed to be with and you know this person isn’t the one for you, then any time you continue to spend with them after you know this is wasted. How are you going to find the right partner when all of your time is spent with someone else? You’re c*^%-blocking yourself.

And when you finally somehow, some way, cross paths with the right person, you may find yourself wishing you hadn’t wasted all that time and had just been able to spend that time in this relationship instead. But you can’t.

Lesson #5 — You will love again.

There is devastation in a break up. You think you’ll never heal. Never recover. Never move on. Certainly never love again. But, you will.

And that’s a powerful thing to know and take with you as you move forward. You will learn that you can take a risk. It may break you. And it may take a long time to stand back up. There were times that my heartbreak took months. You may be in the midst of that right now. But you will stand on your own two feet again and choose your next step.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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