If you can communicate with a horse, you can communicate with your wife. Learn how.
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In my work with married men struggling with their relationship, I’ll use ANY tool I need to make a break-through. Sometimes my background in training horses comes in handy to create “Ah-ha” moments for my frustrated clients.
Understanding how horses think and feel while trying to communicate with them is not an easy task. That’s why horses are so commonly used to teach trust, leadership, respect, and empathy in dozens of ways. Just search on “Horse Therapy” to find out how traumatized and disabled people, disadvantaged kids, and even corporate managers develop communication and empathy skills through horses.
It can be very beneficial personally for men to learn about the bond that lures thousands of young girls and older women into the horse’s web of seduction. A woman’s ability to empathize with a horse’s vulnerability and acute awareness of how pressure is felt seems to come naturally to them.
If a man wants to actively and purposely begin to improve his relationship with his lady, there’ a lot he can learn from the horse’s secrets. Learning to communicate his intentions in the language that FEELS right to her can begin to unwind years of misunderstandings and feelings of disrespect and disapproval. In other words, he can learn to empathize with his wife. Lack of empathy is one of the most common complaints I hear from unhappy wives.
If you can grasp the skills of communicating effectively with a horse you can begin to understand your wife’s perspective and experience of trying to communicate with YOU.”
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A True Story at Every Ranch – Every Day
There’s a ranch hand working with a 3 year old horse in a round pen. The horse is new to the ranch and in its short life has learned to fear and distrust people. The ranch hand is being watched by the head horse trainer who has developed the reputation as one of those “natural horsemen” or “Whisperers”.
This is the 7th day in a row the young man has found himself with this horse in this pen for 2 hours trying to do ONE THING. All he wants is for the horse to trust him enough to quit running in circles, snorting, sneering, and kicking at him. Well, he also wants the horse to walk into the middle of the pen and stand quietly with him.
And he wants her to believe he won’t hurt her – that she is safe with him – that she will “join up” with him as calm, trusting horses are able to do. He wants to touch her without her getting wide-eyed and backing away. And, sometime soon, he wants to ride her and have her be ok with it – enjoy it even.
The Whisperer watches the young man mumble cuss words at the horse, swing his rope, wave his hat, and glare at her eyes as he chases her in circles. “Stupid horse”, the ranch hand thinks to himself.
The head trainer finally speaks.
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Sometimes a Guy Doesn’t Know What He Doesn’t Know
“What am I doing wrong?!” the young man asks.
“Well”, the trainer started, “It’ll take another 7 days to answer that question, so I won’t try. You’ll be better off knowing what that mare needs from you to trust you. I thought you might start to get it after a while, but it’s not uncommon to see guys just try the same old stuff with more gusto thinking she’ll come around.”
Putting a hand on the young man’s shoulder, he said, “Over the last few days I’ve watched how you are with her. You’re loud. You’re bossy. You act unsure of yourself. You yank on her halter. You wave your arms a lot. You act scared of her. She thinks you’re scared of her.”
He continued, “Let me explain what she needs and why. Knowing this will help you choose how to act better tomorrow. First and foremost, she needs to feel your respect. This is not the same as you saying you respect her. She will know based on how you act.
She can’t feel respect from you when you are unaware of how she receives your attempts to communicate. The horse is not a mind reader, but she can feel the PRESSURE of your intentions – good or bad. Everything you’ve communicated to her this week felt like control, disappointment, frustration, and demands. Your uncertainty with her reactions to you felt like distrust and fear. And the negative energy of your foul grumbling felt like disapproval. You say you want her to stand next to you, but she feels your urgency to get a saddle on her and ride. She is having a hard time just relaxing and being a horse in your presence.”
What’s REALLY Going on Here?
A horse’s ability to trust, touch, respect, and enjoy the company of a person comes with conditions. With an ability to feel thes mallest fly land on their butt, they feel the intention and pressure from everything around them. They need to feel a calm confidence from people. They enjoy the predictability of an even-temper and purposeful assertiveness. They are literally attracted toward a person (or another horse) who creates feelings of safety, relaxation, and fun. Yep. Horses like fun.
They prefer to be “asked” or “invited” to do things for people with the smallest amount of pressure.Horse HATE excessive pressure. Although they will begrudgingly respond to it, they will always prefer the presence of the horse or person who can make them feel accepted and safe with the least amount of pressure. Horses become restless with excessive eye contact, an aggressive approach, and overly tentative behavior.
Oftentimes, the very best “release of pressure” to a horse is to simply back off. Give her space. Allow her the freedom she was born with. A lot of people crowd horses with touching, affection, and constant attention. It freaks them out. They need time away from the expectations of being perfect. This time and space allows them to reconnect with people more readily and willingly.
The person who can achieve this with a horse is able to form the partnership they seek. Some of the most amazing, mutually respectful relationships I’ve seen are between a person and a horse who seem to delight in doings things for each other just for the fun it.
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What’s in it for You?
It’s funny. Men who learn to work effectively with horses never question “what’s in it for them”. When they learn what’s really going on, it’s obvious why they need to be the one to initiate a better environment for the horse. However, men who struggle in their marriages are not so quick to understand. And I get it. Like their wives, these men have ALSO been experiencing some very real pain, disrespect, and distrust in their marriage. The decision to accept part of the responsibility for that reality is a tough one. But just like the young man in the story, continuing to operate the same way every day will always yield the same results. I encourage and lead men to choose a new way of operating – first for their OWN good – then for their marriage.
In my personal experience the process of learning this uncovered vulnerabilities of my own that have been hiding under “cow pies” for decades. I discovered a language that has helped me to be honest with myself and to better express my feelings with the woman in my life. If thinking of horses helps me understand what she needs, I’d like her to think of me as a Labrador Retriever. A few belly rubs and one “You’re such a good boy!” keeps me feeling safe and desired all day long.
Photo Credit: Flickr [D]izkography
A’course…the big difference would be the fact that a human woman is capable of linguistic communication, and so relying on interpreting body language and what-not isn’t necessary.
One would think it’d be easier/more natural to empathise with another human being capable of human speech, rather than a freaking horse.
As a side note, my facility has used Equine Therapy with some of the troubled adolescents we’ve worked with and have had great results. Many of these kids have trust issues where they are prone to emotional outbursts. I guess for some the idea of a human and a horse having therapeutic value may appear strange but it really isn’t and has been proven to be very effective
Nope, equine therapy doesn’t seem strange at all. Canine therapy is a big thing too. I’m all over the idea that sometimes what helps a broken person become less broken is to care for and train an animal.
But this article isn’t about broken people re-learning how to interact with other living beings. This is apparently meant to be directed to everyday men…and it draws some pretty straight lines (and kinda messed up parallels) between women and horses. So just, no.
Heather, context is everything. Apparently you missed the first part? “In my work with married men struggling with their relationship, I’ll use ANY tool I need to make a break-through.” It’s about struggling relationships where (almost always) communication has broken down to the point to where words mean nothing. Showing understanding and respect through behavior is the only way out. “Linguistic” skills are withheld out of hurt and resentment. It’s unbelievably, everyday common in many marriages. The parallel is no more messed up than my willingness (and those of my clients) to be compared to a dog so their wife… Read more »
Hi Steve,
I understand what you’re trying to convey in this post, the importance of “non-pressurized” trust, empathy, etc. I really do.
But, There is something that squeeks in it. I can’t really put my finger to it, but there’s one question that keeps popping up in my head:
” What interest would a horse (or a dog, for that matter…) have in the empathy and communication with the ranch hand/owner/guy, if it wasn’t fenced in to begin with?”
Still, you’re doing a good job here,
Best regards. /K
Hey FK, Interesting question! Metaphors can only work for so long, I suppose. Horses and dogs don’t have much of a sense of intentional reciprocation as would would hope for with a human partner. So the analogy breaks down there. However, the lesson is more about understanding what it takes to understand and achieve an emotional state (the environment) where a person (woman in this case) FEELS enough safety and respect to WANT to return her gifts. Make no mistake…women WANT to share their gifts with the right man and in the right environment. Men I work with (older married… Read more »
Great article, Steve! Your parallels between working with horses to gain their trust and gaining trust with your wife are spot on.
Hi Steve Good read 🙂 ✺” Lack of empathy is one of the most common complaints I hear from unhappy wives…… The horse is not a mind reader, but she can feel the PRESSURE of your intentions – good or bad. Everything you’ve communicated to her this week felt like control, disappointment, frustration, and demands. Your uncertainty with her reactions to you felt like distrust and fear. And the negative energy of your foul grumbling felt like disapproval. You say you want her to stand next to you, but she feels your urgency to get a saddle on her and… Read more »
Thanks, Iben. Glad you liked it.
In all of our discussions here about defining masculinity, I’ve always felt it could be described as the FEELINGS created in other people by a man who has learned to empathize with them – in his own unique, confident, and manly way.
I’d offer the SAME can be said about femininity – with her unique, confident, feminine energy.
It’s caring about the environment you have the power to create for the horse – and everyone around you.
So I have to ask, Iben (and Steve):
Exactly how are unhappy wives different than unhappy husbands, here? Do you think caring men are any less sensitive to negative pressure, withering disapproval, etc from their unconscious women partners?
The real question is: What’s the point of the gender essentialism here? I’m calling SHENANIGANS.
Hi Paul, No shenanigans. I acknowledge and empathize with the pain a husband feels in a struggling relationship – boy do I empathize. I feel extremely close to the guys I work with because of it. The choices are clear in a struggling relationship: a. Nobody and nothing changes b. HE starts changing the environment c. SHE starts changing the environment d. They BOTH start changing the environment simultaneously I work with men. I encourage them to choose b. It has the highest likelihood of personal growth AND relationship success. Usually, choice c. will kick in – but sometimes not.… Read more »
Hi Paul You ask: ✺”Exactly how are unhappy wives different than unhappy husbands, here”✺ That is a good question and as a woman I can not answer it. I have only been married once and never figured out what my husbands felt. He did not complain about my lack of empathy. He never said I nagged , was demanding or showed frustration or disappointment with him. All he said that he wanted more sex, and that he wanted me to show interest in his body. So he was the one that criticized , nagged , showed his disappointment and demanded… Read more »
Hi Iben – Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I think you (perhaps inadvertantly) nailed the very problem I was pointing to. Let me explain. When we start out by gender essentializing – so (for example) he becomes the “horse whisperer” and she the “horse”, we’re playing right back into the old rigid roles that have defined male-female experience far too long and far too often. And that definition becomes, eventually, a prison. When both the man and the women realize that life and roles need to be fluid, that sometimes she needs to be the “horse whisperer” and he the… Read more »
Great point, Paul. I understand now what you meant and I agree with the shared responsibility of men and women. Remember, my “tool” for helping men is simply to get a glimpse into thoughts and feelings they do not understand and continually ACT in ways that aggravate them. I love to see women doing the same type of work for themselves and their men. The truth as of 2013 is that there are millions of unhappy wives who empathize with the life experience of the horse in ways their men do not understand. This is predominantly a female experience. The… Read more »
Hi Paul
You are right.
Hi Iben, In a struggling relationship, the process of developing empathy is about trying to REALLY see or feel your partner’s experience as THEY see and feel it. Using horse or dog analogies to help is not about learning to control or manipulate, but learning to communicate to them your understanding of their needs. Once a person can feel empathy and understand those needs, they have the choice to meet them or not. Choosing not to will usually result in a horse or dog that runs away. And sometimes, that is the very best result. There are many times when… Read more »
Hi Steve Keep up with the good work. Men come to you to save their marriages,or maybe find our when enough is enough.That is a good thing. For me it takes a lot of trust to enter marriage and have that as project throughout life. I speak of trust in myself and my capacity to love through hard times. Strangly enough I feel lots of men have love enough to last a lifetime, but I doubt I have love of the kind many men wants. Writing this opens my eyes ! If I could see men as not stuck in… Read more »