Sarah Comerford encourages boys
and men to embrace feminism.
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The concept of what it meant to be a feminist was not always on my radar. I was never explicitly taught that being female meant being at something of a social disadvantage. My upbringing was dysfunctional in a lot of ways, but gender inequality wasn’t something I experienced directly as a child.
Until I had a daughter of my own, I never bothered to analyze the things I was taught in childhood. In a nebulous way, I suppose I recognized myself as a feminist, but I doubt I would have used that term. I grew up learning that everyone should be treated fairly, regardless of sex, color, creed, or anything else.
I see now that even if I never especially felt maligned for being a girl, there were opportunities to build me up that my caretakers never took advantage of. Meaning, I was permitted to be anxious, people-pleasing, and quietly insecure, in ways that, had I been born a boy, I might have been forced to overcome.
Now, as a parent and a card-carrying Feminist, I realize that treating girls with “equality” isn’t enough — we have to build them up. Let’s back up for a moment. This isn’t all about girls.
Boys, too, need to be supported, educated, and guided to avoid the pitfalls of an overwhelmingly misogynistic culture. In fact, boys are key in this equation. We need to educate young men to treat all people with respect.
That is the beauty of childhood — blissful ignorance to the complications of an adult life in the real world. I was well into adulthood before I started to self-identify as a feminist. This is because I had continued to take for granted the values my upbringing instilled in me and the examples set by my family. When my daughter was born, however, my perspective shifted and I saw how much work there was to be done: I brought this little girl into a world that is not stacked in her favor, and now it’s my job, and our family’s job, to imbue her with all the tools she will need to succeed. I looked back on the people who influenced me and then tried to predict who will be influencing her, and how.
Like any parent, I want my daughter to have everything that I didn’t have when I was a girl. I want her to have strong role models as well as outspoken advocates who can teach her to be outspoken herself.
I’ve been speaking about women and feminism for a while here. You might be wondering: what does this have to do with men or boys? After all, I’m writing the for The Good Men Project.
Here’s where men come into the picture. When I hear a man proudly identify himself as a feminist, it moves me to the point of tears. Here is living, breathing proof that my girl could be brought up in a world with as many allies as adversaries. It’s a breath of fresh air, a declaration of allyship. Male feminism is a candle in the window that signifies I have come across a safe house — this person, whomever he is, is safe.
The media loves it when a high-profile person, male or female, calls themselves a feminist. I would argue, though, that when the label is accepted by a good looking, white, hetereosexual male, that’s when people really get all a’ flutter. Thor comes out as a feminist and Buzzfeed does a whole picture story on how much greater Hemsworth’s sex appeal is. Sure, it’s a little White Knight-ish, but it comes from a good place. Marginalized groups like it when the people with all the privilege start acknowledging that the system is corrupt. We like to be able to identify potential comrades.
Those allies are few and far between, however. Though my husband, like most men, I believe, is very supportive and caring, he does not feel comfortable identifying as a feminist. It’s the connotation of the word, he says, that rankles him. It conjures up images of all those man-hating, femi-Nazis that lurk behind their keyboards on online messaging boards, ready to skewer any well-meaning male that tumbles inadvertently over his gender privilege. Our differing schools of thought on what it means to be a feminist, and whether one should or should not identify as one, are a constant source of debate. Despite my feelings and opinions, I empathize with my husband’s position: what does it matter what I call myself (or don’t call myself), so long as my actions are fair?
Men and boys can be feminists. It’s our job as parents to imbue this idea in the minds of our boys. Feminist = equality for all people.
Words have power, though. The power to clearly delineate between a safe person and a potential threat, and the power to embolden others. I want my daughter to be emboldened. And if we are ever blessed with a son, I want him to believe in equality and use his in-born privilege to the uplift those who may be at a disadvantage. Ultimately, I want “feminist” to cease being a buzzword and become a given, so that any time anyone asks my boy “Are you a feminist?”, his reply would be, “Well, yeah. Aren’t you?”
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Photo: Unsplash
Feminism is cancer.
When I said I am not a feminist, I am not talking about “fake feminism” nor “feminazis” nor “man haters”, I am talking about the ideology, and as such its dogmas and contradictions. When you declare yourself in favor of any ideology, you are approving everything about it. When you say “I support women rights to feel safe and to have the same opportunities than men” you are declaring your way of thinking, and that doesn’t make you a feminist. What I don’t like about feminism, among other things, are: – A monochromatic view of History, like every evil is… Read more »
“Now, as a parent and a card-carrying Feminist, I realize that treating girls with “equality” isn’t enough — we have to build them up. Let’s back up for a moment. This isn’t all about girls. Boys, too, need to be supported, educated, and guided to avoid the pitfalls of an overwhelmingly misogynistic culture. In fact, boys are key in this equation. We need to educate young men to treat all people with respect.” So no focus on the misandrist aspects? ” Marginalized groups like it when the people with all the privilege start acknowledging that the system is corrupt.” In… Read more »
Here’s where men come into the picture. When I hear a man proudly identify himself as a feminist, it moves me to the point of tears. Here is living, breathing proof that my girl could be brought up in a world with as many allies as adversaries. It’s a breath of fresh air, a declaration of allyship. Male feminism is a candle in the window that signifies I have come across a safe house — this person, whomever he is, is safe. Notice that men didn’t come into the picture until there was a chance for them to let you… Read more »
Unfortunately, therein lies the greatest fallacy of “feminism”. It is the assumption that feminism is above reproach while holding masculinity as archaic, or toxic, like a tumor to be removed. It is projection based upon the one’s own (or one groups) narrative, a narrative devoid of the contrasting male narrative: not truth, but projection. The very concept of feminism, by its very namesake, morphology, contends that the masculine is somehow either a failed experiment or incapable of egalitarian thought process. It concludes, beyond excising masculinity from culture that we must now rip it, forcefully, from the male himself; that in… Read more »
I was onboard until the part about Chris Hemsworth’s sex appeal getting a boost (as if he somehow needed more) from a feminist Thor, and then this little tendril of doubt slithered into my mind… a vision of the publicly-self-declared-white-male-feminists emerging as some sort social justice fetish object. Even without the “white” qualifier, I find it disquieting. The whole scenario has this subversive quality. Idk, maybe I’m reading too much into it.
“Though my husband, like most men, I believe, is very supportive and caring, he does not feel comfortable identifying as a feminist. It’s the connotation of the word, he says, that rankles him. It conjures up images of all those man-hating, femi-Nazis that lurk behind their keyboards on online messaging boards, ready to skewer any well-meaning male that tumbles inadvertently over his gender privilege.” I, of course, can’t speak for your husband -or for any other person- young or old, male or female, who does not identify with the feminist label (and/or the various presumptions & conceptions which may or… Read more »
Having some trouble with the interface
There’s a lot to unpack here, with many different things bundled in different places. “I grew up learning that everyone should be treated fairly, regardless of sex, color, creed, or anything else. I see now that even if I never especially felt maligned for being a girl, there were opportunities to build me up that my caretakers never took advantage of. Meaning, I was permitted to be anxious, people-pleasing, and quietly insecure, in ways that, had I been born a boy, I might have been forced to overcome… Now, as a parent and a card-carrying Feminist, I realize that treating… Read more »
To be clear, I don’t think it is at all inappropriate for women to work. I have hard the good fortune to work with many amazing women colleagues and bosses. I think women are as capable as men in many fields. But I do believe it is the role of a father to provide for his children – and to secure the present and the future of his kids and his wife.
I am not a feminist but I do believe in equality for all people – irrespective of gender. I don’t agree with many of the other things that are now packaged along with the whole idea of feminism, but I do agree wholeheartedly that everyone deserves to be treated with respect – equal respect, irrespective of gender. Where I differ is in the notion of roles. Men and women can have different roles in society. I don’t think it is healthy, for instance, for women to serve in combat roles where they may be at a disadvantage. I also don’t… Read more »
I do think that if a women is better in a combat role then a man it is morally wrong to send the man.
I see nothing wrong with a stay at home man myself. Out of curiosity why are you opposed?