In an Aikido seminar, Hanshi taught the proper Aikido stance, hanmi. I place my left foot straight in front. I place my right foot at less than 90 degrees to my left foot, shoulder width apart. I stand straight and tall in profile. Hanmi is the foundation of all Aikido technique.
Standing in hanmi, Hanshi said, “Life is in front, and the past is in the back.” That landed profoundly. That’s not just for the attacker striking with the sword or punch. Life is in front of me. When I leave the past in the back, I open up to life.
I fear inside that I’m not good enough, that I don’t deserve love. I got that fear from Dad. Dad got that from his Dad. The sad legacy of abusive parents. Since I was a little boy, Dad terrified me to my soul. I wasn’t the son he wanted. Whatever I did or didn’t do was not good enough for Dad. I was not good enough for him. I was not good enough for me, either.
In Aikido, I enter the attack, enter what I fear. In the center of the attack, I apply the Aikido technique to myself, whether that’s iriminage (clothesline technique to the head) or nikkyo (wristlock). It’s me against me. I’m always my GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) opponent. Aikido Founder O-Sensei said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” I overcome myself, not the attacker. I let go of my own weakness and fear.
Every time I enter the attack, enter what I fear, I let go my fear that I’m not good enough. Although that fear may never completely disappear, every time I enter what the fear, I let go more of my fear inside. I let go of my fear from the past, my fear of Dad. I leave the past fear in the back, not in life. I practice that over, and over, and over, and over again. Practice makes the unnatural, natural.
I’m Godan, 5th degree black belt, in Aikido. I’m far greater at waiting out the attack from some 250-pound dude coming to punch my face than asking a woman I like very much to see a movie and get sushi with me. That’s just me. Just saying.
I open up to the possibility of falling madly and deeply in love. I’m 5’ 3”. I’m not handsome. I’m not particularly rich. In my experience, I’m not what women want. That’s the past. Hanshi said, “… the past is in the back.” I leave the past in the back. I let go of the idea that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. Life is in front. Life is about what’s possible. Just saying.
I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I can’t make a woman I like fall in love with me. That’s her choice. Still, I have a say in what goes on inside me. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I give up being right that I’m not good enough and don’t make myself wrong. Life is in front, what’s ahead. Being right about the past is in the back. I open up. Keep my heart open. Keep moving forward.
I work on myself, not on others. I put my head down and just train. I invent the best version of myself so I can become a good man. Life is in front, the past is in the back. Just saying. Amen.
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