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Welcome to Life With a Side of Disability. Why choose this as a name for a column? Well, it’s been my experience that too many of us with disabilities focus mainly on the disability AS our life and not as PART of our life.
Granted, for some that’s easier than others.
I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a form of high functioning autism. I look at my autism as a part of who I am rather than encompassing all of who I am. Generally. We all have our moments and that’s OK.
For someone with, say, cerebral palsy who is in a wheelchair and requires an aid, it may be much more difficult for that person to separate their life from their disability.
No matter what the disability, the goal is for us all to sit down at a table together so we can break bread, look down at our plates and see our life as the main course and our disability as a side dish, accompanying our life.
We don’t have to like our side dish, heck we don’t even need to eat our side dish, but at least it’s on the side and not the main entrée. If tomorrow serves me brusell sprouts, you know I’m putting my napkin over them or hiding them in some other way.
I want this to be a community where we can comment and share with each other. If you have ideas for things you would like to see written about, let me know. I plan on writing about things facing the developmentally disabled community as a whole, proposed and pending new laws, things that are broken and need to be fixed, legislation and what we can do to self-advocate.
There will also be stories, both personal and from others, just to remind us that we’re not alone in this fight.
When it comes to my personal stories, that’s just what they are. Stories to help explain a point. As someone on the spectrum I look at things factually and logically, so from my viewpoint, I’m giving you the facts.
Please don’t ever take me sharing my experiences as “woe is me,” or that I have bigger problems than others. I fully realize that many, many others have situations worse than me and I hope to be able to share some of those tales with you as well.
There will be no pity parties in this column!
With that as an intro and today being Valentines Day I thought I would share with you my experiences of dating with a service dog.
Eighteen months ago I moved from Southern California to the Ozarks. Yes, on purpose. I had a service dog waiting for me that was to be ready shortly after I moved, a beautiful black lab/boxer mix named Tye, who was rescued from a garbage bag in a dumpster and turned into my constant companion and helper.
I knew my life would change in a lot of ways just by having a service dog. For example, I know when we’re out in public; I pretty much have lost the use of my left hand, as I’m holding onto Tye with it. I had no idea it would affect my dating life.
But it did. And it does.
I purposefully moved to a quiet part of the Ozarks, yet was still in a, by Los Angeles time standards, quick 45 minute trip up Hwy 65, to the “big city” of Springfield, MO, population just over 167,000.
Not being one to go out socializing a lot (it’s an Asperger’s thing). Both before and after getting Tye, I tried online dating with limited success. Once I got my autism service dog, the online game completely shifted.
OK. Not completely shifted, but I definitely felt a shift. After the obligatory messaging on whatever platform you found each other on, you move to text, then talking on the phone and then, maybe, date. Or maybe you stop somewhere along the way because of something that’s said or in some cases perceived to be said.
When I see people in general, it’s clear that they pay more attention to Tye than they do me. I haven’t taken a poll or anything. It’s just an observation.
Online was no better. At no time did I mention Tye in my profile, but I have never had many women respond to my e-mails or reach out to me. And, no, it’s not the purple goatee.
That also means that I communicate with even fewer. After mentioning Tye, only one person kept talking to me but insisted that Tye never comes on a date with her.
And he didn’t. Neither did I.
The bottom line for me is this. I have enough bad dating memories. Some that I wrongfully beat myself up over.
So I don’t need to add more opportunities to get “ghosted” by a woman online after I mention that I have an autism service dog. It’s happened too often.
If I meet someone, awesome. If not, it’s all good.
FYI, being ghosted is where the ditcher goes radio silent on all platforms and with all devices until the ditchee finally realizes they should give up. So they do.
Remember that it made me feel like crap and I said service dogs interfering with life is way at the bottom of the Disability Problem list. Take those crappy feelings and crank ‘em up to as many as 50 times for people with other disabilities.
A person on the high end of the spectrum with a service dog is nothing compared to the majority of disabled people.
The disabled want pretty much the same thing as the whole of society and that’s to have that special someone in their life. The only thing is, most of us come with an owners manual and in some cases, very strict routines and constant maintenance.
It can be overwhelming.
It isn’t all bad. Let me leave you with a happy story.
I was recently at an event for the developmentally disabled and parents of children who are developmentally disabled and I met someone who was in a wheelchair. After we chatted for a few moments, their fiancée walked up and I was introduced to them as well.
We talked a bit, but as the next couple of days went on, I watch the interaction between the two of them. I was really happy that they found each other because it seemed that they were truly happy and were a great match for each other.
Even though I’ve chosen to stop dating online and accepted the fact that I can be single the rest of my days, watching the couple still made me want what they had, or at least something similar.
Whether or not we have a disability, life is what is most important and parts of life are romantic relationships.
We have the ability to find someone who cares for us, as we are, however, we have to help the rest of society overcome the stigma they face for being with a person who is different than they are. It’s scary for some of them to be seen with us.
I can understand why. My psychologist once called me, “a certain kind of special,” and I am.
I don’t come with as many hurdles as others, but no matter how many hurdles you have to overcome, everyone deserves to be loved and to love.
That’s where we come in. We all have to help spread the word, that we’re worth those hurdles and that we have a lot to offer a relationship. Get on podcasts, blog, You-Tube or whatever Snap-Insta-Chat thing you do and let people know that we’re people first and our disability is simply a part of why you are.
It does not define you.
Yes, there are likely to be more compromises in the relationship than normal, but isn’t love about making compromises?
Be proud of who you are, the way you are and never let anyone tell you you’re something less. Let’s show the world that first and foremost we’re people and that our disabilities are just a part of who we are.
I would guess that if enough of us adopt that attitude, things would change sooner rather than later.
I hope next year I can write a different Valentines Day post and I hope many others with disabilities can tell different stories. Happier stories.
Because ultimately, we’re people and a happy ending is what we deserve. With or without a disability.
Here are a pair of posts you may enjoy.
How I’m Autistic But Don’t Have Autism
How Anxiety Affects My Asperger’s Syndrome
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