There’s enough blame to go around. But the real question is how we can support men to keep them from becoming abusive.
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I’ve no doubt that many men in the UK are, like me, depressed by what seems to be an steady stream of news stories recently about sexual abuse of women and children. The case of a gang from Rotherham in the North of England is the most recent and possibly most shocking example—shocking because of the scale of the abuse, the apparent disinterest and lack of support for victims from police, social services and the other people whose job was supposed to be to protect children, and because of the likelihood that there are and/or have been similar patterns of abuse and indifference in other parts of the U.K.
The problem is too prevalent, and the results and damage done too severe, to put it off any longer.
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This was obviously not a rare or one off pattern of activity by predatory men abusing vulnerable female victims, so we can’t avoid the question any longer. How or why can ANY man actually get turned on and gratified by abusing and damaging a child? We urgently need research which can provide an ‘explanation’ for this, and some ideas about what can be done about it, rather than looking the other way from a mixed feeling of shame and helplessness, or just calling perpetrators ‘evil’, an easy category which offers no useful insight or understanding into the true motivation for their behaviour.
Violence, including sexual violence and abuse is a kind of illness which needs to be recognised and understood so that a cure can be found. At the moment, we are at the stage of physicians in the 1700’s who had no understanding of how disease was transmitted, other than some fanciful theories, and so were totally ineffectual in preventing it. The problem is too prevalent, and the results and damage done too severe, to put it off any longer.
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Meanwhile, we revile the damaged individuals who commit this kind of abuse, perhaps getting some satisfaction from feeling that, however much of a mess we may be in…at least we’re not “that bad”! But maybe these abusers are in some ways just extreme versions of the predominant way that male sexuality, and our ambivalent relationship with ‘femininity’, is shaped and expressed in our culture (and many others, unfortunately). Because of a fear of not living up to social expectations about ‘manhood’, it is hard for many ‘normal’ men to feel freely able to experience and express the range of emotions which would let them be fully human. Living with the continuous pain of being cut off from an essential part of their emotional life may lead some men to feel so fearful and stressed, even inadequate, that they react in extreme ways which are damaging to others, and ultimately to themselves.
if we insist on our right to be our true selves we may give them the ‘permission’ they need to change and begin to be free of the constraints of the ‘man box’, with a reduction in any need they might have to ‘prove’ themselves using violence or abuse.
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Just as thin models are notoriously not representative of most women, which can make many women feel inadequate and depressed, with unquantified negative consequences for their relationships and their mental well being, so most men feel as if they fall short of the macho ideals represented as heroic in contemporary cultural myths, with inevitable damaging effects on their attitudes and behaviours in the ways indicated above..
Hopefully the media world will catch up soon to a better understanding of the fuller range of ways in which a ‘real’ man might think and act, but in the meantime each of us can encourage that process by insisting on being true to, and expressing, our full range of feelings, without worrying if other men will try to shame us for that. We need to recognise that shaming is rooted in their own fear and envy, and if we insist on our right to be our true selves we may give them the ‘permission’ they need to change and begin to be free of the constraints of the ‘man box’, with a reduction in any need they might have to ‘prove’ themselves using violence or abuse.
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Photo: Getty Images
There’s enough blame to go around. But the real question is how we can support men to keep them from becoming abusive. By showing men the same compassion/sympathy/empathy that is constantly asks of us. You can’t get far without coming across a campaign, an article, a post, or something promoting the idea that men must learn to have compassion/sympathy/empathy for women and understand their experiences. But you can get pretty far without seeing efforts to extend that consideration to men as well. I think a good start is to start taking the abuse and mistreatment of boys as seriously as… Read more »
Steve
I share your worries.
But I disagree that we lack research and knowledge.I mean, I do not mean I know the research but it is there .
What happened in Rotherham also had religion ,and ethnicity as additional factors .
Lots and lots are know about why persons ( both adults and children) ,sexually abuse children.
Still the problem seems enormous and never ending.
“England is the most recent and possibly most shocking example—shocking because of the scale of the abuse, the apparent disinterest and lack of support for victims from police, social services and the other people whose job was supposed to be to protect children, and because of the likelihood that there are and/or have been similar patterns of abuse and indifference in other parts of the U.K.” Their supposed disinterest and lack of support was bought and paid for with cash as well as their own direct involvement. The only other explanation is that municipalities in England just randomly hire people… Read more »
How or why can ANY man actually get turned on and gratified by abusing and damaging a child? Women also. It is unconscionable, and that is how we have to view it across the board. I’ve read different opinions on the subject. They all conclude that the recidivism rate for a pedophile is extremely high. Some have claimed near 100%. I know that the average count for a male rapist in America is 6 to 7 (depending on the study). There are experts here that can better explain that aspect. There was a group of black clergy, in Detroit, that… Read more »