I just read an article about an initiative in South Africa called the Young Men Movement, which creates “safe spaces for men to talk about their feelings” with the ultimate aim of reducing violence against women. This is a laudable effort that has been replicated in various forms and contexts including on my college campus. As I alluded to on day 18 of this series, while men do have feelings, many have difficulty sharing them; therefore, safe spaces — while oft-associated with women and other marginalized groups — are also necessary for men.
Just to be clear, creating a safe space refers to emotional safety. I think of it as a place where an individual can say anything without fear of rejection or reprisal. The caveat is that it is not a place for attention-seeking, competitiveness, or other behaviors detrimental to the group — it’s a place to share feelings of shame, fear, anger, uncertainty and dark secrets that otherwise wouldn’t see the light of day. At worst, this is good practice for when a man embarks on an emotional roller coaster otherwise known as an intimate relationship. At best, it is an opportunity for personal transformation and enlightenment.
Those of us men who are very emotional and identify as such are often met with resistance. Inspired by the work of Eve Ensler, I often declare that I, too, am an “emotional creature.” Yet, as I have heard many social critics assert, men are shunned for displaying emotions that go against the stereotype of the stoic patrician who may get angry at times but never shows (weaker) emotions such as shame, fear, uncertainty, or even empathy. While I have had my share of criticism from men for daring to express these emotions, my most painful rebukes came from women. On several occasions, I was praised by intimate partners for my emotional sensitivity while punished for actually expressing emotions that were deemed either too heavy or too soft.
I cannot help but think that well-meaning women who seek out a man for an emotional connection do not always realize that it is a two-way street: they assume they do not need to support a man emotionally because they do not believe a man has the same emotions (and emotional needs) as they do. I would imagine that a lot of men buy into this falsehood and do not even realize when they are being emotionally neglected by their partners. They fail to seek such a connection in the first place.
Emotion knows no gender. It’s biological and neurological at its foundation, but the way it is expressed is shaped by society, culture, and upbringing. I was raised mostly by women, and I was allowed to cry when I skinned my knee. I wasn’t scolded or shamed for it — although I was playfully ridiculed after the fact for my grandiose responses, such as “my whole day is ruined.” When I got turned down for a date, failed a test, or got into an argument with a friend, I allowed myself to experience the emotions that came with those events and (often) discussed them with those I trusted.
I am a better man today because of it.
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Male Stereotype Number One: Men Don’t Cry
Male Stereotype Number Two: Men Don’t Ask for Directions
Male Stereotype Number Three: Men are Competitive
Male Stereotype Number Four: Men Don’t Cook
Male Stereotype Number Five: Men are Warriors
Male Stereotype Number Six: Men Are Clumsy
Male Stereotype Number Seven: Men Are Aggressive
Male Stereotype Number Eight: Men are Either Good or Evil
Male Stereotype Number Nine: Men Can’t Be Friends with Women
Male Stereotype Number Ten: Men are Strong
Male Stereotype Number 11: Men are Breadwinners
Male Stereotype Number 12: Men Don’t Refuse Sex
Male Stereotype Number 13: Men ‘Manspread’
Male Stereotype Number 14: Men ‘Mansplain’
Male Stereotype Number 15: Men Don’t Listen
Male Stereotype Number 16: Men Are Better Drivers
Male Stereotype Number 17: Men Like Porn
Male Stereotype Number 18: Men Don’t Do Therapy
Male Stereotype Number 19: Men Can’t Handle Commitment
Male Stereotype Number 20: Men Aren’t Feminists
Male Stereotype Number 21: Men Like Guns
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