It’s tough always being the man in your marriage.
Guys often tell me they are asked to be the man by their wives who claim to need more of this and less of that.
“Pay attention to my needs and do that man thing you do so I can feel what I need to feel!”.
I wrote a recent article about it where I described what many women want when they say “I need you to be the man in our marriage.”
Then comes an obvious question from a married guy.
What the hell? Do I get to tell her I need her to be the woman?
Good question. This is what I told him.
Damn right you do. You have every right to express your needs and explain to her how it feels when she is being a woman who meets those needs. Why the heck not? Because it feels a little scary, doesn’t it? You can’t do it if you’re not feeling strong. An emotionally strong man can say what he wants, what he needs and what he expects because he doesn’t give a f*ck what she thinks about it.
He cares deeply about her feelings, thoughts and dreams. He just doesn’t care how she reacts to his.
And, oddly, women kind of like that guy. Not an ass. Not a jerk. Just a guy who is so emotionally strong and comfy in his own skin that fear of her – fear of discomfort – fear of rejection are not on his radar.
He likes and respects himself more than he needs her to like and respect him. And because of that he can ask for whatever it is he needs without fear.
A guy like that is irresistible to women. She assumes he can stand up to her. He can handle her emotions. Protect her. Not only can he take her rollercoaster of storms – he can take her when he wants to.
“Yeah, right. That won’t work. She knows me too well.”
You didn’t ask me to help you “make something work”. You asked me if you could speak up for yourself and tell her what you need.Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
Those are two different questions.
The problem with many husbands these days (I was one) is that they are overly invested in “what works” – focused on a particular outcome – avoiding failure.
The most important thing about being an emotionally strong man is that you truly don’t give f*ck if it’s “working” or not.
The outcome is never as important as your investment in becoming a man who boldly asks for what he wants and creates the life he wants. The consequences of becoming that man in your marriage are uncertain. Don’t let uncertainty paralyze you from being who you’ve always wanted to be.
A husband who walks on eggshells creates much more tension and uncertainty than one who refuses to.
How to Become a No-Eggshell Walking Bad Ass
This is the only remedy known to man.
You become emotionally strong by working with other men. Talking, thinking, working, laughing and even crying with other men. Initiated men who have already crushed a million eggshells and found a much easier way.
Seriously working with other men is like an “emotional gym” where we get to build muscle and strength. It creates clarity and with that comes a change in perspective. And with that comes confidence.
With confidence comes decisions. That allows inspired action.
These are the actions of a man who experiences his well-being not by “what’s working” or how she is reacting to him. His well-being is already inside of him – always has been- always will be.
To feel it, all he needs to do is learn to laugh at the eggshells and walk on the path he was meant to travel. The outcome will take care of itself.
What’s “Be the Woman” Mean to You?
Let’s play in the comments section.
If you were to say, “I need you to be the woman in our relationship”…share what that specifically means to you.
I’ll join in with my two cents too.
My new book Straight Talk Tools for the Desperate Husband will help you to lead yourself and your relationship back to good health. Understand why your partner acts the way she does toward you and learn how to lead your life in the direction you want it to go. You CAN have the relationship you want, fulfilling all your desires while maintaining love and respect.
I wrote a free e-book to help men learn how to lose their fear and be more bold in their marriage to create the love and connection they want. Get The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage HERE
Photo Ian Smith/Flickr