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We will be celebrating our 14th wedding anniversary this week, and I can say without a doubt that despite the problems that come with periods of joblessness and raising two kids to maturity, the thing that has had the biggest influence on our marriage has been pain.
So, I have two sets of tips. The first set of tips is for supporting someone you love who has chronic pain. The second set of tips are practical suggestions for how to support a woman in an episode of critical pain, like just after she has had major surgery or a serious injury.
1. I think that it is important to think of pain as your common enemy, not as a part of your wife or baggage that comes with her. It is something outside of both of you that impacts both of you and that can kill your marriage.
2. If your wife is anything like mine, she will try to hide her pain from you. She does it for two reasons: one, she does not want to be a wuss or a whiner. Second, she knows that her in pain is distressing for those that she loves, so she hides it from us.
3. Because women in chronic pain have to be good at ignoring their own pain, their maximum sneaks up on them and on you. Trust me when I say that you do not want to be surprised by your wife’s pain. The wall of pain will hit her hard, and if you are lucky she will end up snapping at your or the kids. If you are unlucky, she will collapse into sobs that will break your heart to hear. Before I learned to read the signs in my wife, it would seem like her breaking point would come out of nowhere. We tried to get her to tell us when she was coming up on her limit, but she only notices about 30 percent of the time, and that is after years of coaching and encouraging.
4. To avoid a pain-storm, be on the look-out for non-verbal clues of increased pain. My wife who is normally a font of cheerful patter gets quieter the further into pain that she goes because she does not want her voice to betray her pain. She holds her body more rigid, trying not to limp and holds her breath, taking one long rasping breath for every three that I take. There is also a look of grim determination that settles in her eyes, even if she is smiling.
5. When you note the non-verbal clues of increased pain, reflect them back to her. Ask that she put her pain on a scale from 1-10, but make note if she tends to tip to one side of the scale. My wife has had a C-section without anesthesia, so that is her 10. She rated a compound broken bone where I could see a jagged bone tip protruding through the skin of her ankle as a five. So know how she rates things. When you determine that she is in rising pain, encourage her to move towards a place where she can rest and take medication. Remind her how much the pain storm will cost her. If it is worth it for her to continue, then so be it. Do what you can to support her.
6. Chronic pain does not mean that the person has the same level of pain every day or even at various times in the day. So encourage her to put the fun stuff first. If she has enough energy and pain relief to do a quick trip out and about, encourage her to go someplace fun rather than the grocery store
7. Don’t let her “should” on herself—beat herself up for what she cannot do. Argue back when she expresses guilt or sets impossible expectations for herself. When my wife tells me that she is a bad mother because she couldn’t stand in the rain beside a soccer field, I remind her of all the other ways that she has been there for our kids. Encourage her to tell significant people in her life such as her boss and co-worker that her life is significantly impacted by pain. Remind her that stating the truth is not the same as complaining and it does not make her a whiner.
8. One of my early ways of dealing with my wife’s chronic pain was to encourage my wife not to do things that caused her pain. Then I realized that if she avoided all activities that caused her pain, she would never do anything. Let her grit her teeth and get through pain for things that are important to her, even if it kills you to watch her do it. And trust your wife if she says that she wants to have sex even while in pain. Sometimes and in some women, arousal can do wonders to offer temporary relief from pain.
9. Women in chronic pain are used to working through pain, distracting themselves, minimizing etc. They play mind games that help them get around it. But this means that they pay less attention to their bodies than other women do. In some cases, this makes it harder for the woman to get aroused. In my wife’s case, it makes her really really clumsy. I used to try to help her by saying things like “Your toes and nose should be pointed in the same direction as the location you are placing an object like a glass.” That really isn’t helpful. We have compromised: for things my wife knows are important to me, like lifting and carrying food, (I love her cooking and when it gets spilled all over the kitchen floor, I am in pain) she agrees as a favor to me to allow me to do those things. And, I keep plenty of Band-aids, ice packs and other things for the rest.
10. The key thing to remember is that pain builds even while you are managing to ignore it. The longer your wife is in pain, the more of it she experiences and the less she can block it out. So what would be an objective level 5 pain your wife can block out to make it a level 2. But when she is no longer able to block it, it will come back as 6-8. Beware of this whiplash phenomenon.
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Post-surgical or other high pain events:
1. If at all possible prepare ahead of time. Nursing a person in pain is more than just sitting beside them; there is a lot to do. If you are organized, it will help a great deal. Here is what you will want at a minimum:
>>Pre-made shakes that come in individual portions like Slim-fast. The reason is that narcotic pain medication must be taken with food or it will cause severe gastric distress. In the middle of the night, this is the best solution because it is readily available. Also, the fiber in these drinks will help with the constipation caused by narcotic pain medication.
>>A thermometer to look for any fever spikes
>>A notebook to record pain levels, fever and time of pain medication. Don’t be ashamed to tie a pencil to it. You would be surprised how chaotic it can get.
>>A minimum of two ice packs. I prefer to use the old-fashioned round and floppy hot water bottles because they are strong, but you can use Ziploc freezer bags if you wish. The mixture that I like best is two parts water to 1 part rubbing alcohol. I am told that in a pinch you can use 1/3 cup of 80 proof vodka for two cups water, although I have never tried that. You want those frozen in advance.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free>>Ask to get her prescriptions for pain medication before the surgery that way you are not having to leave her to run out and get them. I nearly totaled my car trying to get my wife’s pain medication, and that delay meant she went into one of the most frightening pain storms that I have ever seen.
>>A timer or alarm clock. You think you will remember when the next dose will be. But don’t trust that.
2. Advocate for your partner even before she comes home. Do whatever you need to to keep her as pain free as possible while she is hospitalized. Make sure that they don’t send her home in pain, otherwise the trip will be hell. And be sure that you understand the discharge instructions thoroughly. Put the number that she is supposed to call in case she has problems in your cell-phone so there is no mad scramble trying to find the phone number.
3. Your primary job is to help your partner avoid a pain storm. They feel unmanageable and you can do nothing more than watch helplessly as your partner writhes in pain. Two secondary jobs you may want to take on are helping her groom to whatever extent makes her feel better and monitoring medication side-effects. Narcotic pain medication makes many people extremely constipated. During the fuzzy days immediately post-surgery, your wife may not notice and it could end up being a week. You don’t even want to think about how that kind of constipation is resolved. So, keep that on your radar.
4. You have two weapons to help you keep a pain storm at bay: controlling swelling and managing pain.
5. You control swelling through ice and by religious use of whatever anti-inflammatory her doctor prescribes. This will be something like a high dose of ibuprofen and will be prescribed in addition to a narcotic pain reliever. Many people mistakenly think that the only purpose of this anti-inflammatory is so that they have something to wean themselves onto as they get off the narcotic pain medication. It is very important to give this medication on time and every time. For the first three days, every time you are awake, rotate ice twenty minutes on and twenty minutes off. This will make a world of difference.
6. Set an alarm for the middle of the night and give your beloved her pain medication then as well. I had thought that obviously my wife needed her rest and I could just let her sleep until she woke on her own. The problem is that what wakes her is pain, and it usually takes almost two hours to get her pain down to a tolerable level if we deviate from the prescribed schedule.
7. Doctors are not prescribing real pain medication that much anymore, so you may be tempted to skip doses during the early days if she is feeling better. I do not encourage this. It takes twice as pain medication to get a person out of a pain storm as it does to prevent the storm from happening.
8. Here are a few things you should know about post-surgical pain. It is always worse at night than during the day. It peaks the evening of the second day you come home from the hospital. Coincidentally, that is the time when most of us expect to feel better. So this huge disparity between what we think we should feel and what we actually feel can make a person recovering feel that desperate and hopeless. It helps a lot if you can remind her that this is the worst it will ever get.
9. I hope that you do not reach a place of un-managed pain, but if you do, here are some tricks that I have learned for helping a person get through the worst part of a pain storm. What you want to do is temporarily flood her nerves with other novel sensations that make it harder for her brain to record all of the pain signals. You have to change the sensation at least every twenty seconds for it to have any impact.
10. My wife usually has surgery on her lower legs, and here is the routine that I use if she hits a pain storm: I squeeze spots higher on her leg until I hit the same nerve that is screaming further below. You know you have found the spot when for about five seconds she experiences less pain. On that spot, I alternate between a firm grip, running the tines of a comb or a fork in swirls and light slapping (the latter was at her insistence.) Occasionally, I will mix in a few seconds of ice if one of those has lost its edge. This is rather exhausting, since you must change every 10 to 20 seconds. But it can help bridge the time between the onset of severe pain and pain medication kicking in.
11. Encourage her to make whatever sound she needs to make or approximate that breathing women are supposed to do in childbirth. Anything to keep her from holding her breath. When she holds her breath, her body tightens in on itself and that increases pain over the long run.
12. Above all, don’t be shy about calling her doctor. And be willing to do the talking. Many patients are anxious telling their doctors about their pain and will suffer rather than pick up the phone.
13. Control access to your wife based on your wife’s wishes, and especially her level of introversion or extroversion.My best friend’s wife is a social butterfly. So when she recently had a mastectomy, she wanted everyone there. When my wife is in pain, she doesn’t even want her own mother in the room. She wants me, a firmly closed door and darkened room. My job is to not allow her to guilt herself into allowing visitors when she is not up to it. Here is the tricky thing: If you are new to the relationship or if you haven’t been that close lately, your wife may want someone else’s care. It sucks, but suck it up and be there for her in whatever way she will allow.
There is nothing that makes me feel as helpless as watching my wife suffer. I would far rather just absorb the pain myself.
But I have discovered that while going away physically or emotionally may be less painful for me, it is selfish and actually adds to my wife’s suffering. Being strong for her does not mean hiding my feelings. In fact, my tears of frustration and pain often give her validation or permission to express her own emotions. All that being a husband and a good man requires that I stay by her side in body, mind and heart and that I do what is within my power to ease her pain, offer her comfort and support her.
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Informative article for helping my loved one following stomach surgery. Your article comprehensive, insightful, shows your many faceted love
How about discussion on emotional pain caused by the husband because he cheated on her or he igores her and pays more attention to his friends than being a good husband and provider?
My wife has SEVERAL auto-immune disorders that surfaced shortly after our marriage. She is an excellent mother and very supportive. She cannot go into the direct sunlight or spend too much time in the cold. She complains incessantly and always looks and acts mopey. I have no doubt she suffers from depression and I believe she suffers from Munchausen Syndrome. I know what my wedding vows said, ‘in sickness and in health’ but I did not sign up for this. This behavior is draining the life and joy right out of me. How much can a person take, and am… Read more »
Tell her how it makes you feel, when she “complains” ask her point blank what you could do to help to rewire her brain to search for solutions. Realize that disorders and chronic pain are extremely isolating, at the end of the day she is the one feeling that pain…you only have to listen to her verbalize it. Focus on the good about her, when she is upset remind yourself that she is supportive to those around her and her complaints are cries of despair. Also, a caregiver role is hard, when you’re having a tough time, plan to go… Read more »
Been there and lived through it. I withdrew and stopped talking. We stayed together, and now that things are improving physically, not back to what they were though, I’m paying for it. I kept offering to go to counseling. Finally she agreed. It recently came out how I did withdraw and how much that hurt her. How much I screwed up and left her feeling alone when she needed love and support the most. The old saying, its hardest to love those in times you like them least, is so true. I don’t have a life changing answer to make… Read more »
This is perfect, and so helpful and absolutely true!! I wish I had this kind of devotion and care during my pain events!
This is the most sexist, patronising and misguided drivel ever
or not! I think its a wonderful insight and understanding into how his wife is feeling. Do you have chronic pain? I do and what this man is saying is exactly the understanding someone who suffers with pain needs (male or female) My husband is like this man and I feel very lucky to have him in my life. suffering with chronic pain is very difficult and women often down play the pain they are in (I can’t speak for men as I am a woman) but my husband has seen me crying with pain and he does everything in… Read more »
could you please say how it is
a) sexist
b) patronising
c) misguided
d) drivel
My wife has had chronic back pain, and refuses surgery. I really don’t blame her. I don’t think I would do it if our roles were reversed. I purchased a brace at MondayMedical.com. The only reason I’m mentioning this is that I saved over $500.00 I hope this helps others, because back pain is horrible and medical grade braces are expensive.
I don’t relate to this post but wish I did. My husband can easily watch me in literal agony and just go on about why I am doing what I am doing. He has never ever cared about my pain when I’m almost passing out. -Ana
Wish I could relate too. I’ve been married 30 years now and sex stopped 6 years ago with no external intimacy. It was nice to see a husband who cared for his wife. I’ve been in pain since my mid 30s and I will be turning 53 soon. Congratulations on trying.
I am 45 and have not had sex in a year! No intimacy no caring. I have lost all hope. This is my 3rd marriage. I have 2 herniated discs… just found out after MONTHS of pain. I have never felt so alone.
I get that! My husband screams at me because I can’t sleep because of my pain.. I am keeping him up! I feel betrayed. I am a caregiver by profession. I am sickened by his lack of caring. We don’t talk for DAYS.
I feel for you Anastaysha, mine is the same he will leave me on the floor struggling for breath and go to bed..i told him one day he will come downstairs and find me dead, and i hope he will be able to live with himself. I wish all the best for you and hope you find some comfort xx
Thank you. I recently had two incidents with only a day in between where I just felt like I had to get away. I was really sad and felt trapped 🙁 I didn’t understand why blew up and left my spouse alone until I read this article. I guess trying to block the pain and holding back from crying in from of him was more than I could handle. After I left I cried hysterically. I wanted to close my eyes and for time to fly by into far far into the future or the past. Afterwards, I didn’t know… Read more »
Thank you for your very compassionate article on “23 Tips for Men supporting a Partner in Chronic Pain”. My partner of 28 years Gary Lynch, has been absolutely INCREDIBLE in taking care of me for the last, almost three decades… More people will benefit from your very compassionate view on this issue thanks to you speaking up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for speaking out Peter. #TogetherWeWILLMakeADifference Respectfully, Alison Myrden xx Federal Medical Cannabis Exemptee in Canada since 1994 http://www.AlisonMyrden.com/ Retired Law Enforcement Officer Joint Host The PACE Radio Show on Lifestyle Radio http://pace-online.ca/the-pace-radio-show.html Speaker for LPP… Read more »
This is the guidance I’ve been needing. My girlfriend is in the grocery store right now…
Supporting spouse with chronic pain
Thank you!
I was going to ask why the presumed heteronormativity? Why is this advice only for husbands? My wife is my caregiver (& yes, I have chronic pain) and would like to read this article and see herself reflected in it
Actually, this is one of the most helpful texts that I’ve ever read. It’s exponentially impactful because the idea is based on personal experience rather than some of the well-meaning yet not always most relative articles from a professional medical perspective!!! Indeed, I do believe that the world would certainly be much more improved if there were more individuals & insight shared from similar experiences & viewpoints!! After consulting the recommendation by the author, as a female in my late 30’s with chronic health conditions almost all my life, to break down sobbing & did cause pain as I short… Read more »
As a male sufferer of ehlers-danlos syndrome, I have to ask the question, why is it that this article is written exclusively for males to be the respectful one? I dealt with a dismissive and disrespectful wife for 5 years while my condition continued to deteriorate. I didn’t /don’t ‘look sick’, and worked 2 full time jobs, 7 days per week, minimum 12 hours per day to keep her in a lifestyle to which she determined she deserved, because i LOVED HER (hell, i still do in some sad way) even as she denigrated my masculinity, and yet every article… Read more »
So true! Some women do need a bit of guidance in a different fashion to help there men who are dealing with a chronic pain illness. Sorry this article wasn’t the one for you. As a wife dealing with many illnesses wrapped up in my disability it took my hubby years to accept it and understand it as best he could. He now helps me beautifully and I know I am not only lucky but blessed as I know not many spouses man or woman are able to do all that. Hope you find something that might help your situation… Read more »
I guess this article was exclusively written from the viewpoint of a male supporter of a female sufferer because that is the author’s personal experience. It is as simple as that. I understand that you are frustrated, given your circumstances but that does not change anything why this author felt he wanted to share his own experience and give helpful tips to others. You sound very angry, which seems not to necessarily come from a gender specific article you have read but you transfer your frustration on it. I am sure, you can find another article with reversed roles somewhere… Read more »
Why not write that article yourself? Most people write from their own perspective.
Leni that was perfectly worded. I’m saddened you were in such a one sided relationship. We can’t choose who we love. I hope you find someone who is deserving of your love and that she reciprocates the love you have for her to you.
Kick that wife to the curb and find a real woman.
I agree, both me and my husband have chronic pain and sometimes it is hard to tell who needs to be taken care of and who is the most functional. We both try to reign back on the other when overdoing it and try to push each other to have fun or keep moving through the depression that likes to creep up. To be fair though, this man is just writing from his perspective and what works in his relationship.
Wow, you need to be cloned! This is a wonderful article. Thank you.
I wish the author would also write about the other kinds of help that a wife in chronic pain needs and that is help around the house. Maybe for the author this is a given and he couldn’t imagine a loving husband who would not help around the house while his spouse is suffering. My husband thinks that working is his on responsibility in life. He doesn’t have children to take care of…. Except one sweet low maintenance fur baby. My sister who has 4 kids, a household of her own and many more responsibilities I life than my husband… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing this article. Myself and my partner have found it very helpful and insightful. I am only 24 and have had chronic pain for 3 years. The first two years it was localized to my neck and shoulders, but the last year it has spread all over. Being as young as we are and having to miss out on things like traveling, amusement parks, bowling, sand volleyball, etc. is very tough. And not knowing when or if it will ever go away is very hard to deal with. I have been blessed with a significant… Read more »
oh boy do I wish my husband could read this. He probably does 10% of the things you described. I only wish you had said something about help keeping up with the housework and cooking. After 4 years of being in pain (the lowest I can manage to get to is a 5) and he is still waiting for me to get up and clean the house and make meals. He doesn’t do anything but work and play video games while I suffer alone in my bed. He eats pizza every night. He is fine with that. My problem is… Read more »
Becka- when my pain flairs up so bed i am bedridden for weeks/months i hire people to come in and clean and help me out. If you live in a larger town-there is delivery. you may even qualify for meals on wheels or helping angel types of organizations. you don’t have to live alone to get help. Keep a small fridge and microwave in your room. Ask local churches for help. If hubby smells your home cooked goodies or delivery chinese food you wont have to eat apples and he can eat his boring pizza. grocery stores will deliver food… Read more »
Please get rid of this man.you said yourself that he does nothing anyway. Do not make any excuses, there are real men out there. I am sure your sister will support you. Being in chronic pain is depressing in itself you do not need him to add more.
Thank you. Both my husband and I have chronic pain. This article goes both ways! I’m going to make sure he reads it as well. With both of us being in pain, there’s a tendency for us to pick up each other’s slack. If I’m having a good day or week I’ll do cooking and cleaning. Wash the dishes before going to bed so he doesn’t wake to a dirty kitchen. When I’m having a bad day or week, he picks up the slack. On those times we’re both in bad pain we do together what we can and say… Read more »
This is 1 of the most beneficial articles I’ve ever read & it’s exponentially impactful because it’s from personal experience rather then some of the well meaning yet not always most relative articles from a professional medical perspective!!! The world would be much more improved if there were more individuals & insight shared from similar experiences & view points!! After reading this, as a female in my late 30’s with chronic health conditions almost all my life, to break down sobbing & did cause pain as I short circuited it because I want to try to get back into a… Read more »
In relation to your article “23 Tips For Men on Supporting a Partner with Chronic Pain” of 12 April 2013, I wish to thank you for being such an attentive, caring and thoughtful husband to your wife. Also I wish to thank you Pete Beisner, for writing this article, which I came across on a friend of a friends Facebook page, despite your being a person “who works in the field of information technology … has a bachelor’s degree, two master’s degrees and hates writing.” My husband has also served in the armed forces, works in the field of IT,… Read more »
The power of this message and insight, is unreal. Being the wife with the chronic pain and not knowing how to help myself at times let alone explaining to my husband how to help, this article is incredible. You have put something in to words that I am positive took times of frustration, anger, hopelessness, and all the other negitive things we associate with chronic pain, and you not only had the heart and soul to be proactive, but to share this, plain and simple is a gift to any couple that deals with chronic pain. This is such a… Read more »
Thank you, Pete, for sharing this article from the caregiver’s point of view. Like you, I’ve been providing caer for my wife, who also suffers from chronic pain, for years. I would add just one thing: husbands, boyfriends, fiancés, whoever you are: make sure you take care of yourself, too. The rigors of providing care on that level for such a long time can threaten your relationship and your own sanity unless you do your best to keep your own sanity in the face of knowing your loved one is in constant pain. Your best bet is to find a… Read more »
Dave, you have an excellent point. Too many times my husband forgets to take time for himself. I’ve felt I’ve robbed him of fun time. I do encourage him to visit family and friends but he won’t without me. I’ve tried talking him into going out to shoot poll or just out to eat with his friends, it’s a no go. He doesn’t realize it but it makes everyone think I’m the bad person because he declines to do things with them. He needs his alone time, he needs to be able to clear his head. I shared this page… Read more »
My husband n I are seperated, I’m feeling as though he needs to just move on to be happy. I’m to much of a burden. Reading this I felt maybe it was a answer to a prayer if he will read it, but I sent it to him a few days ago & I doubt he will. I wait days to go to the ER to find out I need surgery I’ve had 65+ kidneystones, I’ve left the hospital because he didn’t want to stay n he was upset it was taking to long. I suffer in pain because the… Read more »
Some I didn’t realize others I knew. Good reading…. Thank you
Bless you. I didn’t even realise I do half that stuff.