Let’s face it. This whole shut the government down thing? This is about angry white guys.
Yes, I realize there is a lot of talk about Obamacare, and the Constitution and death panels and corporations getting a twelve month pass and all that, but really and truly? This is about angry white men, who, more and more lately, just can’t “get er done” anymore in national elections. Which, not surprisingly, makes them mad (er).
Why can’t they win national elections? Because they simply don’t have the votes any more. What was once a simple matter of being angry and white has turned into something much more complex. In the past, all you had to do was get mad at women, immigrants, taxes, science and liberals and then sit back and watch the votes pour in. And the more elections white guys won, the angrier they got. When George Bush won for the second time, they got so mad they had steam coming out of their ears. Dick Cheney, the Odin/Zeus/Freddy Krueger of angry white men had to have his pacemaker replaced weekly because he was so mad at winning. Doctors followed him around and every time he started another war, they had to pop in a new ticker. And angry white guys loved him for it. Because, they were mad about winning, too. They swarmed in huge packs behind him on their medicare funded scooters and cheered every time he hated somebody. Because President Bush had won the damn election so angry white men were LIVID. I mean, he WON right? I’m here to tell you, winning twice made them soooo mad.
But then, something even more angry-making happened. The number of angry white voters began to decline. Maybe the really old wrinkly white guys started kicking the bucket. I don’t know. But something happened. The result was, they couldn’t quite win Florida or Ohio any more. Not even from a black guy. Even when they used every voter suppression trick in the book.
This did not go over well. Some people started thinking maybe all the wars and crazy tax breaks for the rich and global warming and over priced sports stadiums was getting a little out of hand so they stopped voting for angry white candidates. Even black angry white candidates, regardless of how many times Karl Rove told them to. And that made the angry white men CRAZY ANGRY. Their poor wives got so angry their faces puffed all up. Or was that just age? We may never know.
And then, it happened. The numbers of angry white men declined to the point that the remaining angry white men collapsed like a dying star into a super dense mass of white hot angry called the Tea Party and they started sucking up all of the GOP political will around them like a black hole of whiteness.
And so we stand here today. Witness to the last stages of a angry white male flame out. It’s like they burned up all their Fox News hydrogen and now the Tea Party dwarf star is consuming the very mass of its own Chevy Suburban self. Tea Party leaders like Ted Cruz are running around the capital, their rhetorical hair on fire, yelling about how the President won’t “come to the table and talk.” Come to the “crazy flaming table of white hot lemming rage,” you mean? And why should he? Any sane person would want to put a little distance between himself and collapsing black holes of angry entitled whiteness. Cause they totally suck.
So, its pretty much over. Yeah, angry white men can still shut down the government every few years and they can all still go to Denny’s carrying their AR-15 assault rifles, but no matter how white hot crazy angry they get, their numbers are just not going to hold up. Angry white guys are just not generating the kind of lemmings over the cliff intertia they used to be able to count on. The glory days are over. What was born through the machinations of the Southern Strategy and came to fruition during the Reagan revolution is now finally petering out.
Angry white men’s numbers are dwindling. They need to breed more. But they are old. And their swimmers have lost their spunk. And not even super-sexy angry white ladies like Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann can restore their once prime breeding numbers. Angry they got. Babies they don’t got. At least not at the rate they’ll need to outnumber all the people they have pissed off.
Yes, we can still look forward to more CPAC conferences and yes, a few women in the midwest will be jailed for taking birth control, but for the most part, we’re watching the last enraged gasps of a dying breed. Yes, its true. Angry white conservative men are on the decline.
So, thanks for the shitty wars and the global warming and the collapse of our national infrastructure, angry white guys. Thanks for the 11th hour attack on women’s bodies and the fetishizing of guns and big business. Thanks for the weird angry-Jesus religious distortions and the retro anti-science fairs. Thanks for all the binary, nasty, self-absorbed stuff that says, “Hi. Shut up and let me have my way. Cause I’m an angry white man.”
I’d like to say it’s been fun. But it hasn’t.
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