Fergus Denhamer wonders if men in midlife are becoming redundant to the women they love?
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It was at a recent dinner when the proverbial penny dropped. A guest was over we hadn’t seen in a few months. She had been focused preparing for a live concert of her original music. We were in the kitchen cooking, drinking a great Spanish wine she had brought and catching up. Somewhere in there the conversation turned to menopause, libido, sex and creative energy.
(Side note: My wife was an ardent supporter of embracing this change in her life without hormones. She has written passionately about surrendering to this normal life stage and has shared her experience of having an increased pool of energy to support her creative expression.)
The men in their lives were not showing up and the women were tired of running a lot of masculine energy in order to get done what needed to get done.
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My wife had just finished sharing her recent creative endeavours and lauding the impact of not being sexually preoccupied. Our guest responded with, ‘I am still occasionally having a period and get horny, but my creative endeavours are more important than putting any energy into a relationship, so I just masturbate when urge arises’.
The comment quickly caused me to reflect on my female friends who are over 40 and either pre, post or in the middle of menopause. I realized our guest had just shared a common theme I had been hearing from my over 40 female friends – all to do with men, relationships and their changing desires.
- The men in their lives were not showing up and the women were tired of running a lot of masculine energy in order to get done what needed to get done. They weren’t feeling met, appreciated or supported in their journey. They all were increasingly focused on their creative expression and or career objectives.
- Intimacy was equally or more important than sex and their girlfriends provided, on an increasing basis, the intimacy and support they were looking for. Sex post menopause was of minimal interest other than to support the partner.
- Community was increasingly important. My women friends are all part of overlapping communities that include people with shared interests and passions. Between girlfriends and interlocking communities a lot of their need structure was being met outside the relationship.
- The men were generally slowing down, physically, energetically and resisting change. They appeared to have limited interest in continuing to learn, grow and experience what life had to offer.
- The women were all on a spiritual path. They either were already or were getting close to a place where they were becoming more internally versus externally referenced. The socially accepted norm of needing to be in a relationship to feel loveable and enough had lost its Velcro.
- Money or security was no longer a prime motivator to stay in a relationship
- To some degree they were all working to get clarity on what they desired/wanted and were starting to share this with their friends and community. Interestingly enough – not first with their partner.
- Surprising number of them were talking about group living arrangements – and where there were younger children embracing the notion that it takes a village to raise a child.
- Women’s circles, goddess groups, book clubs and bridge groups are everywhere and my women friends are all in more than one. A constant topic of conversation is balancing desire for more freedom and self-expression with needs of partner and family. Sub topic is supporting each other to move past their imprinted role definitions and societal expectations.
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I did some research. Between 1990 and today divorce rates in the over 50 crowd had climbed from 1 in 10 to 1 in 4. New research from Northwestern University professor Ile Finkel shows that contemporary couples, in our culture, have raised the stakes for what constitutes a successful relationship. It’s no longer enough just to be satisfied with your partner, he writes. In the new model of successful relationships, you must also be able to achieve true self-expression within your relationship.
What do I take away – a call to my male friends to reflect on the following:
- We men are sadly lacking in creating the relationships, infrastructure and support we need as we enter middle age. We need to widen our circle of friends, especially as we transition from full time work, and look for community where we can share your hobbies and passions and in return receive support and insights.
- The physical changes men and women both go through as they age impact intimacy and connection. Getting clarity of what each desires and communicating clearly and honestly is paramount to relationship survival.
- Embrace the changes and opportunities for personal growth this time allows. Be conscious of whether your fears are impacting your partner’s ability to fulfill their evolving desires and dreams. Open to the benefits your relationship will experience when you move towards love without ownership.
- Share whatever vulnerability is arising. While we are taught as men to hide this, as we age it is paramount to our physical, emotional and spiritual health that we reach out and ask for help when we need it. It is a sign of strength.
- If you haven’t already start a spiritual journey. Get to know who ‘you’ are and what makes you tick. Let this process continue through its natural flows to awakening.
- Stay physically active – look for new ways to connect with your partner through developing new shared interests
- Life purpose often undergoes changes at this stage of our lives – if you feel rudderless then reinvent yourself. There are lots of external support approaches to do this that build from your interests and dreams to help you create a new vision for yourself going forward.
- Have the conversation – the one that clearly articulates what you both want the purpose of the relationship to be. Without clarity and understanding of this the ‘roads’ will diverge as old habits and patterns associated with careers, children, extended family etc. morph.
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Change is inevitable and the period of change I see the women in my life embracing, with the support of their girlfriends and community, is inspiring. It takes trust, faith and courage.
My ask is that you risk more and move past any past habits and patterns of codependence and clearly state your desires to your partner. If you aren’t brutally honest then your rob your partner the opportunity to choose to face their fears and open to their, your and the relationship’s unfolding journey. For my male friends my advice is to just jump. My personal experience if that if we start the journey our partners will be there to help catch us when we fall.
Photo: Flickr/Mic445
The very best thing a man can do when his spouse doesn’t need/want /love him anymore……Grow beyond any need, want or desire for her. CYA financially and wave goodbye…. Then lock and bolt the door emotionally with her…..and get on with your new life.
Not to be antagonistic here but when men do that it’s typically called a “midlife crisis” complete with all the scorn and shaming that goes along with that title.
Some of the advice is good like stay physically active, explore your hobbies, and expand your circle of friends. Guys should be doing that even if their relationship with their wives are solid. Men also have the advantage quite often of getting social interaction through work. I wonder why the women just decided to cut their men out of their lives. That sounds kind of weird almost like they decided to have an emotional affair with these other women without telling the men that their marriage is over. Kind of makes you wonder about that financial thing not being as… Read more »
If she chooses to go on this ‘Spiritual Journey’ with her girlfriends and doesn’t really think of you, then become one of the 1 in 4 and find someone who doesn’t “just masturbates when the urge arises”.
A lot of this reads more like a rise in women’s selfishness (which doesn’t reflect a reality that I see around me). There’s a lot of horseshit mentioned there about spirituality and goddess groups etc that I doubt most men examine without an arched eyebrow and a skeptical sigh. A lot of these trends seem to be down to change and advancement for women but no commensurate cultural change for men. Men are still expected to meet many traditional responsibilities but without the sort of societal ‘compensation’ that previously existed. Little to no respect, constantly treated as oppressor, less work,… Read more »
I don’t know why it will be harder for us old guys. We know who we are. It won’t get harder until they start locking us up…LOL. As for the young guys, I can’t really give my opinion on that on this forum.
Yet how much of it is simply a brave face put on.
Another factor facing women over 50 is the lack of eligible male partners. A complaint I hear over and over again from my women friends is that men in our age group seem to be interested in younger women. One meetup social group I belong to the ratio is 2 women for each man.
No wonder women are looking elsewhere.
Great article!